


Vital Signs

by brunetteandblond



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Case Fic, Denial of Feelings, Emily needs a hug, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, JJ thinks she isn't into girls lol, Jealousy, One-Sided Attraction, Romance, Suspicions, Trust Issues, and her ex is a detective, emily compartmentalizes too much, emily has an ex, jj isn't being honest with herself, lots of flashbacks, lots of gay moments, will sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-07-14 10:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 48,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16039046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brunetteandblond/pseuds/brunetteandblond
Summary: Emily is done having feelings for someone who loves a man back in New Orleans. Luckily, someone from her past shows up out of nowhere with a case that gets JJ off her mind. Convincing her that the Manson Family is back, Emily's ex brings her to LA and introduces her to a deadly game of cat & mouse. JJ is suspicious of the ex. Is JJ just jealous or is the ex not who she seems to be?





	1. he can only hold her

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hi new readers and old readers who have read my other stories "The Planets Bend Between Us" and/or "Not A Fantasy, Not A Dream, It's Just You and Me." If you haven't read those, I totally suggest you read those Jemily stories! However, this is a totally different story so you do not need to have read those to read this story! :)
> 
> This story takes place in season 3 and this chapter specifically takes place after "Elephant's Memory" and mentions the beginning of "In Heat." I do not own Criminal Minds or these episodes and their storylines.
> 
> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoy!

I woke up to feeling movement in my bed. Opening my eyes, I felt her squirm and roll out onto the floor. I could hear as her bare feet trampled against the hardwood floors. I groaned and looked at the clock. It wasn't even 4:00 AM. Her shadows moved quickly and even in the dark, I could tell she was trying to find all of her clothes in a hurry.

"Going somewhere?" I whispered, startling her on purpose.

I could barely make out her face, but I could tell she was looking at me with apprehension. We never really talked after sex. She also tended to leave before I had the chance to say anything.

"Um… I'm going home. To shower and look over cases. I'll see you at work, Emily."

And the blonde left without letting me respond. Typical.

I sighed aggressively and flopped over in my bed. Every time She left, I couldn't sleep afterward. The emptiness next to me bothered me. Frustrated with the situation and myself for putting myself in the situation, I turned the light on and got up. I walked to the bathroom to look at the person the blonde left behind. The bags under my eyes were as dark as my irises and contrasted against my pale skin. Perfect.

I turned the shower on and stepped into the chilly water. I turned the knob and the water gradually became scalding, like I normally had it. The hot water burned my skin, but I invited the pain. I scrubbed my skin until it became red, almost raw with the heat and motions. Following my schedule, I washed my hair and shaved next. I nicked the skin around my ankle and watched the blood trickle down into the water. I watched the water become red with curiosity.

I held my head under the burning water, letting it scorch my cheeks and lips. With a bar of soap, I scrubbed my body once again. I scrubbed away everything that had happened in the past couple of days. I scrubbed away West Bune, Texas. I scrubbed away the spree killings. I scrubbed away Owen Savage. Reid wasn't the only one who related to the teenager.

Furiously now, I scrubbed away the blonde. I scrubbed away the way she kissed me. I scrubbed away the way she touched me. I scrubbed away the hunger and need that I have for her despite the pain that she causes. (Is this what they call feelings?) 

Putting everything into a box deep in my mind, I shut off the water and wrapped myself with my towel. I put on clothes and ate breakfast and waited for the text message to inform me that there was a case.

* * *

Three victims were found asphyxiated in Miami. The flight there was exhausting, especially after having so little sleep. We spent the whole time talking about MO and victimology. And as much as I wanted to dive deeper into the case, for some reason, I had a hard time paying attention and following along with the team.

JJ was avoiding me, like normal. Every time she spent the night with me, she couldn't look at me the next day. It was bad enough that she was ashamed of what she was doing. She didn't have to hate me for it.

I felt a stare linger on me and looked up to find Morgan glancing at me with a concerned frown. He could tell that I wasn't paying attention. That my mind was elsewhere. I smiled at him lightly, trying to show him that I was fine. But he did not return the smile, obviously still unconvinced that I really was fine (which, I arguably wasn’t).

Once we landed and departed from the plane, Derek approached me.

"You okay, Prentiss? You barely collaborated on anything in there. Something going on?" He asked, worry laced in his voice.

I shook my head and told him, "Lady problems. Don't worry about it, Morgan. My mind is still sharp. And, if I really wanted to, I could still beat you up if need be." I even hit his arm, to convince him that I was well enough to mess around.

"Ouch," Morgan gasped playfully, pretending to look offended. "I'm hurt, Princess. Truly."

* * *

After meeting Detective Lopez from Miami PD, I watched JJ's eyes widen. I followed her line of sight and saw one Detective LaMontagne. My hands curled up into a fist once he approached us. We all knew what he was doing with our media liaison. No matter how much she had tried to hide it from us.

He attempted to explain to us why the hell he was here, but I didn't hear a word come out of his mouth. I spent my energy trying to calm myself down and not tackle the southern man. After he was done detailing the case, Will LaMontagne pulled JJ to the side and said something that made her upset. I could feel the anger rise up inside of me.

I was thankful when I was given something to do with Lopez and Rossi. I put all of my attention back to the case. I shoved back all my feelings about the blonde and the man from New Orleans.

* * *

Of course. If things were going to get worse, they would. I should have expected it. The second we found out the victims were gay, JJ kept staring at me as if I had some special insight (that she somehow didn’t have). It made me angry and annoyed. Especially when I realized that her stare was full of pity. She thought that I was hurting because the victims were gay. It was infuriating that she seemed to care about my well-being when she made it perfectly clear that I was nothing other than a fuck buddy.

So believe me when I say that I was surprised when JJ approached me with a water bottle in her hand and gave it to me like she was offering a truce. Truthfully, my cynicism thought she did it just because she needed company or comfort. 

But I quickly shook away that thought. JJ might not have realized she was using me, but she wasn’t a bad person. No, she was the epitome of good. Which was why it was so hard not to fall for her.

"For you," JJ said, passing me the water bottle.

"Oh, thank you," I told her while awkwardly opening the water bottle. "You read my mind."

"I don't understand how it could be this dry when it's this humid," JJ muttered, standing closer to me than she had been since last night.

I raised my eyebrows. Small talk? After sleeping with me? There was something off. "Mmm," I groaned before taking a sip of water. "Sweat all your fluids out outside and then come into bone-dry air conditioning."

"Well, then if I could just hook this up to an IV…."

I paused, not knowing what to say next. I was tired of this awkward conversation that seemed to not be leading anywhere of importance. I realized in that moment that I really did want her to make a decision. About me, about Will, about all of it.

"At least we have something fun to look at to keep us on our toes."

JJ furrowed her eyebrows as if she had no idea what I was talking about. "What do you mean?"

I nodded in the direction of the man across the station. "LaMontagne."

The media liaison looked back at the southern man and said, "You think so, huh?"

I couldn't believe that she didn't just come out and tell me about her not-so-subtle relationship with him. She should've known that we all knew about them. But still, she didn't say anything.

I put on a fake smirk and replied, "Don't you?"

JJ looked back at Will and her glance lingered on him. "Yeah, I guess he's… he has a thing."

"Definitely a thing," I said, raising my eyebrows. I somewhat enjoyed messing with her. It felt nice not being the one messed with for the first time. The girl she had casual sex with was talking about her boyfriend's attractiveness. Must be hard for her. I didn't really care.

* * *

JJ couldn't hide how upset she looked after she had a chit-chat with her beau. And Will couldn't hide his disappointment. I was surprised that the blonde had broken up with him. He wasn't good enough for her, that was true. But he did care for her. But probably not like I did.

It was a late night to go to bed in the hotel we were staying at. It was already morning when we actually got there. I rushed to my room. It usually took me hours to fall asleep, so I wanted to hit the sheets sooner than later.

As I started to doze off, there was a sharp knock on my door. Angrily, I got up and opened the door. Before I could find out who it was, I felt the person press up against me and clash their lips on top of mine.

I held her close to me and breathed in her scent. She hungrily pulled off my clothes and I did the same to her. She meant everything to me. I wanted all of her even though I knew there wasn’t much she could give. So I took what I could get. A little bit of JJ was better than nothing at all, despite how dirty it made me feel. How could something so wrong feel so right?


	2. an encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/A: Don't own Criminal Minds!

For the first time after having sex with JJ, I didn’t wake up from her sneaking out of my bed. Instead, I woke up from my alarm and she was still holding me close.

We had an unspoken agreement about what we were doing. The rules were: JJ chose when we got together, JJ could leave any time, we didn’t talk about it, and there were no feelings involved.

So, we got up in silence. We showered together in silence. We put on clothes in silence. We snuck out of the room in silence. We met up with the team in silence.

* * *

 “Take care of yourself, JJ,” I heard Will say as he put on his jacket and walked off. I watched how broken she looked when he walked away. And it stung knowing she would never give me that look.

That was the moment when I knew I wanted JJ to want me. More than my body, more than the sex. I wanted her to want all of me. And deep down (okay, maybe not even that deep), I knew she didn’t. She couldn’t. And I didn’t blame her.

We were messy, dangerous. Passionate, but not passionate enough. We were physical, but there was nothing else. At least on her side. Besides, there was too much missing inside of me for her to love me. I was too screwed for her to possibly have feelings for me.

And so, I made a decision, right then and there. If I couldn’t have _all_ of her, I didn’t want _any_ of her.

I walked up to the media liaison and told her, “You should go for him.”

“What?” JJ asked as if she didn’t understand exactly what I said.

To make sure there was no question, I clarified, “You’d make a cute couple.”

It was as if a switch went off in her brain. Like something finally allowed her to choose him. “You know what?” She walked away from me and ran to Will. She told him something. Confessed something. Professed her love for him, probably. And then he kissed her and everything inside hurt. Because I wanted to be the one she chose. I wanted to be the one she ran to and kissed in the end. 

I felt someone stand next to me. I held inside my feelings, I wouldn’t let him see. Or Reid, who joined me and Morgan, apparently also wanting to see the show.

“Well, finally,” Morgan muttered, sounding completely entertained.

“Mmm,” I murmured quietly. “I thought she was never going to admit it.” I couldn’t handle standing there anymore so I started to walk away.

“Yeah, what’s it been like? A year?” Spencer asked as he followed me outside of the precinct.

“Yeah, something like that,” Morgan agreed as he followed both of us. “Do you guys want to get a drink?”

That was the last thing I wanted. To drink with Morgan and Reid and pretend like everything was okay. But I _did_ want to drink. I _really_ wanted to drink.

“I’m going to head back to the hotel,” I lied carefully. “I’m exhausted. But I’ll see you guys later.”

Before they had a chance to reply, I walked away in the direction of the hotel. But once I reached the hotel, I just kept walking. And walking. And walking. Holding the threads of me inside and praying that they wouldn’t unravel. And then I walked some more.

* * *

The buzz was anticipated and welcoming. Tonight was a good night for vodka. Finally, I had some relief from the overwhelming thoughts in my head.

“You aren’t from around here, are you?” A sultry voice asked, coming from the woman next to me.

I looked up and smirked at the red-haired woman sitting on the bar stool to my side. Her eyes stared into mine. I couldn’t stop looking at her green eyes. Somehow, I knew those green eyes were going to get me in trouble. She looked me up and down and I felt confident for the first time in a while. I smiled at her.

“I am not. How did you know that?”

“You’re paler than a ghost. I’ve lived in Miami my whole life. I can tell the difference. So what are you doing here in a bar when you could be at the pool, getting perfectly tan?”

I took a sip of my drink and told her, “I needed some alcohol. What about you?”

She grinned and chugged her beer. “Same. Though, you’re in the wrong area, rich girl. You’re in a bad neighborhood.”

I shrugged. I didn’t even notice. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Not afraid, huh? Well, you have a gun on you, so you shouldn’t be scared,” She mentioned nonchalantly, taking another sip. My eyes widened and I instinctively touched my gun. She laughed and said, “Don’t fret, darling. I’m just messing with you. I know what a gun looks like on a woman. I’m Dexter.” She held her hand out for me to shake.

I looked at her hand and noticed the tattoos that covered her arm. I looked up at her eyes once again. Maybe I needed a little trouble. I needed a distraction. I shook her hand.

“Lauren.”

She smiled with her beautiful lips. “Do you want to get out of here, Lauren?”

With one last gulp, I finished my drink. I smiled at her. It was a dangerous smile. One I hadn’t used since…

“Let’s go.”

* * *

 The motel was run down, but that didn’t matter. She was kissing me, I was kissing her, nothing else could mean a damn thing. She knew exactly what I needed without asking. And I did whatever she wanted. I was in awe of her talents and she didn’t seem disappointed with mine.

We stayed up most of the night, but eventually, we fell asleep. I woke up from a text message early in the morning.

“Shit!” I whispered as I looked at the message. Hotch asked me where I was. I should be at the hotel right now.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Dexter asked as she rolled over and laid her hand on my back.

I should’ve gotten up and gotten a cab to the hotel. But I didn’t. I replied to Hotch and told him that I needed a day off. That I wanted to sightsee. That I’d be back tomorrow.

Hotch asked if everything was alright. I told him that I was fine and that they should take off. I would get a flight back on my own. I put my phone back down and wrapped my arms around the woman.

“Nothing,” I told her sweetly. “Blew off my boss. Told him I’m staying an extra day. That I want to sightsee.”

Dexter chuckled and kissed my neck. “Good choice, rich girl. What’s it like to be bad? I’m guessing this is the first time you haven’t followed the rules. Feels good?”

“I’m not always good,” I whispered almost angrily. Breaking rules, messing around, that was the old me. A version of myself I didn’t like. I groaned and got up from the bed. I couldn’t stay. Even if I wanted to, this wasn’t my life anymore. Sleeping around, drinking, that was when Lauren existed and lived inside of me. I thought that Lauren had left. But maybe she had just gone on vacation.

I pulled on my clothes and went to the bathroom. I quietly climbed out of the window. I may have Lauren inside of me, but I am still the wimp that always sneaks out, afraid of confrontation. At that moment, I understood JJ a little bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. Very dark. It'll get better!  
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are welcome and appreciated!


	3. perfect stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey, everyone! Still don't own Criminal Minds, unfortunately.

I caught the next flight out to Virginia. The trip was bumpier and more time consuming than if I had just gone with the team, but my night with Dexter taught me a lot of things. First off, I still had it. Secondly, Lauren still seemed like she was apart of me, despite how much I hated her. But maybe, there was a small part of me that did enjoy her being around. She certainly made things easier on me.

She helped me forget about JJ, even if it was only for a few hours. Dexter might have not been the one for me, but if she helped me get over the blonde, even a little bit, I thought that it was at least somewhat worth it.

Sergio greeted me when I entered my apartment. As much as I loved my cat, the truth was that he doesn't help me fight the complete loneliness. He doesn't fill the void.

After showering all the dirtiness off my skin, I poured myself a glass of wine. Alcohol was my monster. And damn, did it bring out my demons. It couldn't have been a worse time when there was a knock on my door. I got interrupted just as I started flirting with the devil.

"Emily, where— are you okay?" JJ asked as I opened the door. She put her hand on my forehead as if she were trying to check my temperature. She must have thought that I looked sick.

I flinched away and walked back into my apartment. I didn't want her questions. I didn't want her concern. I didn't want her anything.

Of course, she followed me inside and closed the door. I noticed that she saw the wine bottle and I cringed. The last thing I wanted was for her to think I had a 'drinking problem.'

"Why are you here, JJ? Why aren't you with Will?" I sat down on the couch and pretended to be uninterested in the blonde's answer.

She sat down next to me and I inched away. "He doesn't live here, Em. He's back in New Orleans."

I nodded, still trying to avoid her concerned stare. "I'm really happy for you guys. You deserve someone like him."

I jumped when I felt her warm hand meet my thigh. I almost shivered at the touch. I wanted her so bad. I finally turned and looked into her blue eyes. I felt petrified.

"He doesn't live in Virginia, Em. The relationship is still long distance. We can still… if you wanted to."

And I did want to. More than anything. But I knew, if I let myself feel her one more time, it would shatter me.

I got up, getting out of her grasp. "I don't want to. I can't continue doing this. You are with  _him._  You can't keep… messing around."

JJ walked up to me and cupped my cheek. "He will never know. We are just having fun, right? Feeling better."

She wasn't listening to me. She didn't understand. She couldn't. She could never understand.

"Jennifer…" I leaned in and kissed her for the last time. It was delicate and sweet. Nothing like our normal steamy, aggressive, hot kisses. "It isn't just fun for me. You're  _killing_  me."

JJ furrowed her eyebrows as if she couldn't comprehend what I was saying. "How?"

I turned away from her and walked to my wine glass. After taking a long sip, I said, "You don't want me. You want the sex. But you're with Will. And I can't do this anymore. You are tearing me apart."

She looked horrified at what I said. Finally, based on her reaction, I could tell that she understood. "But— But we can still be friends? Best friends?"

"Sure…" I told her in a noncommittal voice. I didn't know if I could be her friend. I was hurt, I was feeling too much. I loved a woman who didn't love me. "But I need some time."

"Oh. Okay. I guess I'll get going," JJ said disappointedly. And without saying much else, she left my apartment and I could finally feel like I could breathe again.

I finished my glass of wine and closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would come. But it didn't. There was a knock at the door. I groaned and jumped up.

"JJ… please! Go away! I don't want—" I stopped mid-sentence as I opened the door and realized it wasn't JJ at the door. I felt my jaw drop. I couldn't believe my eyes.

She smiled at me awkwardly. "Hey, Emmy. It's good to see you."

"Sash…" I breathed out sharply. "What are you— what are you doing here?"

"Uh," She looked around and muttered, "Can I come inside?

I opened my door wider so that she could enter my apartment. I closed the door and led her to the living area. We both sat down.

"I was going to call first before just barging in on you for this, but I was afraid… it's been so long, Em. And I-I need your help."

I frowned. I was worried about what was coming next. "Are you okay? What's wrong? What do you need help with?"

"I looked you up recently. Of course, I couldn't find any information on you before. But I found out you were in the FBI. The BAU. So I realized that you could help me. If you wanted to, of course."

I opened my mouth and then closed it. "What do you need help with, Sasha?"

"I'm a detective in the LAPD. And it's happened. Like I said it would. The chief doesn't think I have enough evidence. But I told him that I knew you and that you could help me out."

I stared at her. Sasha wasn't the kind of person to cry wolf. She was one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. So I couldn't even consider the idea that she could be incorrect. "Of course I'll help, Sasha. But I can't just leave my team. They might want to help."

She smiled slightly. "So you aren't the lone wolf you were before, are you? You've changed?"

I shook my head. "I've only adapted, Sasha. I'm the same woman who went to college with you all those years ago."

She looked at me for a few seconds and then shook her head. "No, no. Something's different. Something sad. You seem… like there is a heavier weight on your shoulders."

I took a deep breath. Sasha always saw right through me. "I'm fine, Sash. I love my job, my friends…"

"Then why are you so much sadder than when I last saw you, Emmy?"

I blinked and took a deep breath. "Maybe it's because when I was with you, it was the only time I was truly happy."

She quirked her head like she always used to and stared at me carefully. "You aren't broken, Em. I know that you think you are, but you aren't, okay?"

What could I say to that? It wasn't like I could argue with her. I couldn't tell her I was broken. Not after everything that happened. Not after everything I did. I cleared my throat, making it obvious I was changing the subject. "We'll go to Quantico tomorrow. To tell my coworkers about your case. Stay with me tonight."

"Don't you want to know the details about the case?" Sasha asked me, sounding surprised.

I shrugged. "I believe you, Sash. You said that it's happening. So it's happening. Tell me the details when you tell the others. Have you eaten? Need something to drink?"

"I ate on the plane," Sasha told me. "But have any wine?"

I snorted. "I already told you that I haven't changed. Stay there. I'll get you a glass." I got up and grabbed two glasses and the wine bottle. I poured the wine into the glasses and brought them to the woman I haven't seen in ten years. I passed a glass to her.

"So, detective, huh? That's awesome, Sash. That's what you have always wanted."

She nodded and took a sip. "Yeah. It's harder than I thought, but I love it. Every case is different. So how about you? FBI's a lot different than the route you were going when you left."

"I needed a change," I admitted in a soft whisper. "And the BAU came in calling. The team is brilliant. You are going to love them."

She smiled shortly and then asked, "Speaking of love… seeing anyone?"

I let out a nervous chuckle. "No. Definitely not. I haven't been in a relationship for a long time."

"So that blonde who practically raced out of your apartment crying is just a friend of yours?" She raised her eyebrows at me and I bit my lip.

"It's complicated," I said quietly. "We weren't dating. She— she's in a very committed relationship with a very southern man. And so I ended it. And how about you?"

She didn't seem phased by what was going on with JJ. "Ahh. Stable relationships are hard to come by these days. You know me. I don't mix well with most people."

I smirked. "Oh… I remember. You tried to get into arguments with every person at Yale. And you tried to shut down all the frats."

She laughed and smiled her famous charismatic smile. "And you were there by my side the whole time." She looked into my eyes and the sparkle faltered for a second. "It's been so long, Em. After everything… I hope… can you forgive me?"

I couldn't believe what she was saying. "Forgive you? You did nothing wrong, Sash. It was me. It was all me."

She shook her head. "It wasn't all you, Em. I ended it. I should have stayed. Tried harder. I stopped believing in us."

"I was unreliable. I was selfish. I was pushing you away. I was—"

"You were hurting, Emmy. I know that now. You were pushing me away because you didn't want me to see your pain. Your dad died and I left you. I gave up on you. I gave up on us when you needed me the most." She put her hand on my cheek.

I looked away. The pain was still fresh. Everything still hurt. "It's okay. I'm fine. Besides, we've got a case to think about."

"Yeah," She said and pulled her hand away. “That we do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, new character! Sasha is very different than my last OC, Remi. Her relationship with Emily will be explained in the rest of the story with lots of flashbacks.
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Reviews are welcome and appreciated!


	4. we are not only what we’ve been before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! I'm back! Still don't own Criminal Minds, though. Sadly.
> 
> This is very important! Everyone read my endnotes, please.

We watched an action movie and talked as little as possible. Sasha seemed to walk on eggshells around me. But then again, so did I. The tension between us was as thick as sludge and neither of us seemed to know what to do about it.

She repeatedly thanked me when I offered her my guest room to sleep in. I think she was surprised that I didn't kick her out. And while the thought of not having to deal with all of these resurfaced feelings was pleasant, I didn't necessarily want her gone. I spent so much time trying to forget her and now she was here. And I didn't want her to go.

Besides, when I think about her, I'm not thinking about JJ. Definitely an added bonus.

In the morning, we drove to Quantico chit-chatting via small talk. I learned that she was happy with her job but that she was lonely. She didn’t exactly say that out right, but I could read between the lines. Sounded familiar.

We entered the building and I took a deep breath when we entered the elevator.

"What's up, Emmy?" Sasha whispered to me, her voice full of concern. "Why are you so stressed out? We don't have to do this if you don't—"

I shook my head.  _She thought I was stressed about her._  She didn't know I was really just anxious about seeing JJ again. She didn't know the girl that ran out of my apartment worked with me directly. "No, no, no. It isn't the case or you. It's—"

"Emily?"

Both of our heads snapped in the direction of the voice as the doors opened and JJ called out to me.

Sasha leaned in next to my ear and whispered, "That?"

I nodded slowly and led her into the bullpen. "JJ, can you gather everyone in the conference room?"

The blonde raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, sure. Of course. Is everything okay?" She turned her attention to Sasha and I held in a squirm. This felt so awkward and painful.

"Yep. We are going to go into the room and set things up. We have a few things to show you."

"I'll go get the others." JJ nodded repeatedly and quickly ran off to grab the rest of the team.

"Soooo…" Sasha murmured as we walked to the conference room. "She's your colleague?"

"Colleague. Friend. Best friend. Ex-friend with benefits. Choose the label you like most," I said snarkily as we entered the room and began to set up. "You've got this, right? I'll introduce you of course and try to explain a few things, but you will handle most of it?"

"Right. Are they going to… believe me?" She asked quietly, looking somewhat nervous.

I shrugged. I honestly didn't know. "Probably not. But they believe me. At least, I hope they do. But then again, trust is always fleeting."

She opened her mouth to reply but she was interrupted by the gathering of people who entered the room. Everyone came in at once. JJ still looked confused, Penelope looked worried, Morgan looked amused, Hotch looked stoic, Rossi looked intrigued, and Reid looked like he was trying to solve the hardest problem of all time. I almost laughed at the sight of all the people with a whole different range of reactions.

"Thank you all for joining me so quickly. This is my friend, Sasha Tyburczy. We have known each other for a very long time. She's a detective for the LAPD, and she needs our help." I turned the attention to her.

"Hi, everyone. So, Emily is right. I do need your help. I haven't gotten the support from my superiors to expand this case, but they have agreed that I could ask for your help. Three weeks ago, a couple was slaughtered in their own home in Hollywood." She clicked to the first slide of her slideshow showing the horror of the bodies. "They were both stabbed more than forty times. They were also hung and shot. And around the house, their blood was written all over the walls. Spelling out "Death to pigs" and "Rise." On the door read "Healter Skelter." Same incorrect spelling and all." She showed the pictures of the bloody handwriting on the walls.

"Manson Family copycat?" Morgan piped up as if he thought it was obvious.

"That's what LAPD thinks as well. And it is, technically. But I think there are going to be a lot more murders. Because I think the Family is back."

Silence. Everyone looked from her to other members in the team.

"What makes you think that, detective?" Hotch asked her.

"Now only were the victims killed exactly like those in the Tate and LaBianca murders, the woman was the daughter of Danny DeCarlo. One of the most important witnesses on the trial."

Even I was now startled. DeCarlo had fled from California after the trial. Since then no one knew where he was.

"That is suspicious. But why do you think the Family is back?" Rossi asked her gently.

"I've been in contact with many of the original Family members for about a decade. They told me that there was someone who was declaring he was Charlie's reincarnation, even though Charlie is only rotting in prison. They wouldn't tell me much, they tried to stay away from it. But they were continually harassed by this new man in town. And then two days before the murders, they went silent. I don't know if they are apart of this or they were taken."

"And your sources? Are they reputable?" Morgan questioned skeptically.

"I became close with Gypsy, Sandy, and Squeaky. They liked to tell me stories. And they liked my home cooked meals."

"Do you know if they are following Manson's orders?" Reid asked.

Sasha shook her head. "I've never spoken to Manson. But he doesn't seem like the kind of person to just pass his status onto some else. He has too much of an ego."

"You sure it's not Squeaky?" Rossi asked. "She took the leadership role during the trial. And she's still faithful to him."

"Squeaky was the unofficial leader for a long time. But she went to prison for the assassination attempt and has been out of criminal activity since. Sandra and Gypsy haven't been in the Family for years. They do seem to regret parts of the Family. And while they are appalled by the murders, they still enjoyed the hippy scene. The drugs, the sex, the rock and roll. Free love. That's why they joined the Family. Not to commit murder. They wouldn't want to kill anyone. Not anymore, at least."

I looked around the room, trying to profile what the others had thought about the case. None of them looked like they were really buying into what Sasha was telling them. Though, Rossi and Reid were both intrigued.

Hotch cleared his throat. "Do you have any proof of another Family? Is there proof that multiple people murdered the couple? Do you have any idea who is leading this?"

Sasha took a second before explaining, "The girls told me that someone was trying to contact them. They would get phone calls from multiple people. And sometimes they would greet them in person. They said that they were young people. Not older than 25. They didn't recognize anyone nor did they notice anyone as an obvious leader."

"So basically, you are basing this whole case on three Family members who were obviously affected by Manson. Are you sure they aren't just messing with you? How can you be sure any of this information is right?" Morgan asked matter-of-factly.

I inwardly groaned. I knew Morgan would be the hardest person to convince. But he didn't realize yet that she was an expert. That she knew more about Manson than anyone else in the room.

Before Sasha had a chance to reply, I butted in, "Sasha isn't doing this to get her five minutes of fame, Morgan. She has studied and gotten to know the Manson Family for a decade. She knows more than all of us combined. You must have had CI's when you were in Chicago. Did you trust those ex-criminals?"

Morgan glared at me and nodded curtly. He turned to Hotch. "I understand that this is a possibility, Hotch. But this isn't enough to go on. We wouldn't know where to start with these people if they are indeed a cult. Or, it could be someone obsessed with Manson or a racist who wants to start a race war."

Hotch listened to what Morgan had to say, but he gave no indication that he agreed with him. He finally turned to me. "Prentiss, what do you want from us? I know that you must have talked to Detective Tyburczy about this."

"I think she has to be given the benefit of the doubt. I know Manson is a touchy subject for everyone in America. But if we have another copycat cult, we need to end it. Because this could escalate quickly. If they wanted to follow Manson, they would already be trying to find others to kill now." I stared at the team. They were still unconvinced. I sighed loudly enough for them to hear me. "Look, I'm going. With or without you guys. And I know you don't know her. Fair enough. You don't understand that when she says this she must have little doubt. But I know her. I believe her. I trust her more than anyone I have ever met. So either you trust me, or I'm going to LA alone."

Hotch stared at me intensely. I couldn't tell if he was angry, stunned, or impressed. Probably not impressed. Definitely not impressed.

"Prentiss, I hope that you understand, picking this case doesn't have to do with whether I trust you."

I snorted furiously. "Of course it does. If Morgan came to you with this, you wouldn't even hesitate. And if JJ picked this case, you would follow blindly."

Hotch continued to stare and blink as if it were a taunt. "And what if you are wrong about this? We would be wasting time that we could be using to catch other UnSubs, saving other people."

I understood his point. I understood that he couldn't comprehend all the knowledge that she had. "Hotch…"

He interrupted, "That being said, I wouldn't mind if you went to LA. We can hold the fort here. And if you find definitive proof, then we will come to you."

I couldn't argue with him. I knew it was his best offer. So I accepted with a slight nod. I turned back to Sasha and moved my head in the direction of the door.

As we gathered the material, I said, "Then we are going to head out. I'll send you all updates."

And with that, we left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys. This story is going to be very case heavy. If you don't know about Manson and the Family, I highly suggest you look it up on the internet. Though, it isn't necessary for this story. Let me just say before any of you tell me about things I got wrong, I am NOT an expert about Manson. I HAVE done a lot of research and I HAVE read the book, "Helter Skelter." (I highly suggest it) BUT DON'T WORRY. This story isn't going to just be about the case. There will be lots of relationship drama and Jemily feelings. And yes, in the future, there will be several parts in JJ's perspective. There will also be several flashbacks about the beginning of Jemily and the Sasha/Emily relationship.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and please review!


	5. remember when

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! I'm so glad some of you are liking the story! Thanks for letting me know! Still don't own Criminal Minds, though.

"Thank you for sticking your neck out there for me in there. I know you didn't convince your team, but I really appreciate it," Sasha said as we drove back to my apartment to gather my things.

I wasn't mad that they didn't agree. I was mad that they still didn't trust me. And Sasha couldn't understand that. She didn't understand the team dynamics.

Sasha must have gathered that I still wasn't okay, because she continued, "You did what you could and now it's just us. It's not your fault that they didn't decide to join us, Emmy. It's mine. They think I'm crazy."

"But it's me that trusts you. If they had any belief in me, they wouldn't even think twice about it. I'm supposed to trust them with my life and they can't even trust me with this?" I shook my head. I hated that this got to me. I hated, even more, the fact that I was talking to her about it.

"You're allowed to be hurt, but don't think that they don't trust you." She put her hand on my arm. "Hey, just forget about them, okay? We are going to go to LA and work this case. You won't have time to think about them."

The gesture she made (putting her hand on my arm), brought me back to a memory I had with her a long time ago.

_It was my turn to drive. We took turns every two hours as we drove to Sasha's vacation home for spring break. It was an exhausting drive, but the time went pretty quick. Every moment was interesting if I shared it with Sasha._

_We passed by this crazy fort with odd objects, statues, and memorabilia out front. I slowed down and Sasha squealed._

_"Crackhead express!" She cheered._

_"Excuse me?" I asked, confused by her sudden statement._

_"Look!" She pointed to the bus on the lawn of the land. I could see dummies in the windows looking crazed. I couldn't believe my eyes. The bus had indeed the title "crackhead express" on the side._

_"You gotta be shitting me," I murmured under my breath. "What the hell is that place?"_

_As we passed it, Sasha answered, "I'm not really sure. I think it's a bunch of old movie set things. I've never stepped foot on the premise. But since we passed it, we know we are close. I have passed by it every time I have drove up here."_

_A few minutes later, we drove on a long bridge, connecting us to the island where she had the beach house. We pulled up into the driveway. I wanted to take out all of our bags, but Sasha told me not to._

_Once we were out of the car, she took my hand and led me up the stairs to the deck of the house. I had never been to a beach like this one. Serene and quiet. There weren't kids running around or any beer cans in sight. It was peaceful._

_"Come on," She said, tugging my hand and bringing me down to the sand. She took off her shoes and I followed suit. I felt the sand squeeze between my toes and sink with the compression of my foot._

_Sasha let go of my hand and took a deep breath. She started to run towards the ocean. And even though I was startled, I barely even hesitated before following right behind her._

"Where did you go?" Sasha asked as she removed her hand off me.

"What?"

"Your mouth moved into a slight smile. You do that when you think about a good memory. So what were you remembering?"

She knew so much about me. And it was completely terrifying. I cleared my throat. No bother denying it. She would just interrogate me later. "I was thinking about our trip to the beach our Junior year."

Sasha's mouth formed into a grin. "That was a good week. We didn't think about anything but each other those days. It was beautiful."

I couldn't disagree. But that was so long ago. It was a different time. I was a different person.

"I can't believe you were dating your colleague, Em. That's so unlike you. So, was she cheating on you, or was she cheating on someone  _with_  you?"

Sasha was still upfront about her questions. At least she hasn't changed with that. "We were seeing each other before she met Will. Though, seeing each other would be a loose term. She actually just came to my place and slept with me when she wanted to. And then we had a case in New Orleans and she met Detective Will LaMontagne. And she didn't tell anyone she was seeing him, but we all knew. And then recently we had a case and he was there and I pushed her to choose him. And she said that we could still be together but I ended it. I couldn't handle it anymore."

Sasha nodded. "Sounds like you made a good decision. She was using you."

I shook my head. I didn't want her to think that. "No, no. I could have said no."

She put her hand on my shoulder. "Em, she was using you for sex. And obviously, you had feelings for her. She must have known."

I raised an eyebrow in confusion. "What do you mean she must have known?"

"I saw you and her for a few seconds and I could tell that you have feelings for her. And you should have seen the way she looked at me when I came in. She looked very jealous."

I rolled my eyes. Sasha was always under the impression that people were interested in me. "She only sees me as a friend."

"Uh-huh. Sure. That's what you thought about me."

_I laid on my bed, headphones on my head, blasting U2 in my ears. My eyes were closed. And then I felt a hand on my arm and I jumped._

_"Fuck, Em! You scared the shit out of me!" Sasha laughed gently as she pulled off my headphones._

_I gaped at her. "I scared_ you _? Sash, you poked me when all of my senses were turned off. I couldn't see or hear you coming. Why are you here anyway?"_

_"I asked you to go to the concert with me, remember?" Sasha said wrapping her arms around me._

_I sighed. "The tickets were too expensive and you should ask somebody—"_

_"Somebody, what, Em? You're the only person that tolerates me here. At the end of our Freshman year, you are the only friend I have made."_

_"Well, you have pissed off nearly the entire staff and all the frats and sororities!" I pointed out sarcastically._

_"And you stood by my side! You're my partner in crime!"_

_I shook my head. I was afraid of how close we were getting. Especially since I saw her as more than a friend. "Maybe you should ask the girl from biology. She asked you out."_

_Sasha groaned and rested her head on my shoulder. "Emily, when will you get it through your thick skull that when I asked you out three months ago that it would be a date? Em, we have been together for months and you just keep denying it! Why? Is it the gay thing…"_

_"No!" I almost shouted. I closed my mouth and looked down. I was ashamed. "No. It's not that. I know I'm gay. It's just that, the last person I was with… it wasn't very good. Okay? And I'm not… very good. I have issues."_

_"I don't like you because I think you're a saint, Em. I like you because you're a little screwed up. I like you because you are brilliant and beautiful and sarcastic and dark. I like you because,_   _for some reason, you aren't afraid of me. Me and my bluntness and attitude and ambition. You think that you are somehow more fucked up than me." She pushed my hair out of my face and pushed my chin up so that I was looking at her. "I like you, Emily Prentiss. So please don't push me to the_   _bio girl and let me take you on a date. As your girlfriend."_

_I stared at her and wondered how could she like me. Why wasn't she turned off by me? I wanted her so bad. I nodded and let her hug me._

I shook my head, shaking the memory out. She was right then, but not now. Not about JJ. She didn't even know JJ.

"She has a boyfriend."

Sasha snorted. "That didn't stop her from sleeping with you before. Look, I'm not judging you or anything. But you deserve better than some blonde who probably doesn't even know you that well, right? Because if she did, she wouldn't even hesitate to pick you over some guy."

I shook my head and continued to drive. I knew Sasha was wrong this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awe, poor Emily. She thinks JJ doesn't like her. Of course. That's typical for my Emily portrayals in all of my stories, right? I'm so excited because the next chapter is partially in JJ's perspective! For the rest of the story, it is pretty even between the both of them.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! Reviews are welcome and appreciated!


	6. inside your mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! I still don't own Criminal Minds! Hope you all enjoy this chapter!

**JJ’s POV**

We all stared at each other when Emily and her friend left. I had a case to deliver to the team, but I didn't feel much like talking. There was this feeling, deep in my stomach, that I couldn’t explain. 

Eventually, Derek cleared his throat and said, "Can I just speak for everyone and say I'm totally shocked. I mean, one, that woman's theory is crazy. Two, Emily believed her and followed her! That doesn't even sound like her."

I definitely agreed with him. Emily acted weird, to say the least. 

"She said she trusted the woman," Rossi mentioned carefully. "Maybe we should trust Emily then. She has given us no reason to think her judgment is off."

He was right on all accounts. Except, even if I did trust Emily, I didn't trust her friend. Something seemed odd about the detective. Like I had this horrible gut feeling about her. And she seemed weirdly familiar…

"I've gone over all the conversations I have had with Prentiss," Spence murmured as he looked up, thinking hard. "And I have never once heard her mention the name Sasha Tyburczy."

"She never talks about anyone," Penelope pointed out. "I mean, that brunette beauty is more secretive than a Russian spy. Oh jeez, you don't think—"

"No, Garcia," Hotch stated sternly. "Prentiss is not a spy. But something was off."

"She was offended," Rossi explained with a shrug as if it was obvious. "She wanted us to help them. She hoped that we would trust her enough to blindly follow her without any hard evidence."

I wondered if we should have. But I shook that thought out of my head. It would have been too reckless. If Emily and the woman were wrong, there would have been a waste of resources. People could have been killed without our help.

"Morgan," Hotch said abruptly. "You are the closest with Prentiss. Is there anything going on with her…?" 

I almost laughed at the thought of Morgan possibly being more close with Emily than me. 

He shook his head. "I wouldn't know. She doesn't tell me those kinds of things. She's always just… Prentiss." He turned to me and Pen. "You two hang out with her more often unprofessionally. Did she seem okay with you?"

'Hang out.' I had to remind myself that they didn't know what Emily and I do. Correction: used to do.

"Emily is a hard nut to crack. She isn't the type to open up. Isn't that right, Jayje?"

I nodded simply. I didn't want to talk about Emily. Not after everything that has happened.

_"Jennifer," Emily muttered and kissed me slowly, like when we first kissed. Before everything got so… heated... last minute... and casual. Right when I thought the kiss was going to get deeper, she moved away. I thought I saw tears in her eyes. I was utterly confused. Emily Prentiss didn't cry. "It isn't just fun for me. You're killing me."_

_I stepped back in awe. I couldn't believe what she was saying. I always thought she wanted what I wanted. "How?"_

_She looked away and started walking toward the wine. I could tell that she didn't want me to see her face. That she didn’t want my eyes to meet hers._

_"You don't want me. You want the sex. But you're with Will. And I can't do this anymore. You are tearing me apart."_

_I bit my lip, blood entering my mouth. Tears bubbled up into my eyes. This was the first time I realized that she could have wanted more than our casual flings. I pondered for a second if I wanted more. I shook my head. Impossible. I reminded myself that I was with Will. That I wasn't really into girls. That I wasn't into Emily._

_"But— But we can still be friends? Best friends?"_

_She looked like she felt pity for me when she turned around. The tears in her eyes were gone. It was as if a switch had turned on and she lost her feelings._

_"Sure…" she said so carelessly as if nothing had meaning anymore. I questioned if she stopped feeling anything at all. "But I need some time."_

_I wanted to understand her. Ask her more questions. Get inside that mysterious head of hers. But I knew she wouldn't let me._

_"Oh. Okay. I guess I'll get going."_

_I turned around and headed for the door. As I turned the knob, I realized I wanted her to stop me. I wanted her to want me again. And when I closed the door behind me, tears fell down my cheeks._

_How could I feel so much for someone I had absolutely no feelings for? I hated it. I hated all of these uninvited emotions._

_So I ran. I ran as fast as I could. Stopping for nothing and nobody._

"Then we have to assume that Prentiss made a good decision. JJ, you said you had a case for us?" Hotch said, grabbing my attention from the memory I was holding onto in the back of my mind.

"Yes."

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

The LAPD building was very different than Quantico. People were wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Which made sense. It was extremely hot outside.

"I forgot that that heat made you uncomfortable," Sasha murmured as we got out of the elevator. "Don't worry. You'll get used to it."

I followed Sasha to this conference room where a couple of other people had set up boards for this case. I thanked god that these people were professional. 

"Hey, guys. This is my friend, Agent Emily Prentiss from the FBI. She has decided to help us out on the case. Em, this is my partner, Nicky Delmonico."

I shook hands with the youngest person there. He grinned excitedly. He sort of reminded me of a more social Reid.

"Nice to meet you."

"And this is Kalina Wakowski," Sasha introduced. I shook her hand as well. "This is Juby Olsen and finally, this is Janet Nunez."

"Nice to meet all of you," I greeted politely. "Just so that you all know, I'm not here to order you all around. I’m only here  to help. I'm doing this as a favor, so I have no control whatsoever. So, what have you all been working on?"

"I've been asking around and talking to leaders of communes in the area," Olsen explained as he showed me a map where all of the communes were pinpointed. "I haven't heard of any violent communes or cults. Nor have I heard of anyone obsessed with Manson."

Wakowski added, "I've been searching through websites and the dark web that support, praise, or even worship Manson. There are scarily a lot of people on them. And a lot of threats have been made. I have been doing a lot of background checks on these people, but nothing has checked out yet."

"I've been trying to go to spots where gossip is rampant. Specifically diners, salons, and bars. I got a lead since you were gone, Tyburczy," Delmonico told us and crossed his arms. "Mama Jude, the owner of a breakfast diner, told me that some of her friends' kids have dropped out of school and have followed some prophet. She hadn't heard of anything violent, but she knew that this guy must be powerful."

I couldn't tell if that sounded like Manson 2.0 or just another neighborhood cult leader.

"Did she give you any names of the people who dropped out and followed him?" Sasha asked him.

"I have a list," Delmonico replied. "But she has no idea where they are staying."

"Okay. Nicky, Emily, come with me. Let's go talk to some parents and see if they know where their kids are. Everyone else, continue what you are doing. And Nunez, you got word from the prison yet?"

Nunez shook her head disappointedly. "Nope. But they said they will call me back this afternoon."

"Good. Keep on it. Let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter is done! I hope you liked the first chapter with JJ's point of view. I hope you all did like it because a lot of this story is going to be in her perspective. Thank you all so so much for reading and reviewing! Questions? Comments?


	7. we might as well be strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don't own Criminal Minds! Just remember, all the stuff in italics are flashbacks!

**JJ’s POV**

I sneaked into Penelope's lair before I had to get to the plane so that we could fly to the destination of our next case.

"Hey, PG," I greeted suddenly, causing her to jump.

"Jesus, Jayje!" She squealed as she almost fell out of her chair. "What can I do for ya, pretty lady?"

I lowered my voice and went into serious mode. "What I am going to ask you is pretty damn unethical, and I'd totally be okay if you said no."

Penelope raised her eyebrows and grinned. "Now you have my full, undivided, attention. Want me to look into your southern beau?"

I shook my head. "No, actually, can we look into Emily's friend, Sasha Tyburczy? I got a weird feeling about her."

"You did?" Pen asked, sounding surprised. "She seemed professional to me. What is it about her that made your spidey senses all tingly?"

I shrugged. Deep down, I knew what it was. "Em has never talked about this woman but says that she trusts her more than anyone? Does she have an obsession with Manson? Just seems off to me."

Pen didn't really believe my answer, but she started to type away anyway. "Sasha Tyburczy was raised by her single mother in California. She had good grades and went to Yale. She apparently lived with Emily in an apartment for their last two years of college. She went to the Academy and she works in the LAPD. Nothing that seems out of the ordinary. No criminal record, or anything like that. I'm cross-referencing her with Emily in anything online or written and… Oh."

"Oh?" I asked her, trying to find where she was looking at the screen. "What does 'oh' mean?"

"Nothing bad or anything. These frat guys wrote this piece about her trying to 'ruin their lives.' And Emily is mentioned. As, and I quote, 'her dyke girlfriend.' That’s awful! My poor broody baby!"

Pen looked back at me to try to see my reaction. She was surprised that I didn't really have much of one. That was actually, what I totally suspected.

"So you knew?" Penelope asked me. "You knew that the beautifully mysterious Emily Prentiss was gay?"

I nodded silently. It wasn't like I could tell her how I knew. I couldn't even tell her how I exactly found out.

_"I can't believe everybody left,” I mumbled as I took another long sip of beer. "Thanks for staying with me. If you weren't here I might've gone home with some stranger."_

_Emily nodded and looked at her glass of vodka. She seemed upset. Like something was bothering her. "No problem."_

_I stared at her. Emily was beautiful. And freakishly smart. She could probably have anyone she wanted. "You seeing anyone? I feel like we don't talk about anything personal with you."_

_The brunette shook her head. "I don't date, really. Never been my kind of thing. Haven't been in a real committed relationship since like college."_

_I raised my eyebrows. No relationships? There must have been a reasons for that. And I wanted to know them. All of them. I wanted to rip off that mask on her face. I wanted to know the real Emily Prentiss._

_"So… what's your type? Are you into the Morgan type of guy or Reid? Nerdy, athletic, or… commanding…?"_

_Emily snorted. "Are you referring to Hotch? Are you insane?"_

_I shrugged and took a swig of beer. "Just saying. You both have a lot of tension going on there."_

_"Ew, JJ. One, he's married and has a kid. Two, he's my boss. And three, the so-called tension comes from his lack of trust in me. He thinks I just want political gain."_

_"Do you?" I asked her gently. She glared at me and I changed my question. "I mean, why the BAU?"_

_"I was lost for a while. I was always quite the ambitious girl. And the BAU seemed to be everything I was looking for. I worked my ass off for it. But I guess that doesn't matter when none of you trust me."_

_I sighed. The mysterious new girl was right. "It's not your fault. The girl you replaced… her leaving hit us hard."_

_"You don't have to explain it to me. Really. It is how it is."_

_I felt guilty. But she didn't seem like she was in the mood to talk about it. "Let's change the subject. So you aren't into Hotch. Morgan or Reid?"_

_She chuckled and shook her head. She finished her glass of vodka. "Neither."_

_I rolled my eyes. "Why? Because it's inappropriate to talk about our colleagues like that? Pen and I talk about this all the time."_

_"No, it's not like that. Look, I don't do this. The girl talk. Sharing feelings. I'm a lone wolf, okay? And if you are really that interested, I wouldn't pick Morgan or Reid because there's a girl at the end of the bar that keeps checking me out and I think I'm going to sleep with her tonight."_

_I was utterly speechless by her bluntness. That was definitely one way to shut me up. "Oh."_

_"Yeah. Thanks for the fun, JJ. See you tomorrow." She put down a few dollars and headed toward the redhead that was making googly eyes at her._

_I watched Emily whisper something in her ear and make the girl laugh. I watched it take less than two minutes for Emily to get the girl to follow her out. Faster than Morgan. Definitely faster than me._

_I finished my beer and took off. I spent the rest of my night thinking about Emily Prentiss and the impression she left on me._

"Yeah," I told Penelope slowly. "She told me a couple months after she first joined. It wasn't a big deal."

"It makes sense. That's why she doesn't tell us anything. It sucks though. She could have told me. I wouldn't have judged." She frowned, looking sad.

"She knows that, Pen. She didn't mean to tell me, I think. She only talked about it once. And she was drunk. But she never told me about her."

Penelope nodded, looking less upset. "Yeah. It sounds serious. On record, it doesn't look like they communicated much at all after the end of their senior year."

"Weird. What kind of relationship ends suddenly like that, but doesn't end that bad enough for them to work professionally and have total trust in each other?" Something was off. I knew it. Something just wasn't adding up.

"Not sure, girl wonder. All I know is Emily Prentiss becomes more and more of an enigma every day."

I couldn't agree more.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

"Those parents were horrible," Sasha commented as she drove us back to the precinct.

The parents didn't give us too much information. Each one of them had basically the same story (their kid was good but got into drugs or sex). And I agreed with Sasha. The parents did not seem like good ones.

They did seem to care about their children, but only to a certain degree. They never went out to look for the kids or the man who seduced them into the cult.

Typical stories for typical cults. Nothing sounded like Manson. And when we brought him up, everyone denied the connection. But who wouldn't? Would anyone like to be connected to the murdering sociopath?

"I can't believe we haven't heard about this sooner," Delmonico added thoughtfully. "All these kids have been lured away from their homes by this asshole. And we didn't even know this was happening."

"They didn't have parents to advocate for them," Sasha argued. "It's not our fault that we didn't know. Unfortunately, there are a lot of parents in this world that weren't made to be parents. And some are able to exploit that."

I nodded. My experience with parental figures was not very good. Though, I knew there were good parents out there. Hotch was a perfect example of that. But I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I met someone like Manson. If someone offered me love when I was a teenager who didn't know that it was possible for anyone to care for me.

"Emily, want to see the crime scene?" Sasha asked me. "Olsen is checking with the M.E. about the bodies right now. He's going to figure out if there is more than one perp like I expect."

"That sounds good," I told her. "Tell me about the scene."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading! Reviews are welcome and super appreciated!


	8. it’s beginning to get to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! I still don't own Criminal Minds. This chapter references the episode, "Revelations."

The sight wasn't as gruesome as some other crime scenes I had seen in the past. But that doesn't mean that it wasn't animalistic and flinch worthy. And due to the amount of blood and stab marks, sadism was definitely a factor as well.

"Thanks for letting me know, Olsen," Sasha said as she hung up and entered the living room where Delmonico was showing me where the victims were brutally murdered. She turned to us and explained, "The Medical Examiner confirmed my prediction. There were three different angles with the stab trajectories. Three different heights, three different perps. But unlike Manson, they cleaned up better. Just like in the house, there are no fingerprints, hair, or DNA on the bodies. Either the leader is training them well, or maybe he is killing them, too."

I looked around the room. Blood spattered the floors and walls. Delmonico showed me pictures of the bodies hanging from the ropes. They were tortured by the rope, but they were killed by the stab wounds. They also suffered from beatings and bullets. Overkill would be an understatement.

"Why do you think that the UnSubs placed the bodies back in the noose after they killed them with knives and bullets? The noose wasn't what killed them."

"I'm not sure," Sasha wondered out loud. "Different from Manson, for sure. Though, the Family did hang their victims as well. But these perps had more control. They didn't let anyone escape or get free. Organized chaos."

I nodded, looking at the lack of mess in the living room. "This guy has trained them well. Which begs the concern for more bodies."

"Which is why…" She paused, becoming extremely serious. "I've been trying to get into contact with California State Prison. I want to talk with Manson. My guess is that the perp has tried to communicate with Manson. Charlie might not be working with him… but…"

"But he might know who his admirer is," I finished, understanding where she was going with this. I couldn't help but be surprised. Talking to Manson was ambitious, to say the least. "You contacted the warden?"

"The Captain gave me the go ahead. He doesn't want to be blamed if something goes wrong, but he's happy to let me investigate. I think we should be allowed in the next few days or so."

I didn't bother telling her that I couldn't believe they would let us in. Manson wasn't just a normal prisoner. And our case, we wouldn't want it to get any attention. We wouldn't want LA to think the Manson Family was back. Even if it was.

Delmonico's phone buzzed and he made a weird sound. "Wakowski texted me. She picked up Sandra Good. She's at the station right now. And apparently, she'll only talk to you, Ty."

I could see Sasha's eyes light up. I couldn't tell if it was with excitement or curiosity. I didn't understand the reaction.

"Alright. Em, are you done here?" Sasha asked, with something else new in her voice. Something… different.

I nodded. It was hard to process all of the crime scene and the information coming at me. Usually I had a team who thought similarly to me, so I could bounce ideas off of them. Sasha was brilliant, and I had no doubt that Delmonico isn't incompetent, but it wasn't the same.

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

"Do you… do you think I was too harsh with Prentiss? Do you think that I don't trust her as much as the others?" Hotch asked me as we started to land.

I opened my mouth and then closed it. I didn't know how to reply to my boss. While I had the freedom to tell Hotch about how I saw things, I didn't feel like I was in the position to say anything.

"Hotch… Emily is fine. She was just pissed off. It wasn't about trust. But, then again, you did have trust problems when she first joined. She's one of the newest members and she came after Elle."

He stared at me carefully, trying to tell if I was being honest with him. "You feel wary about this whole Prentiss situation, don't you? You think we should have gone with her?"

I shook my head. "No. We had more pertinent cases that needed our attention. It's more like the feeling I got about her friend, the detective. She's been in contact with some of the Family members since she was what, in her early twenties? There must be a reason for that. And if there isn't, there is the possibility of obsession."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "For being someone adamant about not becoming a profiler, you tend to profile others quite often. Usually Emily."

I didn't know what to infer about his observation. Maybe he was right. But I wanted him to be wrong.

"It's not about Emily," I argued. "I'm afraid that the detective is too invested. That she won't see any other points of view."

He nodded slowly. "I understand. I have the same unease about it. But Prentiss asked us to trust her. And I have to. Because if I don't, then I will want to fly to LA and pick her up from there."

He noticed the surprise in my face. I couldn't believe that he would admit something like that to me. Hotch cared about his team. We were his family. But I guess I didn't realize until now that he felt that way about Emily as well.

"You and Prentiss doing okay? You seemed pretty cautious about her. Should I be worried about something?"

I wondered if he knew about our… previous friends with benefits situation. But I shook that thought out of my head. I couldn't even think about that right now. What he was really wondering was if Emily was okay. I couldn't even answer that one. And I was supposed to be her friend. And I couldn't tell if the brunette beauty was okay or not. I didn't know what Emily looked like not okay. She did tell me that I was killing her. Or, our relationship was.

I told him honestly, "I'm not sure if she's okay. But she's Prentiss. She's hardcore. She's not affected by all the stuff."

He shook his head in disagreement. "Of course she is affected by it, JJ. She might hide it better, but she holds it in. At least we have people that we can talk to about our pain. I'm not sure that she has that."

My jaw dropped slightly. How could he know that better than I did? I wondered if I knew Emily Prentiss at all. I hated not knowing the answers to his questions. I hated not knowing the person I was close to in so many other ways.

I somewhat felt ashamed. I went to Emily every time I was hurting. I never let her come to me.

Emily told me that she didn't flinch because she compartmentalizes better than most. This was the first time I realized what that meant. It meant Emily hid everything from herself and everyone else. And now, more than anything, I wished that I was there for her more than the nights of sex that I offered her.

I thought back to the night I first went to her. I knew she was upset. I knew something was bothering her. And I ignored it. So that she could comfort me.

_I knocked on her door. I looked behind me once before she opened the door. I felt like eyes were following me. I could still hear the growls and the sound the dogs made as they tried to attack, and the sound the bullets made as they pierced the skin of the animals._

_She opened the door with tears in her eyes. I ignored them. I showed her the bottle of vodka I had brought in my purse._

_Wordlessly, she moved to the side to let me enter._

_I hadn't ever been to her apartment before. It was larger than I expected. But as a daughter of a political figure, I also wasn't surprised that she had money. Everything looked like a bachelor pad. I couldn't pinpoint one thing in the apartment that stood out to me that seemed like something personal to Emily._

_I jumped when I heard her open the cabinet and bring two glasses over to me. She put the glasses down on the coffee table and took my hand and helped me sit down. She touched my face and I flinched away._

_I poured the drinks and passed her one. I finished a whole glass in one sip. She watched me carefully._

_Tears fell down my cheeks and she wiped them away. I opened my mouth and the words fell out like a croak._

_"I used to love dogs."_

_She didn't have to ask me any questions. She just understood. She pulled me into a hug. I felt her body shake and I ignored it._

_"You will love them again. I know it, Jennifer." She replied kindly as she let go and took another sip of the drink._

_I tried to believe her. I wanted to. But her words of comfort didn't feel real to me._

_In silence, we finished half of the bottle. I was too drunk to drive home. I stared at the woman in front of me. The woman who didn't flinch at the bodies or the pain or any of it. I wanted to be her in that moment of time._

_I wanted to feel her. For a reason I couldn't even fathom, I pressed my lips against hers. She turned away. She looked hurt and afraid. I was surprised. The always confident Emily Prentiss looked embarrassed and ashamed._

_"You don't want this. You're hurting," She whispered, her voice shaking as much as her body. "You'd regret it."_

_Pain rose up into my chest. I knew at that moment that someone in her life made her believe that they regretted being with her. I didn't comprehend how that could ever be possible._

_"Emily," I murmured, pulling her hand to my mouth before I kissed it. "I could never regret you."_

_The lie fell out of my mouth. Maybe at that moment, I meant it. Maybe part of me hoped I did. Maybe I used her at that moment. Lied so that she would sleep with me. Whatever it was, it worked. Because only a few seconds later, her lips were on mine and the pain lessened. I didn't feel broken or traumatized. And at that moment I didn't regret it. But I would only a few hours later._

My eyes flickered back to Hotch and I was brought back to the present. He seemed to notice that I went somewhere else, but he didn't question me on it. I was grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad flashback, I know. But I hope you see that JJ's feelings are much more complex than even Emily realizes. Not to say that JJ had any right using Emily. Neither of them is perfect.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading! Reviews are welcome and super duper appreciated!


	9. here we go again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don't own Criminal Minds!

**Emily’s POV**

I didn't know what to expect when meeting a member of the Manson Family. Being a profiler, of course, I had been interested in the Manson Family, it being probably one of the most notorious cults. I read  _Helter Skelter_ , I studied the trial, I learned about the drugs and the sex and how hundreds of people were manipulated by a small man who thought he was God and the Devil. I didn't know much about Sandra Good other than the fact that her good friend was Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, one of the only women who still supported Charles Manson.

Sandra Good looked like any normal older woman. She wasn't dressed up. Her hair was down, her clothes were loose on her body, and she looked normal. She could have looked like a grandmother. Not what I would have thought a devoted follower to Manson would look like.

"You're intrigued, aren't you?" Sasha whispered as we watched the woman pick at a sandwich in the adjacent interrogation room. "I can read it all over your face."

I couldn't deny my interest. "I've always wanted to meet members, you know that. It wasn't just you that was interested in them."

She seemed like she was glad that I was so fascinated. "Want to talk to her with me? I'll still take the lead, of course."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "You sure you want me to? If you both already have a bond, I don't want to get in your way. I don't want her to lose her trust in you..."

"She trusts me, Em. You have nothing to worry about. If I had any doubts, you know I wouldn't ask."

I nodded knowing that she was right. Sasha was always diligent.

"Come on," Sasha said with an enticing smile. "Let's do this."

I followed her out of the room and into the interrogation room. Sandra looked up and saw Sasha. She smiled. But then she saw me and frowned.

"Sandra," Sasha greeted as she sat down. "This is my dear friend Emily Prentiss. Can she sit with us?"

Sandra's face lit up at the sound of my name. " _The_  Emily Prentiss?"

I raised my eyebrows. I had no idea how she knew my name. I turned to Sasha, looking for answers.

She chuckled lightly. "Sorry, Em. I have told Sandra about our… relationship."

"I told her to go find you, you know," Sandra said as if she thought that she was wise. "Come and sit with us, Emily. We have a lot to talk about. After, of course, you have to tell me if you two are back together yet."

I shook my head. "No, Sandra. I came here to help Sasha with a case."

Sandra didn’t seem phased and she replied, "I have no doubts that you will get back together though."

"Sandra," Sasha said loudly enough to grab the woman's attention. "Where have you been the last couple of weeks when I have been trying to reach you?"

The devoted Manson follower quickly looked down, as if she were afraid or scared. "I've been in Mexico."

Sasha and I looked at each other. Running away to Mexico was not easy. There must have been a good reason for it.

"Why did you go to Mexico?"

The older woman sighed. "The morning after me and Squeaky came to your place for dinner, I went to go find her. She wasn't in her apartment. I had a key, so I went inside. I went to her bedroom. On her dresser was her bracelet. She wears it everywhere. She wouldn't ever forget to put it on. That's when I knew she was taken. That's why I left."

I found her story to be lacking. One bracelet didn't mean much. "What's so special about the bracelet?"

Sandra's eyes flickered up to look straight into mine. "Charlie gave her that bracelet. It was a token of their love."

And with that, I understood completely. Lynette Fromme wouldn't go anywhere without her symbol of love for Manson. She wasn't capable of it.

I nodded, letting Sandra and Sasha know that I understood.

"So then why are you here now?" I asked her.

"Well, even in Mexico, I didn't feel safe. I'm afraid that they could get me anywhere. So I came here. I figured they wouldn't dare come to the police department."

I thought that she made the right move. If this new Family was murdering (and if they are smarter than the original Family), they wouldn't come to the precinct. They would just be incriminating themselves.

"You made the right decision, Sandy. We will keep you safe here. Have you gotten any more threats in the past two weeks?" Sasha asked her.

Sandra shook her head. "Most of my threats were by a phone call and by mail. I didn't have a phone or an address in Mexico. So I didn't get any threats recently."

"Sandra, did Squeaky or any of the others think about killing the snitches or their family?" Sasha interrogated.

The woman raised her eyebrows and I could see her eyes become darker. "Of course, long ago, we made those threats…" she said very nonchalantly. "But we didn't come up with any specific plans."

"But," I argued. "You all did commit murder after the Tate-LaBianca killings. Hughes, your attempt to murder Barbara Hoyt, other members…"

"Squeaky and I, we've changed," Sandra snapped in a commanding tone. It reminded me of the trial. How cute, innocent looking girls could get so violent and malicious in a split second.

"And yet you are still devoted to Manson!" I argued, getting just as loud as she was.

I could feel Sasha tensing up beside me. I knew she wanted me to stop, but this was how I interrogated. This was what was necessary.

"Manson is about  _love_ , not killing."

I held in an eye roll. Of course, she would think that. "And yet how many people died under his command? Nine? Eleven? Thirty-five? Forty? One hundred? More? How many have you been a part of?"

Tears rose up in the woman's eyes. "I never— that wasn't what I wanted. I came for the love!"

"And you stayed for the murder!" I shouted back, getting pissed off. "You loved Manson. How can I really trust that you aren't lying and that you love this new Manson, huh? Trying to figure out what we know to report to the new Jesus Christ?"

I startled her. That was obvious. Her eyes became wide as if I was scaring her. She was just where I wanted her. But then…

"Em, shut up," Sasha snarled before putting her hand on Sandra's. "Emily doesn't mean it, Sandy. She doesn't know. She hasn't had dinner with you guys every Thursday as I have. She's trying her best like we all are. Have you been in touch with any of the others? Mary Brunner? Gypsy? Haven't seen her in a while."

Sandra shrugged. "Haven't talked with Mary in years. Gypsy hasn't called me in weeks. But I wasn't worried about that. Until Squeaky." She let out a small sob. I didn't know if I believed her yet.

"Sandra," I began, lowering my voice so I could be perceived as being calm. "Do you have any of those letters or recordings of any messages that this group sent you?"

She shook her head. "Squeaky told me to burn them. She said that having evidence like that could be incriminating. Those prosecutors always want to put innocent people behind bars."

I had to hide another eye roll. Of course, the guilty woman thought that the prosecution was evil. I wasn't sure if she was telling the truth or not. Either way, I didn't believe in Squeaky. She was always a fan of Manson. Even after all of these years.

"We will keep you protected, Sandy. We will stop by to make sure you are treated well here. We won't let anything happen to you." Sasha let go of her shaking hands and got up. I raised my eyebrows... interview over, apparently.

I followed Sasha out of the room. Sasha grabbed my hand and took me into the empty interrogation room next door.

"What the fuck, Emily? Is that how you treat all witnesses?" Sasha asked, her face becoming red with anger.

I gaped at her. "Me? I'm the problem? Sasha, she could be playing you. I just interrogated her like any other suspect. I know you have had this relationship with her for years, Sash, but I'm an FBI agent. This is how we do things. This is just a tactic—"

"Well, aren't we glad that you aren't still in Interpol where you'd be torturing her by now," Sasha snapped, pushing a chair across the room.

I stared at her. Her tone reminded me of our last fight. It sounded a lot like this one.

_"Europe? Em, that's so far away. I thought we were both going to go to the academy so we could be detectives. I thought we were going to do this together."_

_She was yelling. I was yelling. We were yelling. Sasha and I rarely fought. But when we did, it was nasty. Cruel. Especially when my inebriated demons came to town. The devil and I had a good relationship when Sasha was mad at me. Sweet, sweet alcohol and I were tight._

_I took another sip of liquor. I tried to ignore her. I knew that I was hurting her. That was my goal, of course. She shouldn't have to live with me._

_"Fucking say something, Em! Don't give up on me! Don't give up on this! We have worked so hard to be in this happy place! And you're giving it up for what? A job?"_

_My dark eyes flickered and stared into hers. "What if I don't want_ this _anymore?"_

_I watched as tears filled her eyes. I watched as her heart broke. And all I did was continue to drink. "You don't honestly mean that, Emmy. Stop drinking and just talk to me! I know you have had a hard time since your dad died. But that doesn't mean you have the right to give up on the life that we created."_

_"Don't talk about my father—"_

_"He was not a good father to you! He did things to you that you try to repress today. At the very least, he watched your mother ridicule you and he did nothing about it. He didn't even blink when you became depressed! He didn't visit you in the hospital after you tried to end your life. He wasn't a good man! But you are nothing like him! He's an alcoholic, but you don't have to be."_

_I took a breath, knowing that the words that were going to leave my mouth were going to end everything. "What the hell do you know about fathers? Yours left you so that he could start a race war with a bunch of hippies."_

_Tears fell down her cheeks now. She got up off from the chair across from me and put on her jacket. "I love you, Emily. After everything, I still love you. But you're so goddamn fucked up that you can't let me love you. So I guess it's over. You got what you wanted."_

_She walked to the door of our apartment. She opened the door. I felt something hit my chest and bounce off. I looked down and saw the ring on the carpet. I looked up at Sasha who was still staring at me._

_"I just want to know one thing. If you didn't want us anymore, why did you ask me to marry you?"_

_I didn't know how to reply to that. I couldn't be honest. And I couldn't lie. So instead I just shrugged like the asshole I was._

_"Fuck you, Emily."_

I cleared my throat. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I didn't want to leave with her hating me again. "I'm sorry, Sash. You're right. I took over in there. This is your case. She's your informant. I overstepped my boundaries."

I thought she was going to yell at me some more, but instead, she took a deep breath and sighed. "No, I'm sorry. You aren't used to doing this. I shouldn't have yelled like that." She checked her watch. "It's late. You wanna pick up some take out and then go back to my place?"

I nodded. Something still didn't feel right about Sandra Good. But there was nothing I could do about it at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. That flashback was crazy. But hopefully, it shows more complexity with their relationship! Don't worry! More Jemily in the next chapter!


	10. the ballad of me and my brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don't own CM! This chapter references the episode "Seven Seconds!"

Sasha and I spent the night watching whatever was on TV. There was a lot of unresolved tension between us and neither of us had the energy to talk about it. Once the bad movie ended, both of us went to bed.

I looked at myself in the guest bathroom mirror. I looked almost sickly. I hadn't slept well in weeks. And I knew I wouldn't sleep well tonight. Too much was on my mind. There was too much to think about.

I went to bed thinking about JJ. I wondered what she was doing tonight. What she was thinking about. I wondered if she was dreaming about Will. Or hell, even me. I wondered if she could sleep tonight. It was obvious from the nights when we shared a bedroom that sleeping wasn't easy for her either.

An hour had passed. It was now 3 AM. Against every little warning sound that went off in my head, I texted the blonde that was on my mind.

**Me: How's the case going on your end?**

It took only a few seconds for her to reply.

**Jareau: We just found a missing girl and her kidnapper. Going home in a few hours. How is your case? How are you doing? Missing you.**

Missing me? JJ never used that language around me. We were never cutesy. Never nickname-y. We made sure nothing between us made any feelings stronger. So I was extremely surprised when she wrote those two words.

**Me: Glad you caught the UnSub and found the girl. This case goes deeper than I thought. Might be here for a while. I'll update you and the team tomorrow. I'm doing alright. How are you? I'm missing you and the team's expertise as well. Don't know who to bounce ideas off of.**

**Jareau: I'm doing fine! Yeah, it's been weird not having you around, too. Everyone was a bit more gloomy today. Hey, just realized it was super late by you. Having trouble sleeping? You sure everything is alright?**

_Everything alright?_  It was almost humorous how not alright everything was.

**Me: yeah everything is good. It's hard for me to sleep in different beds.**

_And you aren't there,_ I added in my mind. There were many occasions when JJ and I had to share a bed. We had to save money somehow with all the spending that we did on every case. Besides, it wasn't like we spent much time in our rooms anyway.

It was strange how sleeping together was never uncomfortable with us. Unless it was after we had sex, we just shared a bed like we were best friends. We stayed to our separate sides. Of course, there were times that we… leaned a little closer to each other. But that was rare. Rare and… special.

_"Emily?" JJ whispered quietly after we spent the last hour both tossing and turning._

_"Yeah?" I replied just as quietly._

_I could feel her shake in the bed. The cases were always hard when kids were involved. Other cases that were hard were the ones that we could relate to with the UnSub. Or, sometimes, especially with me and JJ, when we looked exactly like all the victims._

_This guy that we were chasing was raping blonde teens. Teens that had similar backgrounds to JJ. Athletic, intelligent, popular, happy. Kids that deserved the world. Kids that deserved to live._

_"I hate to ask… but… I can't sleep. I can't stop— thinking, shaking. I just need…" She trailed off, embarrassed to ask._

_"Someone to hold you?" I finished for her._

_"Yes, please."_

_I rolled over and moved closer to her. I tried to push back all my senses. My smell, my touch. I had to remind myself that this was friendly. That she wasn't asking me for this because she wanted a relationship. But because she needed a friend._

_I wrapped my body around her, spooning her. I felt her calm down and eventually stop shaking. I could tell by her relaxation and her breathing that she had fallen asleep._

_Unfortunately, I, on the other hand, was now wide awake._

And there were times that JJ did come around thinking that I needed comfort. Cases where I looked like the victims. Cases where I got emotionally involved.

_"Emily—" JJ said as she pulled my arm._

_I laughed as I felt the woman tried to move me. She was strong. But I was stubborn. "H-how'd ya find m-me?" I slurred as I drank another shot._

_As the bartender started pouring me another drink, JJ said, "No more for her."_

_"No! Keep em coming! I'd l-like some more tequila Mr. Bartender, sir."_

_But before he could pass me the drink, JJ picked up the drink. My reflexes weren't as sharp drunk. "No more, Em. I'm taking you home."_

_"Fuck you," I muttered under my breath. "Why the fuck do you care about me anyway?"_

_I watched as her eyes became soft with worry. "Emily, of course, I care about you! You're my colleague, my friend!"_

_"I wonder w-what they would say if they found out about you. About us. W-would they still think you were fucking perfect? P-probably. You could do no wrong," I snarled, not wanting her to be here any longer. I would say practically anything to get her to leave me alone._

_She barely reacted. She was doing better with that. She was finally learning how to have a poker face. "You're drunk, Emily. You're saying shitty things because you're drunk."_

_"I wonder what it must have been like to be you. To have the perfect little life with the perfect little people in the perfect little town. I wonder what it would be like to have a family to love you. To have a team who trusts you. To be everything your parents could want from you and more."_

_JJ sighed as if she was annoyed, not angry. "Everyone has shit in their life, Emily. Even I did. Come on. I'll take you home."_

_"Tell me your shit."_

_"What?"_

_I explained, "Tell me your shit and I'll let you take me home."_

_She crossed her arms. She debated what she was going to do. I think when she decided to tell me what happened, she thought that I was too drunk to remember what she said. She was sadly mistaken._

_"My parents did love me. And my brothers. And my sister. But they loved God too. More than us, maybe. When they found out that Rosalyn had sex, they put her in this church program. She came back different. Like she no longer felt anything at all. She separated herself from everyone. We tried to ignore her depression. But we couldn't ignore it when she killed herself. A couple days later, we stopped talking about her_   _altogether."_

_I stared at her. She had felt the pain that I thought she couldn't understand. She lived through shit. It was different shit than mine. But shit all the same._

_Keeping my promise, I got up. And followed her out of the bar. I knew she didn't want me to talk to her about it._

_She drove me home and carried me into my apartment. She tucked me into bed. When she was about to leave, I said, "Wait. Don't go. Stay."_

_She turned back to look at me. I must have looked pretty desperate. Because she came back to me._

_"This case hit you hard," JJ whispered as she crawled into my bed. "Why?"_

_"Cases with kids are always hard," I replied, trying to evade her questions._

_She was right. This case did hit me hard. I couldn't get the look of the doll out of my head. The doll that the girl, Katie, had mutilated in_ a  _representation of herself._

_"Of course they do. But not all of them make you wanna get this drunk." When I didn't answer, she continued, "You got pretty emotional today. With Susan."_

_"She was protecting a monster," I argued. "And she tried to kill her niece. Who wouldn't be emotional?"_

_"You're right. We were all disgusted. But I went to the bathroom while you were interrogating Susan. I heard everything. What you were saying to her. When you interrogated her. I heard what you said about how Katie felt."_

_I shook my head, water entering my eyes. I couldn't believe she was asking me this. "Interrogation technique."_

_"Who?" JJ asked._

_"Who what?"_

_"Who made you feel like that little girl felt, Emily? Who made you loathe yourself? What happened to you?"_

_I felt her reach over and wipe my tears away._

_"No one."_

_JJ smiled reassuringly. "It's okay, Emily. You can tell me. I'm here for you," She said comfortingly._

_I shook my head. "There's nothing to tell."_

_"Tell me about_ your _shit."_

_I let the images resurface in my head. When I was drunk, sometimes it was harder to control the boxes that kept my memories hidden._

_"It was the only time daddy showed me any attention," I said it so softly, I might have not said it at all._

_But I did. Because JJ held me tighter. And she said soothing things throughout the night as I cried. And she sang to me as I fell asleep. And she held me close to her all night long._

_And when I woke up, I pretended to wonder why she was there. I pretended to forget how much I drank and how much I told her. I put everything back into those boxes and continued my days as if that night ever happened. And JJ did the same._

JJ sent me another text.

**Jareau: call me if you need me. I'm always here for you. Day or night. Try to sleep. For me.**

And for some reason, after she sent that message, sleep came faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least one chapter with some Jemily fluff and angst! I personally love this chapter so much. Their relationship is so complex and I love writing it so much!
> 
> Thanks for reading, folks! Reviews are welcome and appreciated!


	11. it comes back to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Don't own CM!

I woke up to the sound of Sasha opening the door to the guest room I was sleeping in.

"Em, sorry to wake you up so early, but there are more bodies."

That was one way to wake me up. I almost jumped out of bed with that horrifying news.

"Same MO?"

"Same MO," She replied confidently. "You have time for a shower. We will eat on the way."

Following her directions, I showered as fast as I could. I put on fresh clothes and found Sasha putting two bagels in a bag.

She looked up at me and asked, "You ready to go?"

* * *

This was an extreme escalation. Five victims.  _Seven now altogether._  Five victims stabbed, shot, and hung. Five people mutilated and cut apart. I've seen a lot on this job. This was almost unbearable to look at.

"Juan Flynn," Sasha muttered, looking pissed. "His wife, his son, his daughter in law, and his granddaughter. All slaughtered."

I shook my head in disgust. The Spahn Ranch (where the Manson Family has lived) former cowboy and his family were murdered by the Family. And we didn't prevent it. That always hurt.

"The Manson Family didn't kill kids. When Manson was looking to kill the night of the LaBianca murders, he specifically wouldn't kill children," I commented as I walked away from the bodies and walked toward the words written on the wall.

The words were different than the ones from the original murders. This time, the words smeared on the walls were: "Comin' down fast," "Here she comes," and "Fly." All other lyrics from songs by The Beatles.

"Emily," Sasha piped up. "Come here. Look at this."

I turned around and walked to Sasha. She was looking at the kid's body. The one body I really didn't want to look at. Sasha pulled up the shirt of the kid showing the young girl's back. The word "free" was carved into her flesh. I had to hold down the vomit. I hated cases that involved kids.

"Manson thought that death wasn't the end. Like it wasn't final," Sasha informed me, her voice sounding off. I bet she rarely dealt with bodies of kids. "That was why he wasn't worried about dying. He used this philosophy to convince his followers that killing wasn't a wrongful or immoral act."

Something wasn't right though. Manson's targets were people he considered "pigs." Wealthier people who thought they were higher in the hierarchy than others. People whose deaths would enrage other white people to get them fired up enough to start a war. This didn't follow that victimology. I realized that this UnSub wasn't just copying the murders, he was avenging Manson's capture and the end to the Family.

I cleared my throat and looked away from the body. "We need to talk to Manson. And I need to call my team."

"I agree with you about talking to Manson," Sasha nodded. "But your team didn't believe you last time. Why would they believe you now? We don't even need them."

I shook my head. "They didn't understand that this wasn't just a one-time thing. Now there are seven victims. There could be a spree. Hell, it already could be a spree. The BAU would be called for a case like this one anyway. Copycat or the real deal Manson Family, seven people are dead and more are going to be killed. They are going to come."

Sasha looked almost angry and disappointed with what I told her. But eventually, she sighed and replied, "Fine. I'll call the Captain and convince him to talk to the warden so that we can get into the prison. You call your team."

Following her orders, I nodded and left the house. I took a deep breath when I walked outside. It was a relief that I didn't have to see bodies or blood for a few minutes. I dialed Hotch's number.

_"Hotchner,"_  Hotch answered casually.

"Hotch, five more victims today. Juan Flynn, a witness for the trial, and his family were stabbed, shot, and hung. I talked to Sandra Good. She has been threatened by the new leader and was scared enough to flee. She thinks they took Lynette Fromme. The stab marks on the DeCarlo couple showed multiple UnSubs. Hotch, this is happening and we need your help."

He remained silent for a few seconds before replying. _"I hear you, Prentiss. JJ talked to me this morning. She already convinced me to send the team to you. We will get a flight out to LA as soon as possible. It will still be a few hours, though."_

I couldn't believe that they had already decided to come out. And I  _really_ couldn't believe that it was JJ who convinced him.

"Thank you, Sir. I think that Detective Tyburczy and I will try to speak with Manson himself in the next few hours."

_"Alright. Try to record your conversation with him. And ask him for letters that he was sent by admirers."_

I nodded, agreeing with him one hundred percent. "For sure. Oh, and Hotch? One of the victims… one of the victims was a kid."

_"That's different. Alright, Prentiss. Thanks for letting me know. I'll let you know when we are landing. Talk to you soon."_

"See you soon, Sir."

I hung up and noticed that Sasha was running up to me.

"They coming here?" She asked and I nodded. She added, "I have good news, too. Boss told me that we are allowed an interview. Delmonico is picking us up. You ready to talk to the most infamous cult leader of all time?"

She seemed so emotionless. Which sort of scared me. Due to her… situation. "Sash, are you sure you are okay with this? I could take over the interview and do it with Delmonico if you want me—"

"No," Sasha argued darkly with an almost shrivel tone to her voice. "Thank you for offering, but no. Manson doesn't know who I am and I can pretend like he's not my father. No one else besides you knows. No one has to know about this."

I wanted to argue with her. I wanted to tell her that her that her feelings could get in the way of this case, even if she tried to not let them. If Hotch was in charge, hell, if anyone else was here, they would make sure that she wasn't interviewing the man who left her and her mother to lead a cult to murder.

"Don't make that worried face, Em. I'm fine." Those words brought me back.

_"Don't make that worried face, Emmy. I'm fine, l-love," Sasha whispered before kissing my forehead._

_"You're drunk," I muttered under my breath. "You never drink, Sash. You knew how easily your mom got addicted. You told me when we first met that you don't drink. So you are obviously not okay."_

_"I'm a_   _grown-up, Em. I can drink if I want to," She caught me glaring at her and she added, "This isn't about him."_

_I shook my head with an incredulous look. "Of course this is about him! You have every right to not feel okay! You just found out who your father is! It doesn't matter who he is, it's still hard."_

_"But it does matter who it is. Emily, what if something is wrong with me? How could I be normal if my father is so evil?"_

_I brushed the hair out of her wet face and kissed her cheek. "Nothing is wrong with you, Sash. Other than your choice of romantic partner, you are completely normal. You didn't grow up with him. He didn't affect your life at all. And he still doesn't have to."_

_She put her forehead against mine. "I don't know how I would have gotten through this without you. You keep me sane, Emily."_

"Sasha, if I saw my father again, I wouldn't be able to hold it in emotionally. This isn't just some suspect, Sash. He's your father."

She rolled her eyes. "Weren't you the one who told me that he wasn't my father? Besides, of course, you wouldn't be able to hold it in emotionally with your dad. He hurt you in so many ways. Manson never laid a finger on me. He probably doesn't know that I exist."

"If someone finds out…"

"They won't. And if someone did, then I will tell them that you didn't know. That way you could continue to do what you do best: keep secrets."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWIST! Did you guys expect it? Manson being Sasha's father is going to be so important for the rest of the story. Here comes the team!
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please review! Let me know what you like!


	12. a change of heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is a short chapter! I still don't own CM!

**JJ’s POV**

"Everyone," Hotch shouted, trying to gather us all up after he finished his phone call. All of us turned to him before we got onto the plane.

"What's up? Is it Emily?"

He nodded. "Prentiss just called me. Five more bodies. Same MO. Things have changed. She is worried about a spree and I am as well. JJ and I decided that we were going to LA anyway, but this has just reaffirmed our decision."

"Five more victims?" Spence asked, just as astonished as all of us. His face contorted in a frown as if he was feeling guilty. "She warned us and we didn't go with her."

"We couldn't have prevented this, kid," Derek reassured him. "We still going to Virginia or are we flying directly to LA?"

Hotch replied, "We are still going to Virginia. So that everyone can get their go-bags together. And so we can pick up Garcia. It'll still be a long time until we get to LA. But I'm sure that Prentiss can handle things there."

"How's she doing?" I asked him, concerned for my friend.

"Fine from what I can tell. She needs our help. Help that we refused her earlier. Just to be clear, when we get there, we are going to let Prentiss be in charge. She knows this case better than all of us. We are just going to follow her lead."

All of us nodded. That was fair. We owed Emily a lot more than giving her command. But we couldn't change our decision from the past.

Gloomily, I walked onto the plane. I felt the deep pit in my stomach  _hurt_. It wasn't just guilt I was feeling. It was fear. Fear that I couldn't explain. It wasn't like Emily was in any obvious danger. Yet, I was scared for Emily's safety. I needed for her to be okay. She could be closer to this case than we knew. And knowing Emily, she'd do anything to catch the bad guy. Even if that meant getting hurt in the process.

"You okay?" Rossi asked as he took a seat across from me. "You look like you have just seen a ghost. Feeling alright?"

I nodded. Rossi was always good at reading people. He always seemed to know what was going on, even when it seemed like it was impossible for him to know everything.

"I'm worried about Emily. I feel guilty… for not backing her up. For not following her. I just wish we were just there already. In LA, helping her out. I'm afraid that she's going through this alone." That wasn't even half of the story, but I hoped that it would be enough for the eldest profiler.

"She isn't. She has her friend. The detective she was working with. I understand that you feel guilty, but you shouldn't. You were just doing your job."

"But this is  _Emily_  we are talking about. Maybe… maybe being a friend is more important than choosing the right case."

He raised his eyebrows and nodded as if he was thinking about what I said very carefully. "As a close-knit team like we are, it's normal to think of each other as family. I understand how you would think that helping a friend would be more important than doing the job right. But I think you need to ask yourself if you would do the same for Morgan. Or Hotch. Or me. Would you feel this guilty if it was one of them?"

Sometimes, Rossi was too wise. And too intuitive. Somehow, Rossi knew. Maybe not about everything. I had no idea how the man who just joined the team months ago, knew about what Emily and I were doing.

"You don't have to answer me, JJ. I just want you to think about it. I think you deserve to know the answer to the question."

I was thankful that he didn't make me answer. I was embarrassed enough as it was. I didn't want to think about his question. I didn't want to know why I felt more anxious about Emily being in LA than during any stressful case. I just wanted to relax. But I knew I couldn't. Not when I wasn't by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how clueless JJ is. She's like, hmmm, why do I care about Em so much? She's oblivious, but we love her.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Continue reviewing! Let me know your thoughts!


	13. cold desert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter's a little crazy. Enjoy, y'all. I don't own CM!

**Emily’s POV**

I kept my eye on Sasha all the way to the prison, and from the prison to the small interrogation rooms. We sat in the dank room for what seemed like hours before the door opened.

Charles Manson in flesh and blood. He didn't look like Jesus Christ to me. And calling him the Devil wouldn't be correct either. Calling him the Devil would give him too much credit. Maybe he's just human like the rest of us. Maybe that was even scarier.

He sat down with the chains across his hands. I didn't know what to notice about him first. His scar on his forehead, his shorter (and less dark) hair, or those eyes that were known for being able to pierce into the soul. I wasn't afraid of Charles Manson. I was afraid of how he had such a large following. How people were attracted to the murderous philosophy.

I was awed by how little Sasha reacted to meeting her father for the first time. I couldn't believe how she could be so… emotionless.

"It's such a pleasure to sit down with you two beautiful ladies," Manson commented as he leaned in closer to us as if he wanted to breathe us in. "They wouldn't tell me why I have the honor to speak with you two."

"I'm Detective Tyburczy with the LAPD," Sasha told him, her voice void of any feelings at all. "This is Agent Prentiss with the FBI. We're trying to solve some murders. And we could use your assistance."

He laughed, causing me to feel unsettled. "It's finally happening, isn't it?"

"What?" I asked, hoping that he was referring to the copycat.

He turned his head to the side to look at me. He stared into my eyes as if he was trying to get a read on me. "What did your father do to you?"

I tried my hardest not to react. Manson was obsessed with fathers. He used 'daddy problems' as a way to get to his followers.

Ignoring his question, I asked, "Do you know who is trying to copy your murders?"

"Copy?" Manson asked, chuckling once again. "You're naive, woman. If you think he is only copying what I was doing, you are very mistaken."

"What do you mean by that?" Sasha interrogated, her voice becoming more commanding than before.

"Hmmm," Manson said as if he was pondering some great question. "Sounds like we both want to know things. How about we do a bit of a trade? I ask a question, you answer truthfully, then I'll answer a question of yours. How does that sound?"

I wondered if he read or watched "Silence of the Lambs." He almost sounded like Hannibal verbatim.

I didn't want to give into his terms. He just wanted to extend this conversation as long as possible. I predicted that he wouldn't answer any of the questions truthfully anyway. I was about to say no when Sasha butted in.

"Deal. What's your question?"

I tried to not let Manson know that I was annoyed with Sasha. She just made a wrong decision. But I wanted him to think that we were on the same page.

"Delightful," He turned to look at me and said, "What did your father do to you?"

"Nothing."

"Liar."

I didn't know how to reply. Manson was known for seeing through people. I wasn't into the idea of explaining something so personal to a known manipulator. But I also didn't see any other options. If I was the one that prevented this case to be solved, I'd be full of unhealthy regret.

I cleared my throat. "My father was rarely home. He didn't like the father or husband role. He paid little attention to me at all. But then I started… to look more womanly. He started to give me gifts and took me on outings. My father started to touch me. He... did it consecutively until I was fifteen. When I was fifteen, I fought back. He stopped coming to me. He stopped paying attention."

He didn't react to my story. It was as if he was unsurprised about the whole thing. Either he guessed what happened to me or he was used to these stories.

"And what did your mother do about it?" Manson asked.

I shook my head. "That's another question. You have to answer one of ours first." He nodded so that I could continue. "What did you mean from before when you said that whoever is committing these murders isn't copying you?"

He smiled eerily. "What I mean is that no one is copying what I did. No one could. There is only one me, Agent Prentiss. This new man, he isn't trying to be me. He's trying to finish what I started."

"He's trying to start a race war?" Sasha asked him.

Manson shook his head. "He's igniting Helter Skelter." He turned back to me. "What did your mother do?"

"She didn't do anything. She knew it was happening. And she did nothing," I admitted, trying to stay as calm as possible. I never told anyone that. And now Charles Manson knows.

"Charlie, do you know who is the new leader of this new Family?" Sasha asked him, trying to help get the attention off of me.

His eyes still stared into mine, even after Sasha asked her question. "Are you a homosexual because your father touched you?"

I felt bile rise up my throat. I almost wanted to leave the room at that moment. I was beyond uncomfortable and angry. Holding in my rage, I snarled, "Answer the question first, Manson."

He moved his head slightly so that his attention could be on Sasha. "You're protective of her. She isn't just a colleague, is she?" After Sasha glared at him, he answered, "I don't know his name. I don't know where he lives. I don't know who is apart of the Family. Every letter I got was signed by a different name."

I tried to not look disappointed. But, of course, I wasn't sure that he was telling the truth, but if he was, things weren't looking good.

He switched his attention back to me. "Have you slept with a man after you your father sodomized you?"

"Yes," I answered simply.

Sasha asked him, "Do you have letters that were sent to you?"

"I have a few," Manson murmured with an odd expression on his face. "But what will I get in return?"

"We both know there is nothing that I could offer you, Charlie," I explained, annoyed that I had to tell him that. "So what do you want?"

"I want…" Manson whispered as he stared into my eyes once again. "I want you to tell me about the last man you slept with. And no lying."

I was utterly ashamed about the last man I slept with. Sasha thought that the last man I slept with was John Cooley. If only that was the case.

"The last man I slept with wasn't a good man. He was violent and harsh." I ignored Sasha's looks beside me. I couldn't mention that he was assigned to me. That it was a job. That was too classified. That was too personal. I kept eye contact with the cult leader.

"And how long were you with him?"

I squirmed in my seat. I hoped that answering all these questions were going to be worth it. "I was with him for almost a year."

"Was it rough?" His smile made me shiver.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Yes."

"Did you like it?"

I blinked several times before responding. He smirked, seeming to know my answer before I spoke up. "No."

He seemed satisfied with my answer. "You'll get the letters before you leave. Guard, I'm ready."

The guard helped him up and walked him to the door. Before Manson left the room, he turned back, his eyes piercing into mine, and said, "You are only a reflection of  _me_ , as I am only a reflection of  _you_ , Emily."

I didn't have time to reply to him. He left before I had the chance to ask him how in hell he knew what my first name was.

I turned around to look at Sasha. She didn't look angry about what I had admitted to the murderer. She looked disappointed and upset.

"That man is my father," Sasha muttered under her breath. "He didn't look at me even twice."

I didn't know what to say to that. How could I apologize for him becoming interested in me? How could I apologize for what he did to me? I remained silent. There was nothing that I could say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me first say, I have never met Charles Manson. I have no idea if that would be how he would talk. I also don't know if he would be allowed to be interrogated. This is purely fictional.
> 
> Before any of you ask, the man Emily was referring to is Ian Doyle.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! Things are about to get a lot more crazy. The climax is coming up! Please review!


	14. head.cars.bending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And here's the climax of this story! Everything's happening! I'm so excited! I still don't own CM!

**JJ’s POV**

I opened the door to my apartment and was greeted by the smell of pizza. Somebody was obviously in my apartment. And just my luck, it was the last person I wanted to see.

"Hey, Chére," Will exclaimed as he met me at the door. "How was the case? You tired? I have a pizza in the oven."

He kissed me, but I moved away after a few seconds. This was the last thing I wanted to do right now with Emily alone in LA.

"I can't stay for long," I told him honestly. "I have to go to LA." I walked to my bedroom to find fresh clothes to put in my go bag. I was annoyed that Will followed me.

"When do you have to be there?" He asked, wrapping his arms around me after I put the clothes in the bag. "I did come all this way, after all."

"I didn't ask you to," I argued, not trying to be harsh, but also not wanting him to be around. "You decided to come here. If you asked me, I would have told you not to come."

"Because of the case, right?" Will asked, sounding hurt.

I sighed and sat down on my bed. He was giving me a headache. I couldn't comprehend how he couldn't see that I needed to be alone. "No, Will. You can't just show up here unannounced. I haven't had alone time in days."

He chuckled callously and said, "I don't understand you, JJ. When you come to visit me, you seem like you want to be with me. But when I come to see you, it's like you don't even like me."

I was glad that I wasn't facing him so that I could roll my eyes without him noticing. "That's ridiculous, Will," I replied, becoming more annoyed. "I'm exhausted. Of course, I like you. That's why we are together."

"But I don't know why you want us to be together! When we were in Miami, you seemed pretty sure of yourself when you broke up with me. And then you told me that you wanted to be with me. What changed between then that I could make permanent so that you always want to be with me?"

I bit my lip. I couldn't tell him the absolute truth of why I went back to him.

_Will walked away and I watched him slump his shoulders in defeat as he so. I didn't understand how I felt about that moment. I was disappointed, obviously. I spent a year with him. I was used to his unlimited source of comfort and stability. But I was also incredibly relieves that I didn’t have to continue to pretend. But there was also a touch of sadness. He offered normalcy. He was the kind of guy that I should have wanted. That my family would have wanted me to want._

_I felt Emily walk up next to me. Her presence sent shivers down my back but I had to remain still. The shivers brought what felt like a deep seeded desire. A desire for…_

_"You should go for him," Emily told me in an almost humorous way. As if what she had said had no meaning to it at all._

_My mouth went dry. I couldn't believe she was telling me to be with him. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to grab her hand, press her against the wall, and kiss her hard. But I couldn't. That wasn't something I should do._

_"What?"_

_She explained, "You'd make a cute couple."_

_I felt anger rise up inside of me. Emily was practically telling me to be with Will. And even if it made me almost cringe, I finally decided that I would listen to her. And everyone else around me. I would be with Will. He could give me a normal life. I could be happy_   _with him. At least, I could learn how to be happy with him._

_"You know what?" I walked away and ran to Will. I gave him some sappy, bullshit speech about me being afraid of things getting real. Something that would hopefully convince him that I was all in. An answer that would make him accept what I had done._

_He told me to shut up and he kissed me. It felt forced and rushed. Nothing like what I felt with Emily. It was nowhere close to as real as it was with Emily._

I was tired of pretending. I was tired of lying to him. Will might have not been a perfect man. He might have been pushy and somewhat of an ass, but he didn't deserve my lies. He didn't deserve my mixed signals.

"There's something wrong with me," I admitted in a quiet whisper. "I should want nothing more than to have a normal life with you. Marriage, kids, the whole deal. I should want that. And maybe a small part of me does. But I can't pretend that it is all that I want. It's not you, Will. There's something about me that just isn't right."

He blinked several times as he continued to stare at me. I don't know what I expected. Tears, screams, something more than silence.

"There's nothing wrong with you, JJ," He replied nonchalantly. "I know that you have tried. But I don't want to be with you if you don't want all of me, Jayje. I love you. But you don't love me."

"I'm sorry," I told him as my voice cracked.

"Don't say you're sorry, JJ. You shouldn't be. You can't help how you feel. Even if you have feelings for Agent Prentiss."

I gaped at him. "What?"

He smiled dourly. "I know. I've known since we first got together. I thought… I thought maybe that you would have thought that I was enough. But if she makes you happy…"

He knew I cheated on him. And he stayed. And that made me feel that much more guilty. He was yet another person who told me that I had feelings for Emily. A few weeks ago I would have said that they were crazy. But now… I wasn't so sure. Emily meant the world to me. But I thought that I was straight. All I knew was that I liked men. But Emily… there was something different about her. There was something different about us.

"I think I'm gonna go," Will said before he kissed my forehead. "I hope you find out what you want, JJ. You deserve to know what and who you want."

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

The ride back to the precinct was awkward, to say the least. We had the letters that were sent to Manson, so we should have been celebrating. But she would barely talk to me. I couldn't exactly tell why she was upset.

"Sash," I muttered, trying to ease the tension. "I'm sorry."

She sighed and shook her head. "Don't apologize, Em. We weren't together. You were allowed to date whoever you wanted to. Man or not."

Even though she told me not to apologize, I could tell she was angry about that. I wish I could explain to her that it wasn't my choice. That being with him was nothing more than a job.

"But that still wasn't a good time for you to find out," I argued. "I shouldn't have answered."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I have no right to be angry with you about that. You did what you did. Can't judge you for it."

I stared at her blankly. Her words made it seem like she was fine. But her tone… there was something off. Something I had never heard from her. As I looked at her, I noticed her eyes. Those dark eyes that could stare right through me. Manson's eyes. Something dawned on me.

"Sasha, how did he not know who you were?"

She looked at me briefly before looking back at the road. "What?"

"Manson is not an idiot. When we entered the room, he barely looked at you. He only looked at you when you asked him questions. Your eyes are obviously the same as his. He would have noticed."

She shook her head. "That's ridiculous. He was just more interested in you than me."

I considered her words, but my gut feeling said that she was wrong. "No, no. I don't think so. I'm telling you when we entered, he specifically didn't look at you."

I watched Sasha for a reaction. She remained silent and continued to watch the road. Which only made me that much more confused.

Finally, she turned to look at me. She looked emotionless.

"I'm sorry," She whispered with a slight unexplainable edge to her voice.

I quirked my eyebrow. I didn't know what she meant. "For wh-"

I was interrupted by the sound of cars screeching and the impact of another car into our own.

I tried to stay awake. I tried to open my eyes. But the darkness faded my vision. And I fell into the black unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our little JJ is starting to realize things! She's so clueless still and I love her.
> 
> I'm not going to say anything about Emily. You'll see what happens...
> 
> Thanks for reading! Continue reviewing! It means a lot!


	15. broken bottles form a star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm so evil about that cliffhanger, lol. This chapter is a little graphic at the end. Please, if you are uncomfortable or easy triggered by rape, please don't read the end of this chapter. This is one of the only scenes in this story that is graphic.

**JJ’s POV**

As we finally escaped the plane after yet another long flight, I watched as Hotch answered his phone and stayed behind as we all continued to walk. I paused too, seeing the concerned look in my boss' face.

Once I stopped, others turned and looked back as well.

"Who do you think bossman is talking to?" Derek asked as he walked next to me. "He looks upset."

The phone call wasn't long. Hotch hung up a few minutes after he answered. He noticed that we were all staring and so he hurried over to us. The always stoic looking man continued to appear upset. Which worried me as well.

"New plan, we aren't going to the precinct," Hotch said when he caught up with us. "Emily was taken."

"What?" I asked as we all tried to understand what he had possibly meant by his statement.

"I don't know all the details. Detective Tyburczy just called me and told me that someone crashed into them and took Prentiss while they were both unconscious. Tyburczy woke up and Prentiss was gone. We are going to the crash scene."

I looked around. Everyone else was just as stunned as I was. This was my fear. And like a nightmare, it was becoming true.

"Is the detective okay?" Rossi asked as we all almost ran to our vehicle.

"Only a concussion," Hotch explained. "We are going to meet her and her team there. But I don't know how much help she will be. She sounded hysterical. She doesn't know why she wasn't taken instead." I wanted to know the answer to that question as well. It wasn't Emily's case.

"Do we know for certain that this is connected to the case?" Spence asked.

"I'm not sure," Hotch answered. "But we have to consider it very carefully. This isn't just a coincidence."

I nodded. That was certain.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

I woke up with an extreme headache. I groaned as I tried to open my eyes. As my eyes started to flutter open, I remembered what had happened. I remembered that I was in an accident. So when I opened my eyes, I was horrified by the fact that I wasn't in a hospital. I was inside some… room.

I wasn't in chains. My clothes were still on. I didn't look like I was beaten other than the from the accident. I reached up and touched my head. I winced from the pain. I looked and saw the blood on my hands. I was obviously injured.

I tried to get up, but I immediately felt dizzy. My head pounded in pain. I felt nauseous. I felt broken.

Normally, my fight or flight instincts would have kicked in. Normally, I would be thriving on adrenaline, doing whatever I could to get out of this room that would be better described as a box. I had a feeling that the door was locked, and the walls were metallic. There was no way out. I knew I would have to wait for someone to come in. I had to wait for the new leader of the Family to come see me.

I attempted to try to open the door, but I could barely move. My head felt like it was being sliced open. I wondered if something was wrong with my brain. I realized that I could have been drugged. This wasn't how I ever thought I would react to this situation.

I laid down on the only piece of furniture in the room, the bed I woke up on. If I wanted any chance to fight, I needed some strength. And I needed to not be dizzy when I got up.

I couldn't help but close my eyes. Sleep overwhelmed me.

_"You're a very pretty girl, Emily," Daddy whispered as he climbed into my bed. "I'm going to be very jealous when all the boys want to be with you."_

_I looked up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. When daddy gave me all these compliments, I knew not to reply. He never wanted me to talk. I looked at the stars and curled my fingers around my bedspread so that it could tether me to the ground. I stared and stared, doing everything I could to stay quiet._

_I let my body feel numb to it all. If I didn't hear daddy moaning, I wouldn't have known he was doing anything at all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that didn't explain much! In the next few chapters, things will become clearer, I promise.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are super welcome! :)


	16. welcome home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Welcome back, everyone! I still don't own CM!

  **JJ’s POV**

I was horrified by the scene. It didn't seem like a coincidence that it was practically only on Emily's side where the damage was done. The whole passenger side was destroyed. It was the kind of crashes that you would find in car commercials where they show you the car where everyone died in, the car that they weren't selling, of course. As we walked closer to the car, I caught the sight of all the red. All the blood. An unbelievable amount.

"There are about 1.8 pints of blood around the car," Spence rambled anxiously as he walked around the car. "That would be about 33 percent of the total blood volume. Her blood pressure would have decreased as her heart rate would be increasing. She would have lost consciousness—"

"Reid…" Derek whispered as he grabbed the genius' arm, pulling him away from the car.

Spence tried to shake away from Derek's unrelenting hold. "She would have shallow breathing. If she woke up, she would be fatigued or... or weak…"

"Spencer," Derek said firmly. "We can't do this. We have to find her. Not focus on what could have happened to her."

I stared at the interaction not knowing how to help. Not knowing how to comfort. That was usually my job. Helping people feel better. But I couldn't help them. Fuck, I needed the help, myself.

"JJ," Hotch muttered as he stood next to me. "We  _will_  find her."

"I feel like there's nothing I can do. I can't profile and I can't be there for everyone and all I could think about is—"

"JJ, don't do this to yourself. We have to pretend like this is any other case. We are going to interview Tyburczy. She got some stitches and is now okay. Even though she has a concussion, she's not allowing any care from a hospital. She wants to talk to us. I want you to interview her with me."

Somehow Hotch understood that I needed to interview her. I still couldn't believe that they took Emily and not Sasha. It seemed too suspicious to me.

"Rossi, take Reid, Morgan, and Garcia to the precinct. We'll meet you there after we talk with the detective," Hotch directed at the rest of the team, giving them a job so they wouldn't have to look at the scene any longer.

Once the three of them left to go find Pen in the car, I turned to Hotch. It was obvious that he couldn't hold in his anger.

My attention turned to Tyburczy, who was stumbling to walk in our direction. She looked beaten up, furious.

"Hotch," I whispered, not sure that I should say it. "Hotch, why didn't they take her instead?"

"Either, the leader wasn't with them and they got their target wrong… Or, this could be a message for the detective. To stop working on the case, maybe. But Prentiss just got here. So I don't understand why she would be used as a bargaining chip for Tyburczy…"

Before she approached us, I lowered my voice, even more, telling him, even against my own judgment, "They were more than just friends."

He turned his head and stared at me. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed with me that I didn't tell him sooner. But I didn't want to betray Emily's trust. And now I have.

"Agent Hotchner, Agent Jareau," Sasha greeted as she walked up to us. "I'm so sorry. I can't believe—"

"Stop," Hotch interrupted. "There is no need for apologies. We all want to get her back. Are you well enough to answer our questions?"

"The doctors don't believe my concussion is too bad. I can answer your questions. I need to answer your questions. I need to do something."

I stared at her carefully. She obviously looked concerned and angry. But there was something off. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"Alright," Hotch said. "You were going back to the precinct? From where?"

"We had just spoken to Manson. He— he didn't know who the leader was. He didn't have any names. But he gave us the letters they sent him. But they're gone. They must have taken them when they crashed and took—"

Hotch nodded as if he understood. "Has anyone threatened you directly? Or Prentiss? Did Manson say anything to either of you?"

She shook her head. "No, nothing. Back at the precinct, we have Sandra Good in custody. She felt threatened by the cult. She came to us. But we haven't gotten any threats ourselves. Manson took a special interest in Emily. He forced her to answer his questions to give us information."

"Do you have a recording of your interrogation with Manson?" Hotch asked her.

Sasha bit her lip as if she was uncomfortable with answering. "Yes. I have it. But I'm not sure Emily would like you all to hear the answers she had to give him—"

"I'm sure Emily would prefer to be found if it meant that we had to hear answers to embarrassing questions. To be frank, Detective, we are probably going to have to ask a lot of questions that you aren't going to want to answer, but our goal is to find Emily. Not to keep things private."

Sasha nodded, but she looked reluctant. "Right. Of course. Let's go to the precinct. Everyone should hear."

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

I woke up with a ringing in my ears. I groaned and tried to feel my head wound. It was covered with a bandage of some sort. I opened my eyes. A woman was standing right next to me. Quickly, I jolted up and realized I was chained to the bed. My wrists were handcuffed to the frame. With my leg that was now bandaged (I only now realized I had cut the leg open), I kicked the woman against the wall. I noticed that I was being tugged by something in my arm. I was given blood.

When I was about to rip them out, the woman screamed, "Don't! The blood is saving your life."

I stopped and turned to her. She had her hands up and her eyes were widened. She looked scared. She definitely wasn't the leader.

"Where the fuck am I?" I asked the small woman. "What are you doing to me?"

The quaint woman replied, "They didn't mean to hurt you this bad. You lost a lot of blood. So we had to give you some. You looked really bad for quite some time. We saved your life."

I couldn't believe what she was saying. "I wouldn't have needed saving if you didn't fucking crash into me! Why haven't you killed me yet?"

"We don't want you dead," She told me. "No, no, no. Charlie doesn't want you dead. You're going to live with us. You're going to help us start Helter Skelter."

I almost laughed at the absurdity. "I will never help you. Where is Sasha? Did you take her, too?"

"She's safe. Just like you. Don't worry, Mary. You're safe here."

I snarled, "My name isn't Mary! My name is Emily! And get me the fuck out of here before my team comes and gets you all."

"Don't be silly," The woman replied, all cheerily again. Like she was some happy zombie. "They could never get you here. This is God's home, Mary. You're home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter bites the dust! Thanks for reading! Reviews are welcome!


	17. the truth never set me free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, guys. Things are gonna get intense. I hope you are ready! :)

**JJ’s POV**

"Agent Hotchner and Jareau, this is my team," Sasha introduced as she started pointing to her team of detectives in the precinct conference room. "Delmonico, Nunez, Olsen, and Wakowski. Normally, I'd give a more formal introduction, but we don't have time. I'm guessing they already introduced themselves," she said as she referred to Rossi, Spence, Derek, and Penelope.

The rest of our team turned to look at Hotch for some direction on how to continue.

He explained, "Detective Tyburczy has a recording of the Manson interrogation. Apparently, Manson took an interest with Prentiss."

As Sasha set up her audio recorder, everyone sat down in anticipation. I couldn't imagine what could have been said that Tyburczy didn't want people to know about Emily.

_"It's such a pleasure to sit down with you two beautiful ladies," Manson stated on the audio recording. "They wouldn't tell me why I have the honor to speak with you two."_

_"I'm Detective Tyburczy with the LAPD," Sasha replied. "This is Agent Prentiss with the FBI. We're trying to solve some murders. And we could use your assistance."_

_Manson laughed. "It's finally happening, isn't it?"_

_"Who?" Emily asked._

I felt my breath catch. I almost teared up on the spot. I wanted Emily in person and feared the worst about her status. I shook the dark thoughts out of my head.

After minutes of the recording, the interview ended with Manson.

_"You are only a reflection of me, as I am only a reflection of you, Emily."_

The audio recording stopped. There was a lot to take in. Emily gave up a lot to get Manson to answer questions. I wondered how much it hurt her to have gotten so personal with a serial killer and notorious manipulator.

"What does the last thing Manson said to Emily mean?" Derek asked the room, looking just as concerned as I felt.

I noticed Sasha open her mouth to answer, but she wasn't fast enough. Spencer already had an answer.

"One of Manson's famous quotes was, 'I am only a reflection of you.' He's basically describing how society created him. He believes that the world shouldn't blame him for committing the crime and should, literally, look in the mirror. He wanted to place the blame on others than himself," Spence informed us.

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with Emily?" I asked Spencer and everyone else.

This time, Sasha had the answer. "He was letting her know that they weren't so different. He was just trying to get in her head. He used her… father issues to try to get in. That was how he got a lot of his Family to join him. He broke the women down, giving them the love their fathers couldn't offer."

"She never said anything," Penelope whispered. We all turned to look at my best friend who was hiding behind computers. She had tears running down her cheeks. "She never told us about her father."

I tried to comfort her by saying, "She wouldn't want us to know, Pen. You know our Em. She wants us all to think she's the badass she is."

Penelope nodded and gave me a quick smile. I returned it. I forgot that others were hurting. I forgot that people needed her just as much as I did.

"Maybe they took her because she is like the other women," Rossi theorized. "If we are looking at Family members and their 'victimology,' she matches it perfectly. A higher class upbringing, abusive father…"

"But she's in her thirties," Derek argued. "She's not seventeen."

"Which still begs the question, why take her?" Hotch reminded us.

Spencer turned to Sasha. "Emily mentioned that you have been studying the Manson Family for years now. Why such an interest?"

Sasha blinked several times. I wondered if she was trying to come up with a lie. Eventually, she told us, "I knew someone that was a victim to Manson. I just wanted to know why he did it. So I tried to learn everything I could about him. I always thought this would happen. There were always people that wanted to be the next Jesus Christ. I expected that it would have happened sooner, actually. And then the DeCarlo’s. And the Flynn’s. And now Emily… This is my fault."

Her team made pitiful looks toward her. She obviously played her team well. Our team wasn't as easily convinced. But I was sure that the questioning was going to end for now. If she was lying, we'd want to catch her in one when her team wasn't around.

"So why take Prentiss?" Derek asked, bringing up the question once again. "Was it because they wanted to take someone who fit the victimology or to get to you?"

Sasha looked horrified. "You think that she was taken because of me? So I'd stop investigating or something?"

"I'm not sure," Derek muttered. "Was Manson right? Is there something more between you and Emily? Have you been working on this a lot longer than we thought?"

Sasha shook her head. "No. No, Em and I aren't together. We hadn't seen or talked to each other years before I showed up at her apartment. I introduced her the case at the same time I introduced you all to it. Emily and I… we were together a long time ago. In college. We were together for a little more than three years."

"You haven't been in contact for years?" Rossi asked. "That sounds like a bad break up. So why was she so willing to help you?"

Sasha sighed as if she was tired and ashamed by the interrogation. "We did have a bad breakup. The last couple weeks of our relationship weren't perfect or healthy. But you have to understand, Emily and I weren't just a cute little romance. We lived together. We— we might have had a bad breakup, but we still meant the world to each other."

"How?" I asked, the word falling out of my mouth before I could stop it.

She snapped her head to look at me. "Because when we ended, we weren't just ending a relationship. We were ending an engagement. Emily and I were planning on getting married."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that you guys want some answers about Emily, but you're just going to have to be patient! Don't worry, the next chapter will focus on Emily.
> 
> How's the team gonna handle that bombshell that Sasha ever so subtly just dropped?
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Reviews are super welcome!


	18. must get out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! More story! Woohoo!

**Emily’s POV**

"When can I meet him?" I asked the woman that cleaned the blood off my skin. My vision was becoming clearer, the ringing was diminishing, and my head ached less. For a crazy cult member, she was a good caretaker. "Charlie, when can I meet him?"

"Don't worry, Mary," She whispered gently. "You'll meet Charlie in due time. But Charlie won't be home for a while. Charlie's got things to do."

I hid an eye roll. I hated being called a different name. I thought I was done with that shit after getting out of Interpol. After being done with going undercover. I put on a fake smile. Fake it til you make it in crazy town. Besides, if I played submissive, I hoped she would let me out of this box.

"What's your name?" I asked her, trying to sound polite. I wanted her to trust me. I wanted to use her eventually.

"My name's Sadie," She told me. "Don't you want me to help you get changed? Get out of this bloody clothing. We have clothes in your size. But of course, we share clothes here."

Sadie.  _As in Sadie Mae Glutz._  The real Sadie from the original Family, her real name was Susan Atkins. The ruthless killer for Charles Manson. Only, the girl in front of me obviously wasn't Susan Atkins (who was in prison). And then the name 'Mary' made sense. Manson's first girl in the Family had the name, Mary Brunner. Everything was coming together in my mind. This wasn't just a reincarnation for Charlie. This was a reincarnation for everyone. And for some twisted reason, they thought I was Mary Brunner.

"I'd like some new clothes," I told her in a very light voice, hoping she wouldn't see through my lies. I was hoping that she'd take these chains off of me so I could change.

She smiled at me as a kid would. Like Susan Atkins did on trial when the prosecution talked about how she stabbed Sharon Tate and her unborn child.

"Perfect!" She squealed and clapped her hands. "I'll get Katie to get some clothes for you. I'll be back in one second. Is there anything else you could need? Food? Water?"

I put on a sweet little smile, knowing that what I was going to ask was going to be a long shot. "Can I get my phone? I'd like to call my family and tell them I won't be going home. I'm with my new Family now."

She frowned and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Mary. We don't have any phones here on the ranch. And Charlie wouldn't allow it. Anything else?"

"No, but Sadie? Where are we exactly? Are we on a ranch?"

She laughed. "Don't worry, Mary. No one can get you here. We're in the middle of nowhere. Charlie knew the exact place where we wouldn't get caught. Charlie keeps us safe here. Charlie will keep you safe."

"Safe from what, Sadie? Helter Skelter? The war?"

She shook her head. "The only war is inside our heads, Mary. Helter Skelter is coming. We will rise and we will fly. When we kill all of our demons inside our heads."

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

When the bomb dropped about the engagement, I thought all of us were wondering how well we really knew Emily. She did tell me about her father, but that was when she was drunk. But she kept a lot of her life a secret. I wasn't angry like everyone else was. Instead, I felt pity for the missing brunette. I wondered how alone she must have felt with all of those secrets that she thought she had to keep.

Olsen was keeping Spence busy by showing him all the locations of the murders. He was going from the geographical profile to trying to understand the words written in blood in the latest crime scene. Wakowski was showing Derek all the pictures of the bodies and gave him all the details from the crime scenes. Nunez presented Rossi all the information they had gathered about the victims.

Tyburczy, Delmonico, Hotch, and I discussed theories. Everything seemed to take forever. I wanted to do something else to help her. It felt pointless just sitting around trying to come up with answers we had no way to prove or disprove.

We needed Emily. Without her, it felt incomplete. Like we couldn't put the pieces together.

Apparently, there were references of a cult around town. There were whispers about teenagers and people in their twenties that disappeared, leaving homes behind stating they were going to live with a new Family. But there were no names of places, leaders, or anything that could help us find Emily. The parents of all these people didn't seem to care enough to find their children. This was probably now apart of the new victimology. Kids who didn't have parents that cared. Emily fit that perfectly.

"Okay," Derek commented loudly, causing all of us to turn to him. "There must be a lot of people in this Family. Which means a lot of mouths to feed. A lot of weapons to buy. A big place to live in. Maybe we have to find the money trail."

Finally, something that we could actually work on.

"Baby girl-" Morgan started.

"Already on it, Chocolate Thunder," Penelope interrupted as she started typing away. "Give me some time. This might take a while."

We all nodded. At least it was something. A little hope.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

I was wrong. 'Sadie' must have been more intuitive than I thought. She wouldn't take off my chains so that I could put my clothes on. She took my shirt, bra, and pants off and put on this flowing dress over me. It was awkward, to say the least.

"You'll get used to it," Sadie told me. "We all help each other get changed here. Some days we don't wear clothes at all. It's all natural."

I hid another eye roll. There was no way this cult was natural at all. I hoped that I could find a way out or that the team could find me before I had to experience seeing all of these people nude.

"When do I get to talk to Charlie?" I asked her again, trying to sound excited rather than angry.

"Soon, I promise. You'll get to see Charlie. And everything will make sense. It's an out of body experience, I tell you. When you meet Charlie for the first time. It's like the world stops moving and everything makes sense. But don't worry," she explained. "Leslie's coming. Tex got a good supply."

I understood the names (two original Manson Family members and killers) but I didn't understand what she meant by 'supply.'

"Supply of what?"

Sadie grinned like a child who finally got a piece of candy. "It'll be the best trip of your life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get very intense very quickly. For all of you good people out there not knowing the drug lingo, 'trip' refers to a drug trip (AKA experience/hallucination). It's about to get crazy.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are super awesome!


	19. i remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm going to apologize ahead. I'm sorry. This isn't a very happy chapter. And it's longer than the others. But it's super good so read it! Please read my endnotes! They are really important!

**JJ’s POV**

We crowded around Pen's desk as she showed us what she had found. "Introducing: Brett Davis. He's twenty-three. His family had enough wealth to keep the young boy out of trouble. Accused of rape, twice, both accusations dropped. He was also transferred from private school to private school. He went to Berkeley but dropped out after a semester. Then, he went radio silent. He was busted for drugs twice before going off the grid. Until last month. He got a credit card— I think his parents have been giving him money— and he's been buying all the things you guys mentioned."

"Sounds a lot like Tex Watson. Similar upbringing and all of that," Sasha murmured as if she was thinking very carefully about what she was saying.

"He does sound quite suspicious," Hotch agreed. "Does he have a known address?"

Penelope shook her head. "Sorry, bossman. But I can tell you all the stores he has gone to if that would help."

"Maybe the store owners would remember him with being someone?" Derek theorized. "If there are a bunch girls hanging around him, it'll be memorable."

Hotch nodded in agreement. "It's worth a shot. You and Rossi want to check it out? Reid, continue what you were doing."

"Wakowski, Olsen," Sasha directed. "Go with them. Help them out."

The two detectives nodded and followed Rossi and Derek out the precinct.

"I want to talk to people again. There has got to be people who have heard of them. If they are in the drug scene, somebody has to remember selling a cult drugs. A cult like this one can't be invisible. They have to attract their members somehow," Hotch told us, sounding beyond frustrated.

"That sounds like a good idea," Sasha agreed. "I'll go with. Delmonico, you want to join?"

"Of course, Ty," Delmonico said, following her orders exactly.

I couldn't exactly tell why everyone followed her like puppy dogs. She wasn't the captain or sergeant and yet… her team seemed to treat her like the boss.

I didn't trust her. That was what my gut was telling me. I wanted Emily. I wanted to bounce my thoughts off of her. She knew so much. She always had theories, even if they were ones she kept to her—  _her notebook!_  I only just remembered that Emily kept a secret notebook inside her go bag. She told me just in case she was either taken or killed by an UnSub. It was supposed to be a security precaution. I thought she was just paranoid. Now, now I understood why she did it.

"I'll join you guys," I commanded loudly. "But I'd like to make a stop along the way."

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

"Mary," Sadie said as she opened the door. "This is Leslie," She introduced as the skinny, tall woman entered the room.

"Hi, Mary," The woman greeted as she opened a briefcase. It seemed odd that someone in the Family would have something so formal. But then again, there weren't papers in the briefcase. Inside the briefcase was a couple of vials. Definitely not good.

I squirmed even though I knew that I couldn't get out. She used the syringe to get the substance into it. She then turned to me.

"What is it?" I asked. "I don't want it."

"You need it, Mary," Sadie told me. "It's the first step. Charlie made sure all of us got it. It brings back all the memories we tried to forget. And then Charlie helps us destroy them. Now, they aren't even in our minds."

I knew at that moment that this Family was much more advanced than the original Family. Manson used LSD and sex to manipulate his followers. Now modern science could help the job go faster.

"I don't want to remember!" I shouted, cowering away as Leslie brought the syringe close to my veins.

"I'm sorry," Sadie said with a frown. "But it has to be done. For Charlie. For you. Go ahead, Les."

I let out a scream of pain as Leslie injected me with whatever was in that syringe. I felt the room start to spin immediately. Then it became dark. And everything came at once.

* * *

_"Emily Elizabeth Prentiss!" Mother shouted as she opened my door. I groaned. I was not willing to get up this morning. I could barely move. "It's almost 9 AM. Why are you still in bed, young lady?"_

_I pulled the sheets over my head. I tried to roll over, but I was too sore. "Because I'm tired. Leave me alone."_

_"I'm your mother, Emily. You aren't allowed to speak to me like that. You're only thirteen. Barely a young woman. Now get out of that bed before I make you."_

_Part of me wanted to get out. But I couldn't. Physically, my body was incredibly strained. Everything hurt._

_Mother harrumphed and suddenly dragged the sheets off my body._

_My eyes were still closed. I knew she saw it. The bruises scattered against my thighs. The blood on the blankets. The used condom on my sheets. The absolute mess._

_"Who?"_

_"Who what?" I asked, just wanting her to leave._

_"Who did you have sex with?" When I didn't reply, she added, "What if someone found out? That my daughter is having sex at this age. You're a disappointment."_

_Anger boiled me over and I screamed out, "Daddy!"_

_"What?"_

_"It was Daddy."_

_I didn't see her reaction. I couldn't._

_"Being a whore at your age is bad enough, Emily. Don't put blame on your father. Clean up. Your tutor will be here in an hour."_

* * *

_John passed me the joint he was smoking._

_We sat on a bench and looked at the people that passed by. Sometimes we would watch people go by and try to figure out what they were talking about. Other times we would cynically talk about how all the happy people were lying to themselves. It all depended on the drugs we were using, really._

_Tonight was different. Johnny had tried to strike up_   _a conversation, but I was a pure ball of stress. There was something I had to tell him. Even though a huge part of me didn't want to._

_"What's wrong, Em?" John asked as he put his hand on my upper thigh._

_I groaned. His actions like that were what got us in this problem in the first place. "There's something I need to tell you. You aren't gonna like it."_

_John made a sour face. "You got an STD or something?"_

_"No…"_

_"You wanna stop having sex…?"_

_"No—"_

_"Giving up on drugs?"_

_"N—"_

_"You seeing Matth—"_

_"John!" I yelled so I could get his attention. He stared at me with this blank look. I wondered if telling him when he was high was such a good idea. I took a deep breath and whispered, "I'm pregnant."_

_He continued to stare as if nothing happened. "B-but the condoms…"_

_"Must've ripped or something…" I told him. "But it doesn't matter. Either_   _way, I'm pregnant and my parents are going to kill me."_

_He shook his head in disbelief. "I'm sixteen, Emily. Sixteen. I can't be a father. I can't play that role for you. I won't do it. You aren't thinking of keeping it are you?"_

Maybe. _"No."_

_"Good. Good. I gotta go. But, uh, I guess I'll see you around," Without saying anything else, he got up and left._

_Suddenly everything was cold. I curled up into a ball and wrapped my jacket around my knees. I started to cry for the first time in years._

* * *

_Sasha had her whole body wrapped around mine. We kissed and cuddled and had sex. Saturday mornings with my now 'Fiancee' were the best. In her arms, she could make me feel so safe. So special. So loved._

_And then, my phone rang. I ignored it, but it rang again, and again, and again._

_Eventually, Sasha said, "Just go get it, Em. This person won't stop calling."_

_Groaning angrily, I answered the phone with an aggressive, "What," without looking at who was calling._

_"Emily, hello to you, too."_

_I facepalmed. I couldn't believe it was my mother interrupting my perfectly good morning._

_"Hello, mother. What can I do for you?"_

_"Darling, you need to come home."_

_I scoffed. "Home? Why?"_

_She paused before responding. "Because your father just had a heart attack. I don't know if he's going to make it."_

_I dropped the phone on the floor, feeling overwhelming emotions. Anger, sadness, and deep down, relief._

_"Baby, what is it?" Sasha asked, grabbing my hand to get me to look at her._

_I stared into her dark eyes and said, "My dad had a heart attack. He might not make it. My mom wants me to go home. Or— Belgium I guess."_

_"I'm so sorry, Emmy. I can help you get your stuff together—"_

_"No," I interrupted firmly. I took a deep breath in. I pushed all the memories to the back of my mind. All feelings. Everything. Everything I have felt for the past decade. Including my feelings for Sasha. I didn't want to feel anything at all. "No… I don't need your help."_

* * *

_I couldn't believe I told JJ about my father on one night of drunken confessions. I didn't tell anyone. Not since Sasha or Matthew, the only two people I could trust with my feelings._

_She held me the whole night. She held me even as I was shaking. Even as I cried and screamed and told her about my demons. She stayed. She didn't run or hide. I thought that anyone else would have (besides Sasha and Matthew, of course)._

_JJ reminded me that I wasn't the only damaged one. Her sister had committed suicide. And it fucked her up, rightfully so. I wondered if she wanted me to help fix her as well._

_She might have been straight, and she might have been with Will, but a part of me thought that JJ had the ability to love me. Because only love could make a person stay through all of that. That was the exact moment I realized I wanted JJ to want me. Because I wanted her. All of her._

_But I was weak. And scared. And deathly afraid of Jennifer Jareau. So when she woke up, I pretended like I didn't know why she was in my bed or what I said throughout the night. I pretended like I didn't fall in love with her. I pretended like it was funny. Two girls who occasionally had casual sex woke up from being drunk and weren't naked. Fucking hilarious._

* * *

_Somedays at school were easier than others. Some kids were nicer than others. The best days were the ones no one said a word to me. I could fade into the walls like I wasn't even there. Other days were harder. The ones where I was pushed against the wall or was the schoolwide punching bag. There were places I was known for being a slut. In others, I wasn't known for being anything at all. I was simply not known._

_Italy had been the one place where I thought that I could finally fit in. Matthew took me in and made me feel special. John made me feel free and taught me how to be reckless. Everything was better. For awhile._

_But I was a pro at ruining things. I thought having sex with John would make him want to be around me more. Getting pregnant definitely wasn't a plan of mine. Having the abortion, that was my only choice._

_Matthew tried to make things easier for me. He held my hand and told me how much he loved me. He said I was strong, but I didn't believe him. I was ruining his life, for god's sake._

_A week after the abortion, I begged my mom to take us somewhere else. For the first time in my life, my mother agreed. She told me that she didn't like Italy. So, we left. I snuck into Matthew's room for one last time and left him a note. I was a coward, but I couldn't do it any other way. I took too much of his life already._

_Ireland was just like any of the other places we had already lived. I had become so tired of it. So exhausted and ashamed. Everything felt worthless and empty. There was no reason for me to keep going._

_Depression pulled me under. I was arguably depressed my whole life, but this was something different. Something darker and scarier. I buried myself into a hole and I couldn't even see the light._

_The pills were an easy way out. And I took it, hoping that I could succeed._

_I didn't. I woke up and saw my mother's assistant. She told me that my mother was busy. She apologized profusely for my mother's absence, but I didn't mind at the time._

_I didn't try it again. My mother had security on me at all times. I thought that was how she dealt with it. She didn't try to talk to me. She made sure I didn't do it again. That was her way of caring._

* * *

_Sometimes at night, I'd hold onto the good things about Ian Doyle. The list was short. But no one could deny his protectiveness, his security, his unwavering pride, and his fearlessness. Sometimes I wanted to remember the way he held me all night_   _long as if he claimed me._

_Possessiveness. Jealousy. Rage. Greed. Hunger for power. Those were the things I tried to shake out of my mind. I didn't want to remember how I had to walk on eggshells. Or how I had to hold my tongue. Or how I had to hold Declan close to me when his dad got too drunk. Or how he hit me and then fucked me and how I couldn't say 'no.'_

_I wanted to regret everything about him. Everything that Lauren Reynolds did. But even I couldn't deny, sometimes in the middle of the night, I missed her. I missed Lauren Reynolds. I missed the way I was held by Ian Doyle. Because even if I didn't love him… even if I hated everything about him, for a second, I felt loved._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are just a few things I want to say about this chapter.
> 
> 1\. The drug that Emily was on I made up. In the story, it is technically 'experimental.' I have no idea if this kind of drug would exist at all. It is specifically used for Manson, however, to control his followers. The drug is given as like the first stage to break every down. These memories or dark thoughts are what Emily tries to push back. The drugs brought them back forward and replayed in her head.
> 
> 2\. Ian Doyle is referenced, but do not fear. He is not in the story at all. He is merely referenced because he is important in Emily's past.
> 
> 3\. I know that Emily's notebook is too good to be true, but please let's just pretend. Emily is paranoid like I'm actually kinda sure she would do this.
> 
> And overall, if you're still reading this, thank you so much! Things are looking quite dark right now, but things will get better. I promise. And Jemily is coming. Reviews are super welcomed! I love em!


	20. all comes down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hope you guys are okay after that last chapter, lol. Anyway, hope you enjoy! I still don't own CM.

**JJ’s POV**

"I still don't understand why you want to see Emily's things," Sasha commented as she unlocked the door to her apartment. "I gave you her work bag. She didn't have any files or anything with her in here…"

"I understand," I told her, annoyed that she was interrogating me about this. "I just want to see her things."

As we entered the apartment, I saw Hotch giving me a confused look. I couldn't tell him why I needed to see her things. Sasha was right here. And I could not trust her. Not yet, anyway.

"It's the last room on the right," Sasha told me.

The apartment was much like Emily's. There wasn't too much character or personality. It was scary how similar they were. I walked into the bedroom and found the duffel bag on the floor.

I tried to remember where the notebook was. I opened the bag and found the hidden pocket. I sighed from relief.

I heard a knock on the door and turned around to find Hotch standing there.

"What is that?"

I gave him a short smile. "It's Emily's notebook. She puts all of her thoughts in this thing. She uh— she told me that if something ever happened to her…" I lowered my voice. "I need to find out if she had any doubts about  _her,_  too."

He nodded as if he understood what I wasn't saying. "JJ, I've worked with you long enough to know that your hunches shouldn't be ignored. You need to read it. When we go to the first stop, I want you to stay in the car so that you can read without… anyone else knowing. Do not tell her about this."

I nodded, feeling relieved that he believed me. That I wasn't alone. I wondered if that was the opposite of how Emily felt when we decided not to help her.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

It was like all the boxes that were stored in my brain suddenly opened. Every memory felt fresh and new. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want any of it.

"How do you feel, Mary?" Sadie asked as I felt her take my hand and squeeze it. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head over and over and over and over again. I didn't think I could be okay ever again. Not after that.

"It's okay. Charlie will be here soon. Charlie will help you get better. In no time at all, you won't remember a thing. You'll be reborn. And Charlie will raise you. And everything will be better again."

Tears bubbled up in my eyes. "So, what? Break me down so Charlie can build me back up in his own vision?"

Sadie shook her head. "No, Mary. Charlie will kill all your demons. Charlie will set you free. Charlie is going to save you."

"How do you know I need saving? How does Charlie know?" I asked her, trying to understand why I was in this position in the first place.

She simply smiled. "Charlie's been talking about you forever, Mary. Charlie's been wanting to save you for years."

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

Hotch, Delmonico, and Sasha finally left the car. I gave some BS lie that I felt nauseous. I didn't know if Sasha believed it, but she certainly didn't question me.

I pulled out the notebook from inside of my jacket and found the last page that Em wrote on.

_"Something's bothering me about this case. DeCarlo and the Flynn family should not have been easy for an UnSub, or a cult, to find. I find it hard to believe that this new leader is smart enough to find out these things. Manson definitely wasn't. That isn't to say he wasn't intelligent. He was. But he killed randomly. This seems like vengeance. And I have no clue who would want to kill for Manson._

_As close as the murders are to the Tate-LaBianca killings, there is something professional about these new murders. Like there is a certain amount of knowledge that the new Family has about law enforcement. I wonder if they have a connection to the police. Maybe a member was a police officer._

_Sasha's been acting strangely. Of course, I believed her when she said that there was a new Family… but something isn't right. She's different than last time I was with her. She doesn't even seem angry about how things ended. It was like she didn't want to even think about it. And she was always the one that wanted to talk things through._

_It's almost like she's turning all of her emotions off when it comes to Manson. Even I don't know how she's doing it. I understand before when she wanted to learn about Manson. But there's a difference between learning about your father and investigating him._

_I'm going to keep watching her. She seems so… distant from everything. I'm not saying that she's apart of anything… but something isn't right."_

I re-read it, just to make sure I understood her correctly. Sasha was Manson's daughter and she didn't even say anything about it.

I pulled out my phone and dialed Garcia's number.

_"Quantico's Oracle, how can I help you?"_

"Garcia, it's JJ. Look, can you connect me with Derek as well? I need to tell you guys something. But in private. We cannot let anyone from LAPD hear us."

_"Sure thing, sweetness. I'll add him."_

Derek picked up.  _"Hello, baby girl. How can I-"_

"Derek, listen closely and listen quietly. We cannot let anyone from the LAPD hear us. I found Emily's notebook. She told me about it a while ago and anyway. There's something you guys should know. Sasha is Charles Manson's daughter."

_"Oh my god,"_  Penelope murmured.

"Look, I don't have much time. She's going to come back. But you guys need to let the others know. Secretively. If Sasha is helping the Family, we can't let her know we are on to her. Or the others. They are freakishly loyal to her and see her as a boss. PG, I need you to dig into her backstory. And look at her financials. We need to know everything about her. I hope that she isn't apart of this… but it would explain why she wasn't taken. Maybe Emily found out too much…" I saw Hotch, Delmonico, and Sasha come toward the car and I finished the conversation. "They're coming. I have to go. Stay safe and keep this between us. I'll try to tell Hotch."

I hung up and put the recorder into my pocket. I closed my eyes and pretended like I was trying to rest.

Sasha opened the door and said, "Strikeout. Nothing. You okay, Agent Jareau?"

I nodded and pretended to act normal. "Yeah. Just worried about Emily."

She made some twisted face I couldn't depict and replied, "I'm sure you are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JJ is so brilliant and I love it. She's really the boss in this case. She's so intuitive, especially when it comes to Emily.
> 
> Thanks, guys! Only 14 more chapters to go!


	21. the devil you know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! I still don't own Criminal Minds! This chapter's wacked and I love it.

Delmonico groaned as he, Hotch, and Sasha closed the doors of the car and sat down.

"These people don't know anything. Why do we keep bothering?" He slammed his seatbelt into the lock. "Where to next?"

I felt unsettled. I didn't have time to talk to Hotch alone and the others wouldn't leave us alone. I needed to tell him about Sasha. I needed to not feel so… uneasy. Like everything was on my shoulders. Like Emily's fate rested on me.

I was done with this shit. Before Sasha started to drive, I said, "Can you both let me talk to my boss alone for a second?"

"We only have a few more places-"

I interrupted with the first lie that popped into my head. "I'm pregnant."

I regretted saying it the second it came out of my mouth. But it worked. Nothing like a statement like that to make everyone feel awkward and go silent. Sasha and Delmonico quickly exited the vehicle giving us some room.

Hotch stared at me, and I realized he didn't know that I was lying. It must have been more believable than I had thought. Which was a good thing, I guess?

I rolled my eyes at him. "Hotch, do you really think I'm pregnant? I had to get them to leave," I whispered, leaning in closer to him. "I read Em's notebook. She didn't say much except for the fact that she did say that Sasha is Manson's daughter. I already called the others. I think something's going on with her. I just don't know what."

"You think that she's got a part in this?" His voice was full of doubt and uncertainty.

I shrugged, not knowing how to answer his question. My gut said yes, but I didn't have any proof. "I think she knows more than she's letting on. Besides, even Em said something wasn't right about her. What if she is apart of this? What if Emily found out and Sasha made the accident happen."

Hotch nodded slightly. "We have to tread lightly, JJ. Her team is loyal to her. We need hard evidence of this. But if she is apart of the Family, then she might keep Emily alive long enough for us to find her. That's the positive. She might be the one keeping her alive for all that we know."

He wanted that to comfort me, but it only made me feel more on edge. I looked away from him and out the window. I had so many bad feelings about all of this.

"I have this bad feeling, Hotch. When she left without us, I felt weird, too. But now… I feel like this is my fault. I know I couldn't have done anything different…"

"I know," Hotch replied, agreeing with me in a dark tone. "But we can't do this to ourselves. Prentiss is strong. She'll get through this."

I nodded, but I wasn't feeling any better. Emily was always the one that helped me calm down and see things from a more optimistic perspective. She helped me feel secure and safe.

And at that moment, that very small moment, I realized I needed _her_. I needed her to not just be alive, but for her to be safe in _my_ arms. In fact, I came to the conclusion that I _wanted_ her. Not her body, which was all that I had used her for. But now I realized that I wanted her love. I wanted everything.

The driver side door opened and Sasha said, "You all okay? Can we come back in?"

"Of course!" I said, trying to turn off everything I had just felt. "Let's continue this."

The two of them sat back down in the car.

Sasha said, "Nicky and I were talking. It's already ten. Businesses won't be open and we are getting tired. We won't be able to help Emily if we are all exhausted. Maybe we should get a few hours of sleep and start fresh tomorrow. So everything is clearer."

Normally I would have argued. Hotch too. But now we were starting to wonder if she really wanted us to find her. Anyone who wanted to find someone wouldn't spend time resting. It's definitely not what I would do.

And it wasn't what Hotch and I were going to do. We needed to talk to the others. In a silent agreement, Hotch and I knew that when we got to the hotel, we weren't going to sleep. Instead, we would come up with a strategy and plan. To save Emily.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

Sadie finally gave me some time to be alone. I didn't know how long she had left me, but I was grateful for the silence. To get my mind off of the memories that had resurfaced, I tried to piece together the case that led me to this position. I tried to come up with a list of all the people I was close enough in my past to want to save me. But I couldn't come up with any names. I wasn't the type of person to let others in long enough for them to know that I needed saving.

And just my luck, the door opened again, with Sadie entering. She had a wide grin on her face. She looked like a kid who just ate ice cream for the first time. I wondered if she even realized that keeping me here was a crime.

"Mary! Charlie's coming! I just got the call. Charlie's going to see you and everything will be better."

I hid my disappointment. I tried to pretend like I wanted to see the man who got me in this position.

"When's he going to be here?" I asked her, trying to figure out how much time I had.

Her eyes widened, reminding me of a doe, and she replied, "Oh, soon, I would say. Charlie doesn't call unless she's close."

_She_? I had always thought that Charlie was male. A copy of Charles Manson. I didn't even think about the option—

Before I had time to comprehend everything, the door opened. A voice called out, "Sadie, you must leave us now."

She entered the room. Sasha's dark eyes, Manson's eyes, were staring into my own. I was utterly speechless. And nauseous.

"Yes, of course, Charlie," Sadie said, bowing her head slightly before she left the room.

I felt a level of unquestionable and unfathomable betrayal. She sat down on my bed and I did my best to flinch away. But I was still in chains. Physically and emotionally. I had trusted Sasha more than anyone. She loved me, and now I was her prisoner. And everything hurt that much more inside.

"I know you have questions," She whispered as if she had sympathy for me. Her eyes looked sad as if she felt pity. "I didn't want to do it like this. I wanted you to come consensually. But you just had to call your team. And you started to doubt me. So I had to get you out."

"I don't need saving," I seethed out of my teeth. I was beyond angry. "You've lied to me. You— You have killed people, Sash. You've done what you were disgusted by. You have become your father."

Her caring nature turned off like a switch. She let out a short growl of disagreement. "I am nothing like him, Emmy! I'm saving these people! They were hurting so much, and I found a way to end their pain. Like I did when we were together."

I couldn't prevent her from putting her hand on mine. I glared at her. "You didn't end my pain. I left you!"

She shook her head. "You proposed to me. Don't you remember that?"

_We watched a student being rolled out of the science building in a body bag. We thought that the rumors had to be false. But they weren't. A freshman had a seizure and died in the middle of a chemistry class. And time just went on as if nothing happened._

_I always knew life was fleeting. I wasn't ignorant. People died_   _every day. And that was fucking scary on many levels._

_Sasha squeezed my hand as she rested her head on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. "You okay, Emmy?"_

_An answer didn’t reach my mouth. I wondered what my life would have been like without my girlfriend. The one steady thing in my life that kept me sane. The one person who could love me unconditionally._

_I moved so that I faced her. She looked confused and startled. I wondered if I had a crazy look on my face._

_"Marry me," I said softly and kissed her knuckles that my hand was holding._

_"What?" She asked, her dark eyes all wide._

_I smiled at her. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want to spend my life without you. I want you to be my wife."_

_"We can't—"_

_"It doesn't matter," I told her simply. "It doesn't matter." I got down on one knee and she gasped softly. "Sasha Tyburczy, I am crazy in love with you. You have made me a better person. Jesus, you have saved me from myself. You have taught me how to love. And all I want to do is to be your wife. Please, let me be your wife. Will you marry me?"_

_She chuckled, shook her head with disbelief and murmured, "This is insane." Tears fell down her cheeks and she answered, "Yes, Emily Elizabeth Prentiss. I'm going to marry the hell out of you."_

I shook my head at the memory. "You didn't save me, Sash. I thought you did. I thought that you made me better. I didn't realize until now, that it wasn't you that saved me. It was you loving me that saved me. Having a family made me emotionally stable. I have that now without you."

She scoffed, "What, with the blonde? Jareau doesn't even see you."

"Not just JJ," I told her, trying to explain honestly. "The BAU. They are my family. They save me every day. There's nothing you can do. Even if JJ can't be with me. She's my family."

Full of fury, Sasha shouted, "She's pregnant, Emily! She just told your boss. She never wanted you! She just used you because that's what people do. Like your father and John and everyone else that you thought could love you. But they didn't. No one loves you. Not like I do."

I didn't know if I could believe her about JJ. She looked like she was telling the truth. But I couldn't be sure. I tried to push the possibility out of my head.

Trying to act like those words weren't rapidly repeating in my head, I changed the subject by asking her, "Charlie? That's not your name. And my name isn't Mary."

She simply smiled at me again as if nothing had happened between us. Like we were together again. "My real name is Charlotte. My mom called me Charlie when I was a kid. Just like my father. My middle name is Sasha. She eventually changed it. So that no one could guess."

I couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth. Even her name was a lie. "And why am I, Mary?"

She quirked her head on a side. "Because you were my first follower. The first person I saved. Just like my father first saved Mary Brunner. She was the first member of his Family. You were my first, Mary."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH so now you guys know? Did any of you guess it? She's so bad, I love it.
> 
> I know you are all probably like 'wtf, JJ? Why did you say that?' Well, let me tell you. She's awkward AF and she literally said the most embarrassing thing she could think of to get the others to leave.
> 
> BTW, I love the like sixth sense JJ has for Emily. Just sayin.
> 
> Thanks for reading, peeps! Hope you liked the chapter! Review if you can!


	22. love is a losing game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yay! You All seemed to like last chapter's twist! Things are about to get real. But I still don't own CM. :(

**JJ’s POV**

"Her real name is Charlotte," Pen explained to all of us once we had settled in Hotch's hotel room. "Her middle name was Sasha. She changed it when she was in High School."

"Charlotte," I whispered, letting the name settle on my tongue. "Like Charles."

Derek looked furious. "Wanna bet they both even went by Charlie? She's trying to be like daddy—"

"Morgan," Hotch interrupted sternly. "We aren't even sure that she has anything to do with this. We need more evidence. Does she have any strange expenses?" He asked Penelope.

"No! Em's ex is almost as ghostly, cheap, and bland as Em is herself. They actually have very similar expenses and tastes. They don't buy what they don't need. She doesn't have any purchases that seem like would be for a whole… community full of people." She pauses for a second as I could hear as she typed more into her laptop. "This is strange…"

"What is it?" Rossi asked as we all tried to look at the small screen.

"She doesn't have abnormal expenses except for gas. She gets gas frequently. Like, more than she would ever need."

"You're right," Spence agreed after he ran through the numbers in his head. "There is no scenario where she would need this much gas if she wasn't going to far away places every day."

Derek said what I was thinking. "She's going there. To wherever the cult is living at. She goes there all the time then. Either she's a loyal member of the Family or…"

"She is the leader herself," I finished for him, trying to swallow that idea.

I had only thought that she knew more than she was letting on. I had no idea that she could be capable of murder. That she could be a leader of a cult. A cult that kidnapped Emily. A woman she supposedly cared for.

"Why?" Rossi asked. "Why would she do this? Looking for acceptance from her father?"

"Maybe," Hotch agreed. "But there has got to be more than that. What's bothering me is why she called Prentiss. I'm sure LAPD wouldn't have solved this case and she wouldn't have been caught. But with Prentiss and us…" He trailed off, not knowing the answer himself.

"There's no reason for her to keep Emily alive," Derek pointed out. "There must be a reason why they took her. Because if she got too close they would have just killed her."

"So they need her for something," Rossi agreed with a nod.

And while we all the knew that was keeping her alive, the fact that the reason was unknown was scary.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

I stopped looking at the woman I used to love more than anything. I couldn't look at her. I had to remind myself that the woman in front of me kidnapped me. That she killed people. That she betrayed me.

I tried to focus on the thought of my team saving me. I couldn't think about the memories and I couldn't think about JJ. All I had that was keeping me afloat was my family.

"They aren't going to save you," Sash— Charlie— commented as she tried to push my chin upward so I would look toward her. "Look at me, goddammit!"

She succeeded in pushing my head, but I darted my eyes so I didn't have to see hers.

"Mary, your team of yours doesn’t care about you. They weren't even concerned when they found out that you were taken. Your boss told me that they already thought that you were dead. They are going to leave."

I held in the tears, the anger. I tried not to believe her. I tried…

"They won't have any doubt that you are dead, anyway. In fact, they'll think I'm dead, too."

That got me to look at her. She grinned when my eyes met hers. "What do you mean they will think we are dead?"

She laughed and explained, "Two tied up girls with the same features as us are going to be found dead in a burning car. There will be so much damage that they wouldn't be able to tell a difference. Even your genius won't be able to deny that both of us are dead."

I shook my head in disbelief. "So, what? You are just going to murder two innocent people just so they will stop looking for us? Why? You could have gotten away with all of this if you didn't—"

"I did all of this for you, Mary!" She shouted, pounding her feet on the floor in frustration like she was a child. "All of those bodies, they are all dead because of you."

"No," I whimpered, shaking my head rapidly. "You killed them. I wasn't a part of it at all!"

"No, you weren't. But I killed them so that I could get you to come here. I needed to be able to convince you that the Manson Family were back. You wouldn't have come to see me if there wasn't a case. So a few people had to be sacrificed. So that I could save  _you_."

My eyes stung holding in the water that wanted to be released so desperately. I let out a gasp of breath. I couldn't handle that I got all of those people killed.

"Is this a fake cult, too? Just to get me here?"

She shook her head and pressed her hand to my cheek. "Of course not. These people needed saving just like you did. We are all very similar here, Mary. Having families that didn't love them. Being lonely and hurting for so long. Here, everyone can be in peace. There is only love here."

"That's exactly what your father said!" I snarled, trying to release my anger. "You used to be so ashamed that your father was a murderer. And here you are, killing. Are you searching for his approval as well?"

Instead of making her mad as I had hoped, she smiled. "I already have his approval, darling. He wanted to meet you, you know. He wanted to meet the special girl that his daughter loved and wanted to save. So I got him to meet you. Only a few more people had to die so that we had a good enough reason to speak with him. Remember the last thing he said?" I nodded. I would never forget. "He said you were a reflection of him. As in, a reflection of me."

"So you started to write to him?" I asked, trying to change the subject and make it about her rather than me. I didn't want to be compared to a murderer that I was deeply in love with a long time ago.

"I did. I was a very lost girl when you left me. So I wrote to daddy. He started teaching me about love and God. And how Helter Skelter wasn't about war. It was about saving the chosen people. Like us, Mary."

"And how many were chosen?" I asked her.

"Twenty-four. Our Family is quite large."

"And Sandra Good? Lynette Fromme? What about them? Did you save them as well?"

"They were already saved," She explained as if it were obvious. "I found them again. Sandy did a good job playing afraid, didn't she? Squeaky and Gypsy are like our mothers here. They teach us and serve us. It's a beautiful place of love and worship."

"And who do you worship? God? The Devil?" I asked. "Your father?"

"All one in the same," She answered with a shrug. "But don't worry. We'll show you everything. Everyone is dying to meet you. But we still have work to do. Just you and me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sasha is such a good bad guy and I love it? What do you guys think about her?
> 
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!


	23. for a pessimist, I’m pretty optimistic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry I didn't get to update yesterday! Life sometimes kicks my butt! At least there's coffee to save me!

**JJ’s POV**

Instead of sleeping, we spent the whole five hours in the hotel talking about Tyburczy. Derek thought that we should just tail her for the next day. Rossi thought that we should confront her. I thought arresting her would do the trick. Everyone had a different idea on how to save Emily. Therefore, no one was on the same page. By the time we had to go to the precinct, we didn't even have a plan.

Everyone showered and changed and hoped that everything would be clearer when we met back up. It wasn't.

Hotch drove us to the precinct. When we arrived, Delmonico was running toward us.

"She's missing!" He yelled out. "Sasha, she's gone."

We all shared dubious looks. We were pretty sure she wasn't taken like Emily. We were pretty sure she finally just got away.

"Slow down," Hotch told him. "What happened?"

Delmonico took a deep breath and replied, "Sasha's never late. So when she didn't come in, I went to her apartment. It was trashed like there was a struggle or something. I think she was taken just like your agent was."

Before any of us had a chance to reply, Olsen came running out of the building as well, and yelled out, “Nicky!" 

"What is it, Olsen?" Delmonico asked as his colleague caught up with us. "Is this about Tyburczy?"

Olsen nodded. He turned to the rest of us as well. "It's about Agent Prentiss too. Officers found a burning car twenty minutes ago. After the Fire Department took care of the fire, the officers tried to look at the bodies. They found both badges. Tyburczy's and Prentiss'."

The air felt like it was knocked out of my body. I felt like I needed to sit back down. My brain felt fuzzy and everything went partially numb. I almost swayed too far and fell, but Derek grabbed a hold of me. He kept a grip on me so I didn't fall. I looked to my side. He was holding onto Pen as well.

"Where?" Hotch asked, speaking for all of us.

Olsen looked like all the blood had escaped his body when he replied, "You guys can just follow us."

Delmonico and Olsen ran to their vehicle and we entered our own.

"We have to keep it together," Hotch said after all of us buckled our seatbelts. "If we were right, Tyburczy is the leader. She wouldn't be killed nor would she kill Prentiss. She doesn't know that we were on to her. She could just be trying to fake their deaths. We know she is capable of murder."

We all stayed silent except for Spence who asked, "What if we were wrong?"

None of us answered his question. None of us wanted to. None of us wanted to know one of the bodies in the car was one of our own.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

"Tell me about the memories, Mary. Tell me what came out of those boxes in your head?" Sasha asked me as she messed with the blood that was entering my body.

"What was in those drugs?" I asked her instead, not wanting to let her in any further than I have.

"You don't have to worry about that," Sasha said as she sat down on my bed. "The drugs were very safe. So, Mary. Tell me about Emily's memories. Tell me everything that made you this person."

I shook my head. "How could you pretend like everything is normal? How can you pretend like I was willing to join you? You kidnapped people. You killed people. How can you act like everything is okay?"

She smiled and brushed the hair out of my face. "Because everything is okay. You're safe here. You are loved here."

"You fucking brought up my memories!" I screamed at her, lunging even though I couldn't move. "You caused  _my_  pain. You took me away from  _my_  family! If you're looking for a reason for my unhappiness, look in a mirror, bitch!"

I struggled to try to break out of my chains. I felt the metal rip my skin open and I howled.

"Mary! Calm down!" Sasha yelled as she tried to hold me down.

"My. Name. Is. Not. MARY!" I screamed, pulling the chains off my bed.

I was about to put my hands around her neck when she injected me with yet another drug.

Suddenly, I didn't have control over my body anymore. Everything felt numb.

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

Everything was smoking. There wasn't a part of the car or the bodies that weren't charred. The smell was overwhelming. My eyes watered from the thick smoke. I looked away. I couldn't handle looking at the scene any longer.

"JJ," Spence whispered as he stood next to me. "Chances are that isn't even her body."

"But it's still a body," I argued. "Someone is still dead."

He sighed with defeat. "I know. But we have to continue to work. For Emily. We have to keep working the case."

I nodded. I turned back around and saw people drag the bodies out. I caught a glimpse of a thigh that wasn't burned to a crisp. On the supposed body of Emily. I held in the bile that rose up. But then I remembered something…

I got the attention of my team while Sasha's team huddled in a group and began to mourn for their 'friend.'

"JJ," Hotch muttered. "What is it?"

"I know for sure that the woman isn't Emily," I told them, moving my head in the direction of the woman being pulled into a body bag.

"What is it?" Derek asked, looking extremely hopeful.

I lowered my voice, making sure that no one else could hear me. "The woman's thigh is one of the only things that isn't burned. But on the upper thigh… er… Emily has a tattoo there. Of a spade."

They didn't ask me how I knew it. Maybe they could infer. Maybe they realized I knew Emily really well in some other ways... that weren’t so professional. But none of that mattered. Everyone's eyes lit up. Now we were positive. Emily was alive.

"We need to go to Tyburczy's apartment. Maybe she has clues about where they are hiding in there," Hotch directed as we all started to move away from the group, trying to hide our relief from the other team.

As Hotch tried to BS his way through reasoning why we should check out Sasha's apartment, Rossi stood next to me.

"Thank god you were here," He whispered. "I know everyone is trying to put on a brave face. But I know how everyone is feeling. We all need Emily to be okay. And you just reassured us that we could find her."

I smiled at him slightly. He was the newest member of our team. But he was already family. And family saved family. That's just what they do. That's what we were going to do. For Emily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how JJ and Em's relationship is helping the team find Emily.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are welcome!


	24. heal me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the late update! Bring out the box of tissues, lol!

**Emily’s POV**

There was a dull nothingness when I opened my eyes. There was no longer a weight on my shoulders. My physical pain didn't hurt anymore. Neither did my emotional pain. Everything felt free and empty. Like I no longer had any boxes inside my head, whether they were empty or not, it no longer mattered.

"Mary," Charlie whispered as she took my hand. "You are looking happy. How are you feeling?"

I smiled at the woman in front of me. My ex. The woman I used to love more than anything. "I feel… good."

"That's wonderful, Mary," She replied as she started to caress my face like she used to. "It's a good thing when you feel good. Now, do you remember those memories that were brought up a few hours ago? The memories that didn't make you feel so good?"

I did. But they felt so far away. Like they weren't even my memories. "Yes. Emily wasn't a very happy person."

"Why?" She asked me. "What made Emily unhappy?"

"Emily had a very mean daddy," I told her. "He'd touch her when she didn't want her to. Men liked to use Emily. John got her pregnant and wanted nothing to do with her. Her bosses made her fuck a man as a job. Emily was wasted in the arms of everyone."

"She was," Sasha agreed. "No one had a right to use her. No one had the right to take her innocence away. Do you want the innocence back, Mary?"

I nodded without even giving it a thought. "I want the innocence. I don't want Emily to come back ever again."

She got closer to me and cupped my cheeks. Her eyes were very close to mine. She was everything to me. She was the only thing that mattered.

"You don't have to be Emily again. Not with me. You can be innocent. You can be happy. You can be loved. You can be Mary. Just as I can be Charlie. And we can live happily ever after. Do you want that?"

"Yes," I breathed out.

She smiled that beautiful smile and pressed her lips against mine. Her lips were cold, very different than...

_JJ’s. Jennifer Jareau. Her comforting smile. Her light, calming laugh. Her welcoming lips. Her blue eyes. Her warmth. Her soft arms._

"She used Emily too, Mary," She said. I had no idea how she knew that I was thinking of her. "She didn't love you. She used you to feel better. She's not like you, Mary. Don't you want to forget her?"

I nodded. I didn't want to think about her ever again.

She smiled with her edgy, seductive lips. She laughed with that dark tone. She kissed me again with her rough lips. She pushed her cold body against mine. I opened my eyes and looked into her dark ones.

"I love you, Mary," She whispered, her voice begging me to repeat the words back to her.

I opened my mouth. I would tell her the truth. "I love— JJ."

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

The struggle in Sasha's apartment looked incredibly staged. Too many things were knocked over. There wasn't a pattern. There wasn't anything real. Her team must have been too emotional to see this. We searched through her things, trying to find anything that could lead us to her other life. Her life that belonged to a murdering cult. More than anything, we wanted an address. We wanted to find Emily.

"I found something!" Derek shouted from the bedroom. We all ran to see what he had found.

We all looked at this large safe that was behind a piece of art.

"What do you think the combination could be?" Rossi asked as we all stared at the safe, hoping an answer would come to us.

"Five numbers..." Spence started to ramble about the number of possible combinations the code could be.

Five numbers… "Emily," I whispered too low for anyone to hear. When everyone turned to me I repeated loudly, "Emily. Put in Emily. Or, I guess the numbers that correspond to her name."

Derek typed the code in and the safe opened.

It was almost too cliche looking. The inside was covered in pictures of Emily. From when she was in her twenties to now. And most of them either had Sasha in it or had her photoshopped in. And in the middle of it was a picture of Manson himself, grinning.

"She's insane," I murmured. "We need to get Emily. Now."

Hotch nodded and stated, "We need to figure out if Tyburczy has always been this crazy. Morgan, call Garcia. We need to figure out if her mother is still alive. And if she has a clue where her daughter could be."

Derek dialed her number and put her on speaker. "Hey, baby girl. You're on speaker. We couldn't find an address, but we think that maybe her mother could help us out. Can you find out if she's alive and where she lives?"

"Sure thing, sugar." She typed for a few seconds before replying. "Sasha's mother, Leona, is still alive. And in California. Sending you the address now."

Everyone's phones buzzed, receiving the address from Penelope.

"Thanks, mama. We'll keep you updated," Derek promised her before hanging up. "Are we ready to go?"

Everyone nodded and darted for the door.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

"What?" Charlie asked, her face becoming red with anger.

I cleared my throat, allowing bits of memories to resurface inside of me. Specifically the ones of the blonde. But others were coming as well. Even the ones I didn't want to remember. "I love JJ."

She shook her head and jumped off of me. "No, no, no! No, you don't! You can't! She's a part of Emily's life. Not yours! She used you. S-she doesn't understand you. She could never love you."

I shrugged, accepting the pain as every second passed. The haze faded. Emily reappeared inside of me. "Maybe so. Maybe she could never love me. That's not her fault. She did what she did. No one's perfect."

"NO!" Charlie screamed, stomping like a child. "You love ME. You have always loved ME. We are meant to be together."

I shook my head. "I'm not meant to be with anyone. I'm a lone wolf, Charlie. Give me all the drugs you want. I might never be Emily again. Maybe I won't even remember her. But I will revel in the fact that you will always remember this moment. Because you'll remember that when I'm most lucid, I don't love you. I love JJ. And you can never forget that."

She slapped me. "No. I don't accept that."

I spit the blood out of my mouth. I smiled. I was beginning to get to her. "You weren't even good in bed, Sasha. At least JJ knew how to fuck—"

She punched my stomach. "Don't you dare—"

"She made me moan like no one else. So satisfying—" Punch. "So delicious—" Another slap. "She's everything to me. You could never compare to her."

And then something happened. I didn't feel it. I only knew she stabbed me once I saw the bloody knife that she was holding. I looked down and saw the blood trickle out of my abdomen.

"No! No, Mary! I didn't mean to!" She pressed her hands to my stomach. "Stay with me."

My vision became blurry. I blinked several times, but nothing became clear. I realized that I had tears in my eyes. Even my body knew it was the end. I smiled. I was happy to die as Emily. As a fighter.

The darkness crept into my vision. I couldn't hear her screams or feel her touch on my body. She wasn't even there to me anymore.

As I fell into nothingness, I whispered the word, "JJ."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.


	25. asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm baaacccckkk! Here's another chapter, peeps!

**JJ’s POV**

"Please, Ms. Tyburczy," Derek begged as we sat across from the very shrewd woman. "Please think again. Has Sasha ever talked about Emily Prentiss?"

She just shook her head as she did with after every question we asked her. She crossed her arms. She looked annoyed and fed up. I was tired of her uncooperative attitude.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," I said, startling everyone after I had stayed silent this whole time. "But our friend was kidnapped by your daughter. And you can't even tell us if your daughter had any mental health problems?"

She glared at me and bit her lip. "My daughter was a good girl. And she's dead now. So is your agent. I know you don't want her to be dead—"

"She isn't dead," I snarled, my voice raising suddenly. "And you know it. Perhaps your daughter used to be a good girl a long time ago. She might have been sane when she was a kid. But that was up until college, wasn't it? She asked you about her father all the time when she was a little kid. And then she stopped in college, didn't she? She stopped talking about it. That's when she started acting differently. She was no longer that sweet girl you knew, am I right?"

Ms. Tyburczy squirmed as if I was finally getting through to her. "I figured that she realized looking for him would be frivolous."

"You didn't even consider that maybe she found out that her father was Charles Manson?" At her stunned reaction, I continued, knowing I was breaking her walls. "After looking for the man who left her for ages, she found out her father was a murderer. And she didn't know how to cope with that. When she found out, she had a girlfriend that she could pay attention to. She was supported and loved. But then they broke up, and that's when everything went to shit, didn't it?"

Finally, Ms. Tyburczy gave in and nodded. "She was always such a happy girl. But then she wasn't. She started talking crazy. That everyone in the world was tainted. But that she knew how to be pure. She thought she was chosen for something. She said that I was an abomination. We stopped talking. She hasn't— we haven't talked since."

"She took our colleague," I explained sympathetically. "She killed several people. She tried to copy her father's murders. We just want to save our friend. We don't want to hurt your daughter, ma'am. We want to save her. She needs help." She remained silent for a few seconds before nodding. "Do you have any idea where she could be?"

"Yes," Ms. Tyburczy replied. "Charlie gave me this land when we were together. He told me to never tell anyone about it. Sasha knew about it…" She wrote down an address on a piece of paper and passed it to me. "Here. Go. I'm so sorry. I wish I could have—"

"It's not your fault," I lied simply with a reassuring smile. "Thank you."

The team stared at me as if they were impressed. I didn't have time for them to be surprised. We had work to do. I got up and led them to the car. We were going to get her. We were going to save her.

* * *

The compound was smaller than I thought it would be. It was an old store in the middle of nowhere. I guessed that there couldn't be that many people in there. SWAT was going to go in first to arrest all the Family members. We were going to go in second to find Emily.

We watched as SWAT entered the building. Shots were exchanged, but they didn't last. Only a few minutes later, the group of hippies walked out of the building with their hands up. No sign of Sasha. No sign of Emily.

"Agent Hotchner," the SWAT team leader said to Hotch as he approached our van. "There's a locked room where we believe that two people are inside. Do you want us to open the door?"

"The woman in that room is highly unstable," Hotch tried to explain. "We need to do this carefully. She has a hostage. We need the door to be opened, but my team is going to enter the room. Is that clear?"

The man nodded. "Yes, Sir. Follow me."

We followed him through the old general store. There were dirty cots everywhere. The room smelled of blood and marijuana. It was quite disgusting. The man led us to the back of the building. There was a huge metal door that was locked. SWAT used a type of battering ram to open the door and then Hotch went in first. We all followed.

"Stop!" Sasha screamed. The sight was gruesome. Sasha held a bloody knife to an unconscious Emily's throat. "Don't come any closer or she'll die."

"Sasha," Hotch said calmly, lowering his weapon slightly. "You don't need to do this. Put the knife down. Emily doesn't need to die."

"You don't understand!" She yelled, tears running down her eyes. "You could never understand. She needs me! She needs me to save her!"

Hotch nodded. "Okay, okay. Then put the knife down. You can't save her if she's dead."

"She's probably already dead!" She squealed, the realization ringing in her voice. "I stabbed her by accident. She wouldn't shut up! She became Emily again. She— she wasn't supposed to."

I felt my jaw drop. No, I couldn't even fathom it. Emily Prentiss could not be dead.

"You bitch," I seethed out of my teeth, not being able to hold it in. "If she dies, it's all your fault."

Her eyes found mine. She looked sad. Not angry. "How? How could she love you? I wanted to give her everything. I loved every part of her. And she loved you."

Before any of us could realize what she was doing, she took the knife off of Emily's throat and slashed it against her own. Right in front of us, Charlotte Sasha Tyburczy took her own life.

"We need medics!" Derek screamed as Spence ran to Emily's lifeless body.

I felt my body fall against the floor. I didn't even realize that Rossi's arms wrapped around my body. He tried to help lift me off the floor.

"She's alive!" Spence yelled out. "Emily's alive! She still has a pulse."

I let out a breath of relief.

I watched as the medics put Emily on a stretcher. I watched as they rolled Emily out of the room. I watched as the team walked around, not knowing what to do with themselves. We saved Emily. But she would never be the same. And we knew that. And it was fucking scary. Because none of us knew what we would do without her. She wasn't just a colleague. She was a friend. A lover (for me, at least).

I didn't know what I would do without her. Emily meant more to me than just a friend or someone I could have fun with occasionally. I hated that it took me until she almost died to realize that. I could no longer deny that I was in love with Emily Prentiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY! Emily's alive AND JJ realized she's in love with her! Woohoo! Thanks for reading, guys! Reviews are super duper appreciated!


	26. wake up call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! Life's crazy just like this fic.

My leg wouldn't stop shaking up and down. They had taken her away so fast… if something happened… No. I couldn't even think about it. I wouldn't let the worst case scenario cross my mind.

"She's a fighter," Penelope reminded me as she squeezed my hand. It reminded me so much of when I held Emily's hand. When it was PG, instead of EP, who was in the hospital. "She's going to make it. I just feel it."

I nodded and laid my head on her shoulder. As comforting as my best friend was, the one person I really needed at the time was Emily.

"Are you going to tell her?" When she saw my confused look, she added, "When she wakes up, are you going to tell her that you have feelings for her?"

I raised my eyebrows at my friend. "How did you know?"

She grinned slightly. "I sort of fibbed when I acted like I didn't know that Em was gay. I mean it's obvious. Don't look so surprised at me, honey, I'm the Oracle of Quantico. I see all. Also, your face goes all red when Em wears thin clothing."

I blushed and chuckled slightly along with her. But then a wave of sadness washed over me when I remembered that Emily could be dying and I was laughing with Pen.

"She can't die," I told her with a slight quiver to my voice. "I never told her. She needs to know. She can't die thinking that I didn't love her."

She patted my head and brushed my hair out of my face. "I know. But everything is going to be okay. She'll be okay. Just take a deep breath."

"Emily's too stubborn to leave us," Morgan stated as he sat down on the opposite side of Penelope. "She's going to wake up and try to walk out the front door. She's going to make a faster recovery than possible, just to get out of the damn hospital."

"She does hate hospitals more than the average person," Spence agreed as he and the rest of the team walked over to us. "Though, there is a large number of the population that has nosocomephobia, or a phobia of hospitals. And people have every right to be afraid! Did you know healthcare-associated infections are more likely to lead to death than car accidents?"

We all stared at him. But we didn't stop him. While his facts were utterly morbid, he did a good job keeping our thoughts occupied.

"Family of Emily Prentiss?" We all turned around immediately and walked up to the doctor. "Woah, this is a crowd. I'm Dr. Sichitiu. Emily lost a lot of blood. She was in a very critical stage when she first got here. But we were able to close everything up with one surgery. It was a clean cut. So no major injuries. We did a scan of her brain to make sure there wasn't any bleeding and luckily she has no major injuries there as well. The one troubling thing that we found was a high dose of drugs. Experimental drugs, in fact. We can't even pinpoint some of them. We are going to have to keep a close eye on that to make sure there are no side effects."

"Is she stable?" Rossi asked what we were all wondering.

She didn't answer right away. "Emily isn't what we would consider in critical or immediate danger. But we have no idea how she will wake up with the drugs and the possibility of a concussion. Her injuries are no longer life-threatening, but we honestly have no idea what will happen when she wakes up."

"And when do you think she will wake up?" Hotch asked the doctor.

She smiled gently at all of us (she was obviously experienced with telling good and bad news). "She could wake up any time now. She's on morphine, so she might not be able to stay awake, but she should gain consciousness soon."

"When, uh, when can we go inside and see her?" I asked the woman, desperately wanting her to let me see her.

"Normally, we wouldn't allow anyone to be in the room with her since we don't know how she will exactly wake up. But since she was in a traumatic situation and lost consciousness during that event, she has no knowledge of where she is and what happened to her. I suggest that at least one person that she is comfortable with should be in the room. Someone who she is the closest to, maybe?"

"JJ, Morgan, you two should go. We'll stay right out here waiting for one of you to come to get us," Hotch directed, making the decision in only a few seconds.

I was grateful for his command. Derek and I followed the woman down the fluorescent, emotionless hallway. I wasn't a fan of hospitals either.

The room was tight, but I was glad that no one else shared the small space. There was a nurse in the room when we got there that was checking her vital signs. I felt unsteady when my eyes traveled to the bed.

Derek wrapped his arms around my waist to keep me upright. We walked to the opposite wall and sat on the two chairs.

Emily looked as pale as a ghost. I mean, the woman was always pale. But this, this looked wrong. She was always so full of life. Cracking jokes, beating bad guys, and saving the day. Emily didn't even look like Emily when she seemed so lifeless.

"I wish she told me," Derek muttered as he put his hand on her leg. "About Tyburczy. And especially about her father. I mean, more than anyone, I could understand what she had gone through. I thought… I dunno. I thought she trusted me."

"She does," I argued, putting one hand on his shoulder. "It was never about trust, Derek. Her not telling you was about everyone else in her life previously that told her not to share her feelings. She grew up with an emotionless witch. She grew up with a man who abused her. She was taught to keep everything inside at such a young age. It has nothing to do with how much she trusted us."

"I should've been there in LA from the beginning. By her side. That's what partners do. But I had to be a self-righteous skeptic. I should've just followed—"

"This isn't your fault!" I told him, putting my hands on his cheek as he tried to turn his head, now wanting me to see him crying. "Hey, don't do this to yourself. We were all in agreement. Hotch wouldn't have let you go anyway. Don't feel guilty. We are all to blame."

Derek nodded and wiped his tears away quickly. "Do you think she'll forgive us?"

"We're family," I reminded him. "Of course she'll forgive us. She probably won't let us forget, though."

"Do you think Emily will be okay when she wakes up? With all of those drugs? And who knows what they did to her."

I shook my head. I didn't want to even think about what kind of emotional torture Emily went through. "I don't know. But she's a badass. If anyone can get through it, it's Emily Prentiss. Besides, she's got all of us."

He smiled before giving me a serious look. "Was Tyburczy being crazy or sane when she said that Prentiss is in love with you?"

I sighed. I had hoped everyone had forgotten about that. "I don't want to speak for her. She never directly expressed her feelings to me. I guess I didn't even consider the possibility that she could have feelings for me."

"And how about you? Do you have feelings for Prentiss?" He asked me, looking slightly surprised.

"I broke up with Will," I told him, not knowing how to put my feelings in words. "I broke up with Will because I didn't want to be with him. I-I don't know what will happen. Emily has gone through so much, and I don't want to just spin her world around. The last time we talked about us, she told me I was killing her. I don't want to make her pain worse."

Derek nodded and stared at the woman connected to the machines. "I don't think that anything can be worse than this. Don't keep your feelings from her, JJ. Let her decide. Because maybe the one thing that she needs to get better will be you."

He was right and I knew it. I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to wake up so I could tell her. But I knew that I wasn't ready. That I was still a coward. And I wanted to give her time, so I didn't bombard her. She needed the whole team right now, not just me.

I was about to reach for her hand when I noticed her eyes flutter.

"Emily…"

She opened her eyes and jumped up. She screamed and tried to get out of the bed. Derek and I stood up and tried to push her back down on the bed. The machine started beeping and doctors ran into the room, trying to assist us to settle her back down.

"Emily! It's okay," I tried to tell her over the loudness of her yells. "Emily it's us! It's JJ and Derek."

I saw as her eyes traveled around the room and she stopped struggling. She started to breathe and shake uncontrollably as if she was reacting to some medicine terribly.

"She's in shock," A doctor said as she tried to calm Emily down.

"Emily!" I shouted again. I took her hand and kissed it. "Emily, it's me. You're safe. Sasha—she's gone."

She looked at me and I couldn't understand the expression. She went from scared to… despondent. She finally started to breath slower, and she closed her eyes. She was no longer hysterical, but now she seemed like she was sorrowful. Like Sasha being gone made her depressed rather than reassured.

The doctor looked at her stomach and sighed from relief. "Her stitches weren't torn open. That's good news. She's still on track for the road to recovery. Since she is in law enforcement, I will let you decide if she needs a psychiatrist."

"No," Derek quickly told the woman. "We can take care of her here. But thank you."

"Then she's good for now," The doctor stated. "We'll come by and check in on her in thirty minutes. Press the call button if she starts to struggle again. We can be in here in no time at all if you need anything."

I was thankful when the doctor left. Everything seemed to calm down.

"I'll go get the others," Derek said. "You try to make her feel better. See if she responds to you." He quickly left. I thought that he must have been scared by the whole thing. Honestly, I was too. But nothing could separate me from her at the moment.

"Emily," I said, holding both of her hands. "The others are coming soon. We all are so glad that you are okay."

She opened those dark eyes and looked into mine. I couldn't see how she was feeling. There was so much sadness in her eyes. Like she had just lost everything.

"I'm so glad—"

"Is she dead?" Emily croaked out. "Sasha, is she dead?"

I felt so uncomfortable with having to tell her. Even if Sasha had kidnapped her, Emily did love her at some point.

"When we were trying to save you from her," I explained in the most sympathetic way as possible. "She ended her own life. But you're okay. We got you back."

Before she turned her head away from me, I saw the tears enter her eyes. I didn't understand them. Her tears. Her sadness.

"It's my fault…" She whispered so low I could barely hear her. "I left her … years ago. I ruined... I … crazy. She killed ... those people for me. I'm ... reason so ... people are dead."

"What?" I asked, not hearing what she had said.

She didn't even have a chance to reply to me. The team walked in looking so excited. As if a switch turned on, Emily leaned forward and put on a smile on her face.

"Hey, everyone," Emily greeted cheerily. She couldn't fool me. Her eyes were still dark. Her eyes couldn't lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much to say except that I have no medical knowledge and I don't know how these things work. So I'm sorry if anything is unrealistic or inaccurate.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Reviews are welcome!


	27. i only lie when i love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Another chapter! Woohoo!

**Emily’s POV**

My chest felt like fire when I finally opened my eyes. Expecting to have to fight for my life, screaming, I jumped up, trying to find where Charlie was so that I could get out of this hell. I looked around and found different faces. A machine started beeping and I turned to look at it. I just wanted it to stop.

"Emily, it's okay!" Someone shouted. "Emily's it's us! JJ and Derek!" The words didn't sound clear to me. I couldn't comprehend…

I tried to take a deep breath, but I couldn't. The shortness of breath started and I felt like I was being suffocated. I leaned back down, not being able to breathe properly.

"She's in shock!" Someone else yelled.

"Emily!" The first woman shouted again. I felt someone touch my hand and press their mouth on it. I recognized the feeling. I looked up and saw the blue eyes. JJ's eyes. "Emily, it's me. You're safe. Sasha— she's gone."

My breathing finally caught back up to me. I was no longer struggling to stay alive. Reality dawned on me. Everything was coming back. I understood what must have happened.

I closed my eyes. I didn't want any of this to be real. I didn't want Sasha to be dead. I didn't want her to take me. I didn't want to remember those memories. I didn't want her to have kissed me and made me feel loved again. I didn't want to have met her all those years ago. I didn't want to have been the cause for so many deaths.

I felt a doctor check my abdomen, my stab wound specifically.

"Her stitches weren't torn open. That's good news. She's still on track for the road on recovery. Since she is in law enforcement, I will let you decide if she needs a psychiatrist."

"No," Morgan quickly commanded. "We can take care of her here. But thank you."

"Then she's good for now," The doctor stated. "We'll come by and check in on her in thirty minutes. Press the call button if she starts to struggle again. We can be in here in no time at all if you need anything."

There was silence for a few seconds before Morgan spoke.

"I'll go get the others," He said as if he didn't know what to do with himself. "You try to make her feel better. See if she responds to you."

"Emily," JJ said as she squeezed my hands. I wanted her to let go of them, but I didn't have the strength to shake her hand away. "The others are coming soon. We all are so glad that you are okay."

I wasn't glad that I was okay. I had done so much harm.

I opened my eyes and stared at her. She looked so concerned. So worried. She thought that I was in pain. She couldn't understand that I didn't care about me.

"I'm so glad—“

"Is she dead?" I interrupted, not wanting her to tell me that she was glad that I was alive. I didn't want to hear it. "Sasha, is she dead?"

After staying silent for a few seconds, she answered, "When we were trying to save you from her, she ended her own life. But you're okay. We got you back."

I couldn't look at her any longer. I didn't want her to see that I was upset that I was back. I turned away from her.

"It's my fault she's dead," I murmured under my breath. "I left her so many years ago. I ruined her life and she became crazy. She killed all of those people for me. I'm the reason so many people are dead."

"What?" She asked, not hearing what I had said.

Saving me from having to answer her question, the team walked in looking so thrilled to see me conscious. I got up so I could make them think that I was okay. They had done so much to save me. The least I could do was act grateful. I even added a smile so that I could sell the lie even better.

"Hey, everyone," I said with a light tone to my voice.

"EP," Garcia said as she crouched down next to my bed. "How are you doing in here?"

"I'm okay," I lied, adding another smile for the warm woman. "I'm just happy that you guys got me out of there."

"How are you feeling?" Hotch asked. He still looked serious. The normalcy made me feel slightly better.

I shrugged slightly. "Other than being stabbed, I'm doing okay. Though I'd like to get out of this place. Can't I just go home?"

"Not yet," Rossi said with a huge grin across his face. "But in no time at all, you will be out of here."

I noticed that Reid was in the back and was avoiding my eyes. I immediately understood. He knew what it was like. I might have even been bringing up bad memories. Yet another thing I was doing to hurt someone.

"Can I at least go back to DC?" I asked them. "It turns out I really don't like LA. There's too much sun and stabbing."

Morgan chuckled. "Of course you're making a joke out of what happened."

"We can ask," Hotch said. "But I can't promise anything. We won't move you if it could risk your health."

"Speaking of risking my health," I added. "Did you guys call my mother?"

"We decided to wait," Rossi told me. "Thought that you'd want to call. Or not call at all. Your decision."

I smiled gratefully. At least one person I didn't have to talk to. I already ruined her life with my birth. "Thank you," I said.

I faked a yawn and lied, "I'm feeling really tired. All these drugs have done a number on me."

"We should let you sleep," Morgan said. He kissed my forehead. "We'll leave you alone. Besides, we haven't eaten in like, a day and a half. I'll see ya soon, Princess."

I smiled at him, glad that he didn't stay longer. Hotch, Rossi, and Garcia followed him. I turned to JJ. More than anyone, I wanted her to leave. She could see through me better than anyone. And I didn't want her right there watching me.

"Seriously, Jayje. Go with them. You need to eat and rest, too. I'll just be sleeping. You'll see me in a few hours." She looked uncertain like she didn't believe me. "I'm fine. I just need to sleep. You know. The loss of blood's really—"

"Don't," She said, her face looking hard and confused. "Don't crack jokes. You don't have to lie to me, Em. I'll leave. But I am not happy about it." She got up, let go of my hands and left the room.

I turned to Reid, who had watched that whole interaction.

"Reid—"

"She's right. I know that you're lying. You're not okay. I know. I've been through it. The drugs… the manipulation. But it must have been harder for you. You knew Tyburczy." He realized that I flinched at the name. "I'll be here for you. You can be honest with me because I know how it feels. And if you aren't honest with me… if you let yourself break… I will talk to Hotch. I'll be there for you like you tried to be there for me."

I wanted to tell him that he was wrong. But he wasn't. I wasn't okay. And I probably could be honest with him. But there was also so many things that he couldn't understand.

Instead of saying anything at all, I just nodded. He took that as an answer and left the room, giving me some space.

I took a deep breath and pulled myself together. Slowly, I put every little feeling I had back into a box. Feeling numb was better than hurting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another sad chapter. I'm sorry guys. Things will get better!
> 
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated! Let me know what you think!


	28. moving on

The hospital didn't think it would be a good idea for me to travel. I told the team to go back to DC, but they were reluctant to leave. After three days, I finally convinced Rossi and Hotch to return home. Morgan and Garcia had bought tickets to go home in the next few days, and Reid and JJ decided they wanted to stay for as long as I had to be in LA.

I was thankful that no one asked me too many questions about my time with Sasha. I didn't want to have to think about it let alone have to explain it. They talked to me like it didn't happen. Like I wasn't kidnapped by someone I loved and trusted.

However, I could feel their careful eyes on me. It was as if they were waiting for me to fall apart. I almost wondered if they thought I was handling it too well.

JJ stayed by my side almost constantly. I wished that she would just go with Morgan and Garcia. She kept asking me how I was feeling as if I could be feeling good or fine in any way possible. Besides, I didn't want to see her after I admitted to myself that I was in love with her. I couldn't handle seeing her pity knowing that it would only increase if she knew I was pathetic enough to not be able to stop having feelings for a woman with a boyfriend.

It was the easiest to hang out with Reid. He didn't feel the need to ask me how I felt. He seemed to know how I was feeling without asking. He talked to me about books, movies, shows and we played a lot of chess and poker. I felt most like myself when I was with him.

I couldn't sleep at night. Every time I drifted off, I saw Sasha's eyes. The insane look in them. I saw the way her eyes darkened when I told her I loved JJ and before she had stabbed me. Other times, I was able to sleep without her stare. But I dreamt of distorted images of the memories that the drugs brought to the surface. During the day I was able to push them back. My unconscious mind wasn't capable of that level of repression.

As Reid and I were in a heated battle of the card game, War, I checked the clock on the wall. It was already late morning and none of the others were at the hospital yet. I was grateful, but I also knew something had to be up. Usually, everyone came to me as early as possible with visiting hours.

"Are they meeting with each other to talk about me?" I asked him as his Ace took my Jack.

He looked up at me with conflicted guilt in his eyes. "Morgan and Garcia are trying to convince JJ to go home with them. She wants to stay, but her job is important. But either way, I'll stay, of course."

I sighed and shook my head in annoyance. "JJ should go home. It's not like there's anything she can do here."

"You mean except being here for you?" He asked and raised a knowing eyebrow. I glared at him. "She doesn't know what to do with herself when you're pushing her away. She's hurting, too."

"I don't want her to be hurting," I told him with a great sigh. "But I don't need her pitiful stares either. I just want everyone to act as if nothing happened. I just want this stupid wound to be fixed and then I can go home and pretend like this didn't happen. I can go back to my life."

He smiled sympathetically. "I know. But even you know that's impossible. There is no going back. It stays with you. You know this. You've talked to enough victims."

I snorted and angrily replied, "I'm not a victim." Reid raised an eyebrow at me again. "Reid… don't. I'm already over it."

"Really? You're already over the whole kidnapping, stabbing, and drugging? That's impressive."

I rolled my eyes and harrumphed. "Don't be sarcastic, Reid. I can comp—“

"Compartmentalize better than most people," He interrupted sternly. "I know, Prentiss. You've said it enough times. But just because you can push those thoughts away don't mean they are gone. They're still there. Take it from me, pushing away the pain doesn't get rid of the—"

"No, Spencer. You don't get to tell me how to deal with my shit. I know that you were kidnapped. I was there, remember? You were the one who was a total douche to me afterward. This is how I get through the pain. You might think it's unhealthy, but it's just who I am. And you're just going to have to deal with that."

He stared at me for a few seconds in silence. Eventually, he nodded. "Okay. But if it means anything, I wish I listened to you. I wish I accepted your help. Maybe I would have gotten better faster. I'm just glad you're alive. That you're here. I don't know what I would have done without you."

I smiled at him and took his hand. "Thanks, Reid. And I promise. If I need to talk or share feelings, you'll be the person I go to."

He let me wrap my arms around him awkwardly. Spencer Reid might have been uncomfortable in my embrace, but holding him made me feel safe. Reid was my brother in so many ways. And he deserved a better sister than me.

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

"I know that Hotch needs me," I argued with them. "But Emily needs me more. She might not know that she needs me—"

"We understand that, pumpkin. We'd all like to stay here with the beauty if we could. But there are still serial killers out there that we need to take down. Emily wouldn't want us to stop doing our job just to watch her."

Derek nodded. "Yeah, she'd kick our asses if we did that. Besides, Reid is there. He's the only one that has seemed to get through to her."

"You mean the only person that she doesn't seem irritated by?" I asked, knowing what he really meant.

"Yep," Morgan replied simply. "They went through similar things. Let him help her out. I know you wanna protect your girl, but he's got her right now. You can come home with us."

I sighed, giving in. "Fine. But the flight's tomorrow, right? I still have today to be with her?" When they both nodded I added, "Good. I'm going to go see her. Coming with?"

* * *

Emily looked like she hadn't slept in months. The nurses told me that she wasn't sleeping at night and that they couldn't convince her to rest. I wondered what was keeping her up at night. There could be a lot of options.

The second I entered her room, her demeanor shifted. She looked tense like me just being there made her on edge.

"Guess who can have solids today!" Emily cheered when the three of us came to her side.

"Let me guess… Pretty boy?" Derek joked.

Spence glared at him. "No, Morgan. Emily can eat solids."

"That's awesome!" I told her, sitting down next to her. "What do you think you'll eat first?"

She avoided my eyes when she replied, "I'm not sure. There aren't many options here. Honestly, the only thing I'm craving is golumpki. I used to hate it when I was a kid. But now I’d kill for it."

"Golumpki?" Pen asked, looking bewildered.

Before Emily could reply, Spence interrupted, "Golumpki is a classic polish cabbage roll dish consisting of cooked cabbage leaves wrapped around a variety of fillings. It is common to the cuisines of the Balkans, Northern and Eastern Europe, and Iran, as well as West Asia and Northern China." He noticed that we were all staring at him and added, "Sorry. You wanted Prentiss to answer that."

She chuckled lightly. "It's fine, Reid. You're absolutely right. My nanny made me it all the time when I lived in Poland."

"JJ's going to come home with us," Pen told Emily all of a sudden. "Is there anything you want to do with us for our last day here?"

Emily tapped her chin playfully and answered, "I want to take your money in Poker."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a polish gal who loves golumpki. I just had to add it in.
> 
> Emily needs some help, y'all.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!


	29. still into you

"I wish I could stay," I muttered after the others gave me and Emily some alone time. Derek and Pen already said their goodbyes to her. I hated the way she looked in that lonely bed of hers. She looked exhausted and empty. Like she had stopped herself from feeling the pain she had experienced in the past week.

She still wouldn't look at me. Her eyes were always on something else like she tried to pretend like I wasn't there. Or maybe, she knew, that if I looked into her eyes, I would know exactly how she was feeling.

"You have to go," She told me. "It's fine. Besides, I'll be home in no time, too."

It seemed so… fake. Like she thought she was telling me what I wanted to hear. I hated that she thought that she had to lie to me.

"What's the first thing you are going to do when you get back in DC?" I asked her, trying to get her to talk about something. Something real.

She smiled at the thought that came to her mind. "I'm gonna have a date with my hot tub. I miss it."

I grinned at her. "It is a nice hot tub."

Her smile faltered as if it hurt her to remember the times that we spent in her apartment.

_"Wine, bubbles, a day off from work, what could be better?" Emily asked as we both laid back in her hot tub._

_I laughed, letting the warmth soak my skin. "I should come here more often. This_ _would be great after tough cases."_

_"You can come whenever you want," Emily told me, her eyes dazzling as she looked at me. I hadn't remembered a time when she looked happier. "I'm always in need of your company."_

_My stomach fluttered at her words, but I pushed back the feelings. I didn't allow myself to feel anything about her. We were colleagues. Friends. The times we had sex, it was just to feel better. It was to relax. It was…_

_I watched as she dunked her whole nude body into the water. Her body disappeared, but I saw her dark hair spread in the water. She stayed underwater for a period of time. It felt too long to be normal. After about a minute, I grew worried. I went over to her and tried to pull her out of the water._

_She came out of the water and said, "You worried about me, Jareau?"_

_A breath of relief escaped me. I hit her arm playfully. "Don't do that to me, Prentiss."_

_A light laughter fell out of her mouth. A happy laughter that made my smile grow. "Did I scare you, Jennifer?"_

_She did. The thought of her dying… it was unimaginable. I leaned over and kissed her wet lips. It was slow but extremely intense. Kissing Emily was different than all the other kisses I had exchanged with other people. It wasn't necessarily softer (Em and I had a sort of hard passion thing going on), but it was more mind-numbing. Like if for a second, all my pain had vanished. She took away all my hurting._

I wanted to tell her how I felt. How I wanted to be with her. How I had done things so wrong. "Em—"

"Jennifer, thank you for staying," She said curtly, obviously wanting me to leave. "But I'm very tired."

My chest hurt hearing her lies. I simply nodded and replied, "Get some rest. Please, Emily. Sleep. I know you haven't been. Sleep quickens the recovery."

She didn't reply and I knew it was my time to go. So I did, with tears in my eyes. Because I didn't get to tell her how I felt. Because she didn't want me to.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

"Emily, please consider staying with someone as you recover," My doctor told me as I put my clothes on. I was finally getting discharged after being in the fucking hospital for a week and a half.

"I already have to go to a physical therapist and a shrink," I lied carefully. "And my friends aren't going to leave me alone. Believe me, I won't have a second to myself."

She rolled her eyes. I liked the doctor. She was quite entertaining and yet annoying with how intuitive she was. "Somehow, I just don't believe you."

"Smart," Reid said as he came into my room. "Don't worry, Doctor. I've got her covered. I won't let her out of my sight. I'll make sure she goes to the PT and takes all the right medication. She likes to suffer through the pain, but I won't let her."

"Good," She replied, looking reassured. "She's lucky to have someone like you. Even if she doesn't know it yet. I signed your papers. Someone will come here with a wheelchair so you can go home."

"Thank you," I muttered grudgingly. "I don't know how you put up with me. I'm not so good with hospitals."

She snorted, "I've noticed."

I even smiled for real at that statement. I didn't know it was possible for me to even do that.

* * *

Reid forced me into a wheelchair. After I cursed at him for five minutes, I finally relented. I hadn't realized until that moment how stubborn Spencer Reid was. I was learning new things about him every day.

"You know," He said as we rode to the airport in a cab. "Hotch might not let you go back into the field."

"So what, I get stabbed and a concussion and now this? That would be worse than the whole injury. Ugh, sitting at home or in the office all day. Disgusting."

He rolled his eyes. "What I mean is, he won't let you kick down doors and take down UnSubs. I'm sure he'll let you travel with us. He might just make you stay at the stations. I can teach you more about geographical profiles."

I smiled at him. I didn't want to tell him that it was the breaking down the doors and taking down the UnSubs that I liked about the job. "Yeah. That sounds good."

"You sure that you don't want to stay with me? I have enough room…"

"I appreciate the offer, Reid, really. But we'll just end up driving each other crazy. But trust me, if I need something, you'll be the first person I go to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know things are a little slow right now, but things will speed up next chapter. More Jemily to come, guys. I promise!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Reviews are appreciated!


	30. tiny little fractures

I felt like I could finally breathe when Reid dropped me off at my apartment. Like the hands that I felt like wrapped around my neck were not longer choking me. I finally wasn't feeling smothered.

After I put my shit away, I pulled out the bottle of whiskey I had on a very high shelf. The whiskey that I kept for special occasions. Getting kidnapped and stabbed seemed like a good enough occasion to me. I didn't even have a glass. I just drank straight from the bottle.

It reminded me of my teenage days. Which was exactly what I was drinking to forget. I drank some more, hoping that the memories would just vanish.

I sat down on my couch. Emily Prentiss. Lauren Reynolds. Mary Brunner. And all the other names and aliases that I used that blend together now since I had been so many of them. So many identities. So many people I wanted to forget.

I drank to every person. I drank to my team. I drank to my parents. I drank to John. I drank to Sasha. I drank to all the lives I've saved and all the lives I had taken.

Sergio jumped onto the couch and he laid his head on my lap.

"Oh, Serg. When am I going to ruin your life?" I whispered as I pet his head. "You deserve a better human than me."

I drank some more. Until there wasn't a drop left.

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

It was hard to concentrate on work when all of our thoughts were on Emily. Our work ethic was already bad before Spence had come to the office after dropping her off. Him joining us just made it worse. All we wanted to do was ask about her.

"Okay," Hotch muttered. "We aren't working well at all. I know we are all worried about Prentiss. So let's talk about her so we can get it all out of our systems."

"How's she doing?" I asked Spencer.

He shrugged and put his nerdy bag on the table. "I can't really tell. Sometimes she's laughing and smiling and other times she stares off and looks like she's lost in her thoughts. It's hard to see what she is really feeling."

"I still can't believe the woman was cracking jokes after what happened to her," Pen commented. "Then again, we don't really know what happened to her. Did she tell you anything, Boy Wonder?"

He shook his head. "I don't believe that she wants any of us to know what happened to her. The drugs that were in her system… something happened that she doesn't want to remember."

"Do you think she'll be ready to come in for work tomorrow?" Hotch asked him, looking concerned.

"She probably needs to work," Spence admitted. "She's probably just sitting around thinking about things having nothing to do."

"Does Prentiss have any hobbies?" Derek asked us all. When we all shrugged, he grimaced. "Maybe you should have brought her here."

Rossi piped up for the first time, "She needs a break that isn't in a hospital. It's just a few hours. She'll be fine."

I wasn't so sure about that. There was a lot of self-destruction a person could do in a few hours. And I knew what that meant for Emily. Getting wasted.

"Maybe I should go and see how she's doing," I said quietly. They all turned to me, looking surprised. "I know how Emily deals with things," I admitted. "It's not healthy. I just want to make sure she's okay."

Hotch looked torn about letting me go. Eventually, he relented. "Okay," He told me. "If she's not doing alright, please let me know. She told me that she would refuse to go to a shrink, but I can make it mandatory."

I nodded and gathered my things.

* * *

I knocked on her door like I did so many times before. She wasn't answering, which was worrisome. I knocked some more, hoping that she just didn't hear or she was asleep. After a minute of loud knocking, I called her phone. She didn't pick up.

"Emily, goddammit, open the door!" When she didn't open the door or reply, I shouted, "Either open the door or I am going to kick down the door!"

After a few seconds, the door opened. I didn't know what to notice about her first. Her sunken eyes, her ghostly white complexion, the bottle of wine she was holding in her hand, the different variety of alcohols I smelled on her, or the utter lack of clothes she was wearing. I only had seen her a few days ago. I was sure that Spence would have said something about this…

"Emily…" I couldn't help but reach out and touch her face to make sure she was still alive, but she flinched away. "Em…"

"What d-do you want?" She slurred and blinked several times like she was on the brink of becoming unconscious.

The sight of her looking so defeated was jaw-dropping. Emily Prentiss always represented strength.

"Can I come inside?" I asked her, a little lost for words.

"I'm guessing you won't be taking no for an answer." She stepped to the side so I could come through.

I didn't know what I was expecting. I thought that there would be a mess. Like her apartment would represent how she was feeling. But it was as clean and unemotional as ever. The only thing that looked off was the number of empty bottles of alcohol on the coffee table.

"Did you have any food with those drinks?" I asked her as I sat down on her chair.

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. She sat down on her couch and chugged the bottle of wine. Her tank top rode up and I could see the stitches of her stab wound. She noticed where my eyes had traveled to and she pushed her shirt back down.

"I know you don't want me to ask you if you're okay, and I'm sure you wouldn't reply honestly, so I'm just going to ask what I can do for you."

She raised her eyebrows as if she was surprised I had asked such a question. "I'm out of whiskey, can you…"

"No," I told her simply. "In fact, give me the wine right now. It isn't going to make you feel any better." As I reached over to grab it from her, she pulled it close to her in a hug. I sighed, "Emily…"

"Don't c-come in here and tell me what I need to do! You w-weren't there! You don't know what I need!"

I stared at her. "Emily…"

"Stop saying my fucking name like that! I don't need help! And I r-really don't need  _your_  help."

I bit my lip. Emily didn't yell at me. She never really raised her voice at me. I did so many wrong things to her and she never even shouted. And now… It was scary. She didn't even seem like herself.

"So what do you need?"

She grumbled, "I n-need you to go. Leave! Stop pretending like you actually care…"

I got up and instead of leaving as she wanted, I sat down next to her. She tried to move away but I didn't let her. I put one hand on her thigh and with the other hand, I grabbed the wine out of her hold. She didn't even try to fight me. It was like her ability to fight left her body.

I pushed the oily hair out of her face and whispered, "I know you're breaking. But you don't have to go through this alone. I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere."

She stared at me with this blank expression. And then her lip quivered. And then she let out this sound that screamed desperation. Tears fell down her cheeks. She was falling apart. But she was letting me pick up the pieces.

She laid her head on my thighs and I held her close. I brushed her hair with my fingers, trying to be as comforting as possible.

"I m-miss her," She admitted shakily. "She's a killer. She kidnapped and stabbed me. And I miss her. I'm so fucked up."

I shook my head. "No…" I told her honestly. "No, you aren't fucked up. She loved you. You had a relationship with her. It's okay that you miss her. When you were together, she was a good person."

"And then I left her and she went crazy. It's m-my fault all those people are dead. It's all my fault. So many people are dead because of me. Why couldn't it have been me?"

I furrowed my eyebrows, not understanding what she had meant by that. "What do you mean?"

"I shouldn't be here," She murmured as she let out another sob. "I don't want to be here. This doesn't even feel real."

Her words were scary. She almost sounded...

"But this is real. You are real. I am real. The work we do… that's real. You saving people… that's real." Her body started shaking. I didn't know what to do. What to say.

"I don't want any of it to be real. Because if it was real, then it really happened."

I didn't understand what she was saying. None of it made sense. "What really happened?"

She sighed, "E-everything." She pulled up her shirt, showing me her wound. "This should have gone all the way."

I didn't know how to reply to that dark comment. "It's going to get better," I told her. "I know you're hurting. I know that everything probably hurts right now, but you just have to trust me. It will all get better."

"I've been waiting for it to get better for thirty years," She said before sitting back down. "I thought that maybe… you could have made things better. You were so perfect. So pure and true. And then I tainted you. Just like I do with everything."

I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to tell her that she didn't screw me up. That she made things so much better for me. That I loved who she was. That I was in love with her.

Instead of saying anything at all, I kissed her, trying to act on what I felt. But she didn't return the kiss. She backed off.

"I think it's time for you to go, now," She said, her eyes far away from mine. Like she was afraid to look at me. Before I could argue, she added, "Don't worry. I won't drink anymore. I'll see you at work, tomorrow."

"Em… I'm worried about you. I don't know if I should leave. You need help."

She shook her head. "I'm fine. I didn't mean to scare you. The alcohol makes me say crazy things." She even added a chuckle to try to sell the lie.

Of course, I didn't believe her. She might have sounded saner, but she was even more distant now than she was before.

"Please go," She stated firmly. "Reid's probably going to come over in a bit anyway. I'm fine here. Don't look at me like that. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

She practically pushed me out the door. I didn't want to leave, but she didn't give me a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tough chapter. Hope you all got through it and liked it.  
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!


	31. stuck in your shadow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I can't believe how close we are to the end. This has been a crazy journey. :)

"I didn't tell this to Hotch," I muttered to Penelope as she started to pour us two glasses of wine. "But Em is more unstable that we all thought. She was pretty wasted when I got to her apartment. Almost like she was trying to drink herself to death. When she made me leave, she promised me that she would stop drinking, but I'm not sure."

Pen rested her head on my shoulder and took a sip of the alcohol. "She's going through a lot. I think we are just going to have to give her a break."

"When has Emily Prentiss ever taken a break?" I asked her, taking a long sip. "It would be one thing if she was sad, but this is like nothing I have ever seen before."

"We have no idea what happened to her or that day that she was with a group of serial killers. It's going to take some time for her to be normal, stubborn, sarcastic, badass Emily Prentiss again."

I nodded, but I didn't feel reassured. Pen wasn't there with me. She didn't hear the kind of language that Emily was using.

"We should do something for her," I told her. "Find something that can make her feel better."

"Like what? What makes Emily happier than catching bad guys?"

And that was the question I couldn't answer. Em wasn't a straightforward person. Besides, there wasn't a specific thing that I could pinpoint that could magically make her feel better.

I shrugged. "I don't know. We should think about it. Maybe the others would have some idea."

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

The knock on my door the next morning wasn't unexpected. Reid told me that he would pick me up so that I wouldn't have to drive to work. I was actually grateful. If he didn't actually come to pick me up, I wasn't sure I would have gotten up from my couch to go to work.

He waved shyly when I opened the door. The awkward greeting almost made me smile.

"Hey, Reid," I said and opened the door wider so that he could come through. "Thanks for coming by."

He looked around my apartment as if he was searching for something in particular. Maybe JJ told him about the drinking. I hoped not. I already tossed all the bottles so that he didn't know what I did last night.

"Did you eat any food this morning? Or… shower?"

I wanted to lie to him, but I could tell that he already knew the answers. I shook my head, feeling a little ashamed. He now knew that I wasn't capable of taking care of myself.

He nodded as if he wasn't surprised at all. "So have you sat down and done nothing for the past twelve hours?" I nodded this time. "That's okay," He assured me calmly. "I did the same thing. I'm going to make you some eggs, hangover food. And while I do that, you're going to shower."

I appreciated his directions, glad that I didn’t have to force my own recovery.

"Okay."

I walked to the bathroom and turned on the water. I waited until I saw the steam drift out of the shower. I put my hand into the water and moaned at the burning touch. The hospital shower never got this hot.

Slowly, I climbed into the small space and pulled back the curtains. I felt the water scorch my skin. It felt good against the aches of my body. Though nothing was seriously injured in the car accidents, my body still felt like one large bruise.

After cleaning my hair, I turned around but flinched when the water stung my healing stab wound.

"Fuck," I muttered and had to turn the water down to a cooler temperature. Everything there still hurt. The pain was still fresh. I looked down and stared at the wound that could have killed me. I didn’t know what I hated more: the fact that wound still hurt physically or how it was a continuous reminder of the woman who inflicted it.

_Sasha_. As her picture entered my vision, my breathing became shallow. The room started to spin. I gripped the damp walls and tried to stay steady.

"Reid!" I called out, trying to get his help. I had no idea what was happening. "Reid!"

The door opened and I heard him come over. He pushed back the curtains and turned off the water. He watched me for a few seconds to assess the situation, and then grabbed my arms to force me to collapse on top of him. He quickly wrapped me in the robe hanging from the door.

"Breathe in 2, 3, 4, out 2, 3, 4, 5, 6," He repeated over and over again. I followed his directions as I practically laid on top of him. Eventually, everything stabilized. "Good. Good, you're okay, Em."

"What the hell was that?" I asked as I got up, my body still quivering. I squeezed the warm robe around my body tighter. I was so embarrassed that he had to help me. Especially when I was naked.

He grabbed another towel and dried himself off. But it didn't help much. His whole sweater was soaked.

"Panic attack," He said and then looked at me carefully. "Thank you for calling me."

I shook my head. I didn't have panic attacks. "It wasn't a panic attack. And, you're welcome… I guess. And now you've seen me naked."

He shrugged as if that was unimportant. "It wasn't like that was what I was paying attention to. And yes, it was a panic attack. But that's okay! A lot of people have them after experiencing tra—" He stopped once he saw my grimace. "We both know what you went through was traumatic. What happened before you started… losing your breath?"

I crossed my arms. "I thought about _her_ …"

He nodded. "That makes sense. Get dressed. Food is ready."

And just like that, he left the bathroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I sighed and put my clothes on. Though I would never admit it, especially to Reid, it was nice to be taken care of. I definitely wasn't used to it.

* * *

"What the hell happened to you, Pretty Boy?" Morgan asked as Reid and I both entered the bullpen.

Reid blushed and looked down at his damp clothes. "I helped—"

"Reid tried to fix my sink," I interrupted with a lie. "But it totally broke on him and got all over him."

Morgan laughed and replied, "Good one, genius. Why didn't you ask me, Princess? I could've fixed it in probably ten minutes."

I faked a smile and told him, "Next time, Morgan."

"Emily," A voice called from behind us. Recognizing the voice immediately, I took a deep breath before turning around to look at the blonde. "How are you?"

"Spoiled," I told her and the rest of the team. "Reid made me breakfast this morning. He's already treated me better than most dates."

Morgan snorted and said, "That's a low bar, Princess. Maybe you need to spend some time with me, then." He winked at me playfully, causing me to smack him. The interaction almost felt real. But that didn't last long.

"I'm sorry, guys," JJ interrupted. "But we have a case."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have read any of my other stories, this chapter is almost similar to one in "Not A Fantasy, Not A Dream, It's Just You and Me" (hella long title). So if you really liked this chapter, you should check that one out, lol.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Reviews are super appreciated!
> 
> Only three chapters left!


	32. graveyard whistling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, you guys are the best! To all of you who don't want this fic to end, I'm so sorry! But thank you for saying that this fic (or some of my others) are some of your favorites. That means the world to me and I love each of you so much. This fic has been a labor of love and I wouldn't continue writing unless you guys were supporting me. Even though this fic will end soon, this won't be the end of me or my Jemily writing. There might be a break, but it will not be the end. I'm still in awe that some of you like them :)

It would have been just like one of our normal cases. Women were being kidnapped in Baltimore. Most days, I could see the bodies, handle the facts, and kick ass without even blinking. This time, I spent most of the three days that we spent in the city before catching the UnSub flinching.

Everyone kept watching me. Once again, it was like they were waiting for me to fall apart (like I would ever do that in front of them).

It wasn't like I couldn't handle the work. I didn't even argue with Hotch when he told me to stay at the precinct. I spent most of the time with Reid, and I had a new appreciation for what he did. Kicking down doors and firing at UnSubs was like child's play compared to geographical profiling.

I was the one, however, to break the case wide open. When everyone went to sleep, I spent the few hours going over the little details I wouldn't have even spent a few minutes thinking about if I didn't have the extra time. Because of my insomnia, I was able to discover the fact that the UnSub enjoyed driving recovering addicts back to their drug of choice before killing them. Fucked up on so many levels.

It wasn't like the case triggered me at _all_. I _wasn't_ having flashbacks to my time at the ranch. When I saw pictures of the bloody bed, I _didn't_ imagine myself in the chains. Shivers _didn't_ run up my back when I heard a recording of one of the women yelling. I _didn't_ throw up in the bathroom after I saw the dead body. I _didn't_ have PTSD. I _wasn't_ traumatized. I was the same as I always had been. At least, of course, that was what I kept telling myself. The lies were piling up. There were so many of them, I felt like I was back in the undercover days when I had to be this whole separate identity. When I had to shove Emily's morals and beliefs away so that I could do the job well.

I was hoping that when Morgan sat down next to me that he wouldn't feel the need to talk to me. Usually, after a case, he listened to his music, read a book, or fell asleep. This time, he felt the need to have a conversation.

"You know," He told me, his voice quiet so that no one else could hear. "When we have cases where the UnSub is sexually assaulting minors, I have flashbacks. I don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to know that I'm struggling. But at the same time, I'm more driven to solve the case. Because I have a certain… insight."

He shared because he wanted me to share with him as well. I sighed, knowing that if I didn't tell him something that he would feel sad and that I would feel guilty.

"I don't trust men," I admitted carefully, not wanting to tell him too much. "Of course I trust you and the others in the team, but I've had so much experience with men who had… done so many bad things."

He nodded as if he could possibly understand. He only knew about my father. Which was only a small fraction of my story.

"I know it's hard for everyone to know you're secret. The one thing that you had tried to keep secret, maybe from everyone. But sometimes it's easier. Like I can share the burden with others. It isn't as heavy as it used to be."

I frowned, realizing something unfortunate. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I should have— when we arrested Buford— I should've talked to you. Told you about what happened to me. Maybe you wouldn't have felt so alone."

He shrugged as if I hadn't hurt him. "It's okay. I understand the need for things to stay private. If it happened the other way around… I'm not sure I would have told you either. It's just how it is. It's hard to talk about."

"My father's dead," I said, the coldness entering my voice. "I haven't thought about what he had done in such a long time. I didn't need to. He... he couldn't hurt me any longer."

He nodded as if he understood. "I wish… I wish that we had met each other as kids. I think I really could have used you as a friend. You're my partner, Princess. And I know that I'm always a skeptic, but I should have had your back. I should've—"

"No, Derek," I told him, shaking my head desperately. I didn't want him to feel bad. That was the last thing that I wanted. "You did what you thought was right. And that's the best that you could do. I, in no way whatsoever, blame you or the team for what happened in LA. It probably would have happened no matter what, with Sa— her— as the UnSub."

"Em?" JJ interrupted, causing both me and Morgan to turn around and look at her. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but we are about to land. Can I talk to you for a second?"

Before giving me a chance to answer, Morgan got up so that she could sit down. I inwardly groaned. I didn't want to have another conversation with her after what happened last time. With the kiss and all.

"When we land," JJ said anxiously. "We are going to go on a commercial plane and we are going to fly to LA."

I gaped at her, not knowing how to really reply to that. "What…?"

"I know that I should have asked first. But I thought that if I did, you were going to say no. So I just bought two tickets. And I hoped that you would go on the plane with me and I don't waste this money."

"Why would we fly to LA?"

She smiled sympathetically and answered, "I'm going to take you to Sasha's funeral. They delayed it this long because they wouldn't release her body. I didn't even know if they were going to have a funeral. But Pen helped me find out."

I didn't know what to say. I was angry that she made a decision for me. But also, part of me was grateful for the thought she put into it. I wanted to say no. But I didn't want to cause her more dysfunction.

I didn't say anything. I only nodded. And luckily, that was good enough for her.

* * *

I had never seen a smaller attendance at a funeral. The only people in the chapel, other than JJ and I, were Sasha's mother, Nicky Delmonico, and a few young women that I guessed were at the ranch and weren't prosecuted for the murders.

My body clung to JJ's side as if she was keeping me afloat, keeping me from drowning. Sasha's mother was weeping as the priest spoke about her daughter. They were general comments, nothing personal. After the short speech was over, he asked if anyone wanted to speak about her. I thought I didn't want to. But my body disagreed.

I got up and walked to the podium. Delmonico looked startled by the fact that I was there. And Sasha's mother... she only cried harder.

After clearing my throat, I croaked, "I don't want to talk about Sasha in recent years or what led to her death. Because that isn't the Sasha I loved. The Sasha I loved, she cared about every type of life and she preached equality and peace. The Sasha I loved held my hand when I was scared and whispered things into my ear that made me feel warm. She was a source of undeniable and irrefutable kindness, like a ray of sunshine. She was, and excuse me for the cliche, the light to my dark. She taught me how to love and how to let myself be loved. Which reminds me of the first time I met her all those years ago…"

_I tapped my pencil as the professor spoke about dearest Sigmund Freud. I didn't listen to a word coming out of his mouth. None of this was new anyway. Besides, my attention was now solely focused on my hand that was aching in the cast._

_"Hey," A voice called from next to me. I hesitated to turn to look at whoever was speaking to me. Recently, the people that decided to speak to me weren't saying the nicest things. Not that it was new, or anything. "Prentiss, right?"_

_The girl was smiling, definitely different than most of the reactions I got from my fellow classmates._

_"Yeah," I muttered, not knowing if this was a trick. I stared at her for a few seconds, eventually recognizing her. The girl with the enchanting smile and dazzling eyes, she was the one person hated more at this school than myself. "Er— Tyburczy, right?"_

_She grinned and held out her hand. "Sasha. And let me just say, what you did was incredible. And it's totally fucked up that they gave you a slap on the wrist. We both know that it was Carter Hughes that deserved the punishment. But daddy gives a lot to the school."_

_I raised my eyebrows at her. She was the most outspoken about how horrific the fraternities were at Yale._

_"I shouldn't have punched him," I said, turning back to the professor, who went on and on about Freud being a genius. What a dick._

_"What'd he do?" She asked, not getting the hint that I didn't want to talk to her any longer._

_"What do you mean?" I whispered, surprised that she wanted to keep talking to me._

_She rolled her eyes like I was the one being oblivious. "You aren't stupid or outwardly aggressive. So there must be a reason for you to have beat up Hughes."_

_I stared at her, in awe of her thoughtful observations. Shivering almost before replying, I confessed, "He groped me."_

_Her face hardened, like what I said personally offended her. "I'm glad you put him in a hospital. Because if you didn't, I certainly would have. I know you probably aren't looking for becoming friends with the most hated person at school, but there's something about you. And I really, really, just want to get to know you. Is that weird? I'm being weird, aren't I?"_

_I smirked, entertained by her getting flustered. Red rose up in my cheeks for the first time in years._

_"Definitely weird," I agreed with her. "But I like weird."_

_She grinned and laughed. "Good. So, wanna get out of here? If I hear the words 'Oedipus Complex' one more time I think I might just go crazy."_

_I considered my options. Staying and listening to utter shit or maybe having fun with someone who seemed to genuinely want to know me._

_Honestly smiling, I told her, "Let's get the hell out of here."_

I smiled thinking about it, tears running down my cheeks. "Even in our first conversation, she brought out my happiness that I thought I had lost forever. With her words, she held me close and refused to let go. That was who Sasha was. And that is who I will miss."

I choked out a short sob. I put my hands to my face, trying to cover the grotesque features my face contorted into when I cried. I felt hands wrap around me. I turned and pressed my head into the curve of her shoulder. I let her hold me.

"Emily," a voice whispered. I wiped my tears and JJ loosened her grip. I saw Sasha's mother in front of me. "I'm s— Thank you. This would have meant the world to my daughter. I'm so glad that t-this is how you will remember her. You… I know how much you meant to her. I hope you find some peace in this. She'd want you to be happy."

And with that, everything was over. The service lasted barely an hour. And when we left the church, it felt like everything was different.

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

Emily was quiet after the funeral. But surprisingly, I was less worried about her. It was like she was thinking incredibly hard rather than going through dark thoughts.

Once we made it to the hotel room, she laid down on the bed and stared up at the wall.

"I need help," She whispered as tears fell out of her eyes. "I'm breaking in so many ways. And all I want to do is drink and smoke and forget everything. But I can't. Because every time I close my eyes I see her. I see what I turned her into. I see all the memories that came back when she drugged me."

I bit my lip, trying to hold in my own tears. I didn't want to say anything. I just laid down next to her and held her close to me. I wanted her to know that I was there. That I was willing to pick up her pieces and put her back together.

"When I was a teenager, I tried to kill myself," She admitted. "I haven't tried since, but that hopelessness, it's what I have been feeling recently. And I don't want to die. I just want it all to go away. But thinking about her today… what she was like before all of this, I realized that she would have reminded me that pushing away the pain doesn't get rid of it. She used to always say that moving through the pain and surviving and living was what defeats the darkness. So I'm going to stop drinking and wallowing in these dark thoughts. And I'm going to go to a therapist. And I'm going to get better so that Sasha's death won't be for nothing."

I was astounded by the declaration and confession. All I felt was a sense of hope. Hope that she could get better. Hope that she wanted to get better.

I squeezed her tighter and told her, "I am so proud of you."

And that's how we stayed throughout the night. In each other's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter and then the epilogue! Yay! Things are ending! Emily's getting better!
> 
> I do have to say one thing. I know a lot of you weren't Sasha fans (obviously, she put Em in a lot of pain) but I wanted this chapter to remind you all how genuinely good she was when they were in college. And this is a reason why Em is beating herself up. She blames herself for what happened to Sasha.
> 
> Once again, I want to say thank you. To all of you. My readers who have read this story for the first time and like it, my readers who re-read this story, and my readers who read all my stuff. Thank you. You all mean the world to me. I really hope you enjoy my stories. I know they are dark and depressing, but I hope to give you some hope.
> 
> Please, let me know what you think. I love reading your comments! They make what I do worth it!


	33. only love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you guys cry :)

**Emily’s POV**

The team took turns spending the night with me for the next few months. It was usually JJ, Garcia, or Reid who stayed with me, but others were there for me as well. They helped me stay in check so that I didn't fall off the edge.

It took a while, but I slowly bounced back into a tight rhythm with the BAU and being a profiler in general. I was back to badass Emily Prentiss. I was back to feeling like myself. In fact, I felt like I was an even better profiler than I was before. My insight had changed. I was less reckless and more thoughtful. I continued to have flashbacks, but I was able to fight through it. But, to be honest, that was mostly due to the shrink.

My therapist, Dr. Srinivasan, was more helpful than I cared to admit. Not only did I learn that my coping mechanisms weren't really helping me 'cope,' she taught me how to move past the darkness. She became one of my most trusted confidants. Even surprising myself, I told her about my abortion, my father, and my relationship with Ian (of course leaving out most information that was beyond classified).

Dr. S chuckled when I told her that I was thinking about getting a second cat.

"I think that's a great idea, Emily," She told me with a supportive smile. “But what does JJ think about that?"

I furrowed my eyebrows at her. Without fail, Dr. Srinivasan always thought that JJ was more than what I had told her. "I don't think it matters what she thinks."

"Emily… you should tell her how you feel. You're in a much better place now. And from what you have told me, it sounds like she really cares about you. I think you could be in a relationship if that's what you want."

I sighed and rubbed my temples anxiously. "But JJ doesn't want that."

"How do you know if you haven't asked yet? Please consider it. You deserve to be happy with her."

I wanted to tell her 'no' again, but instead, I nodded. I learned that generally, Dr. S was right about these kinds of things.

* * *

**JJ’s POV**

"So, you're staying with Em tonight?" Pen asked as she sat down across from me while we took our lunch break. I nodded and she added, "You finally going to tell her how you feel about her?"

I groaned and replied, "Pen… it's so complicated. She's finally in a good place. I don't want to mess that up."

Penelope rolled her eyes. "And what if telling her that you are in love with her makes her that much happier?"

I glared at the woman for making so much sense.

* * *

**Emily’s POV**

Making JJ dinner was just one of the things that I did to try to thank her for being there for me. She spent most of her free time with me and the food was a way of payment. Besides, I realized that JJ couldn't cook for the life of her. Being the youngest child, she never had to make the food as her siblings did.

"Oh my god, Em," JJ moaned as she rested her head on my shoulder while I cooked the meat and vegetables. "It smells so good!"

I smirked and laughed. "You really could make it, Jen, if you tried." I put the cover on the pot and turned around, waiting for the food to cook.

"I know, but then I wouldn't have you cooking for me. Besides, I don't want to die this young by poisoning myself."

She stared at me with this longing look. A look that I could comprehend and understand because I had it for her too. And as if she was reading my mind, she leaned in and kissed me.

My lips wanted to continue the kiss, but I still stopped. I knew I couldn't let it continue, even if I wanted it to.

"JJ… we can't," I whispered, leaning my forehead against hers.

"Why?" She asked, sounding frustrated.

"Because of Will."

"No!" She yelled, jumping away from me. Her hand covered her mouth like she was horrified. "No, Emily! I broke up with Will such a long time ago. I should've said— I thought you knew."

I shook my head, slightly overwhelmed by the news. "I didn't-- I didn't know. Jen…" I stopped talking once I saw tears fall down her cheeks.

I brushed her tears away with my hand and she whispered, "I was so horrible to you. I... I used you. I didn't understand that when I wanted to sleep with you, that I wanted more. I told myself that it was a phase. That it was just to relieve stress. But I fell in love with you. I want to be with you."

A laugh escaped my mouth as I cupped her face, my body now totally pressed up against hers. I couldn't believe that this was happening. That she could even have the same feelings as me.

I kissed her nose and then her mouth. I savored every second my lips lingered on hers. Every second we shared a breath. Every second our hearts beat together in rhythm. Every second we spent loving each other just a little bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn't incredibly abrupt. Just to be awesome (like I always am), I am going to post the epilogue now as well. It's super short, but I hope you guys like it.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. You guys are the best.


	34. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is it. I hope you guys enjoy it! Please read my little message at the end.

JJ held my hand when I had nightmares. She held my hand when I explained (in much detail) what happened with Sasha. She held my hand when we watched movies. She held my hand when the cases got too close to home.

She held my hand when we told Strauss we were in a relationship. She held my hand when the Section Chief said we could keep our jobs. She held my hand when I found out Matthew died. She held my hand when I told her about Italy and the hell I went through.

She held my hand when I was finally able to say those three words (she even cried a little, just as I did).

She held my hand when my mother dropped by. She held my hand when my mother called me a disgrace and a disappointment. She held my hand as she screamed at my mother for not keeping me safe (for letting my father abuse me).

She held my hand when her parents made a surprise visit. She held my hand when she told her parents she was in love with me. She held my hand as her parents cried but found acceptance.

She held my hand when we moved into a small house (and got another cat of which she named 'Cheeto').

She held my hand after the night we both proposed to each other (funnily enough, we planned our proposals on the same night).

She held my hand when I needed comfort. She held my hand when I needed her. Every single time I needed her.

She was holding my hand, now, as I was being inked where my scar had finally healed. Upon Reid's suggestion, the Fibonacci spiral was being tattooed on my stomach. A reminder that even things damaged can be beautiful. That perfection could be found anywhere. In the darkness, in the dead.

Now that things were better, healthier, happier, I realized that all I needed was to find the vital signs. A proof of life to take me back to the living. And I was lucky. I could always find that proof every morning when I looked into my wife's blue eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. Find me on tumblr @jareauxprentiss !!!
> 
> Wow, what a long journey. They've gone through a lot and are finally happy (and married).
> 
> I want to thank every single one of you who have stayed with this story. You're wonderful and special and thank you SO SO MUCH. Every single comment makes my day so much better. Thank you.
> 
> Also, I'm going to promote myself for a sec. If you liked this story, read my two other Jemily stories! They're pretty cool if I can say so myself. If you liked the darkest parts the best, read "Not A Fantasy, Not A Dream, It's Just You and Me." If you liked the fluff, read "The Planets Bend Between Us." And, if you like the show Wynonna Earp, read that story that I'm currently writing! It's pretty cool!
> 
> Thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter! Things are about to become super interesting. I know JJ seems like she's being a jerk. She is. I'm not defending that. But you'll understand how she feels later.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! Reviews are welcome and appreciated! You will make a girl very happy! :)


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